Dust Heart Day 180 Focus Luoyang Intermediate Phase I Sharing (20 19.2. 16)
Xiao Qiang is a junior high school student. In the previous exam, Xiao Qiang's score dropped from the previous 50 to more than 400. Mom and Dad are extremely anxious to see their children like this. They are worried that Xiao Qiang's admission to a key high school or even a better ordinary high school may be a bit mysterious.
Therefore, a "war" to check and fill the loopholes began in Xiao Qiang's family.
My mother contacts one-on-one remedial classes every day to cook for Xiao Qiang. When Xiao Qiang was studying, her mother accompanied Xiao Qiang, pouring a glass of water and handing a fruit.
No matter how busy my father is at work every day, he will send Xiao Qiang to school on time. Dad used to watch TV and surf the Internet after work, but now all relaxation and entertainment activities have been cancelled. As long as Xiao Qiang is at home, Mom and Dad don't talk much, but walk carefully.
However, one month later, Xiao Qiang's grades not only failed to improve, but also fell back by dozens. Mom and dad were heartbroken and didn't know what to do next, so they came down to the consulting room.
02
Listening to Xiao Qiang's parents' narrative, I said: "Seeing that Xiao Qiang's grades are getting worse every day, parents must be very anxious. They are trying their best to help their children improve their grades as soon as possible, but the effect is not satisfactory, which makes you more anxious and even a little desperate."
Mother repeatedly said yes, yes! We tried our best. Really a little desperate! Especially helpless, so I hope everyone can help us and see what the problem is. There is really nothing we can do. "At some point, Xiao Qiang's mother began to cry. Xiao Qiang's father kept comforting Xiao Qiang's mother.
Listening to Xiao Qiang's parents' complaints, I was thinking that the couple had been tortured to despair by their children's study. How should I respond so that they won't be hurt and reflect? ...
After nearly half an hour's consultation, I suddenly asked Xiao Qiang's parents a question: "Since Xiao Qiang's grades dropped, your husband and wife have been focusing on how to improve Xiao Qiang's grades, looking for a cram school, accompanying students every day, paying wages, taking pains to pick up and drop off, canceling all social activities, doing everything carefully at home, and trying to create a good learning atmosphere for Xiao Qiang, and so on. Whose anxiety has all this alleviated? "
Hearing this sudden question, Xiao Qiang's parents suddenly stood there and didn't speak for two minutes.
After all, he is the leader of the unit. Xiao Qiang's father first felt the problem. He said, "Teacher, are you saying that everything we do is to relieve anxiety?" "
In fact, when they realize this, the next consultation will be simple.
03
Then I asked a question: "Xiao Qiang's grades are declining. As a parent, you are using your way to alleviate your inner anxiety and worry. So what should I do as Xiao Qiang's inner anxiety and depression? " Are all your actions now increasing his anxiety or alleviating it? "
There was another silence.
I know these questions have deeply touched Xiao Qiang's parents.
When I asked Xiao Qiang what he wanted his parents to do, he told me that he wanted his parents to give him time and space to adjust, not to interfere with his study too much, and not to take study as the top priority at home. Everything revolved around study and himself, so he would be under great pressure. Their non-interference and non-talk is their greatest support.
I heard that Xiao Qiang is a very sensible child with a strong sense of morality.
Many times, when children's grades decline, parents will be very anxious, have bad expectations for their children's state, worry that their state will continue, and have a lot of control and interference on their behavior, so these all ignore one of the most important problems, that is, children, ignoring their inner anxiety and bad emotional state.
Mom and dad seem to act for the good of their children. In fact, from a psychological point of view, mom and dad are all for themselves, and they can't see the children at all. From this perspective, parents are selfish at heart, and this selfishness is covered with a very gorgeous moral coat, which is very confusing: we are doing this for your own good. Is that really the case?
04
So when children's grades decline, as parents, we suggest:
First, figure out who you want to be with. Do you choose to be with your child, with his feelings, or with his study? It is very important for children whether to look at their children's academic performance first or first, and it is also very important for the improvement of their academic performance.
Second, mom and dad can accompany their children, resolve their inner anxiety and trauma, understand their inner depression and anxiety when they encounter setbacks, and express them. Many times, when a person's inner pain and anxiety are seen and felt, it is a kind of support and cure. "I didn't do well in these exams, and my grades dropped badly. My mother is feeling that you must be very anxious and anxious. Seeing your appearance, to be honest, my mother loves you very much. " Let children feel the emotional support of their parents in the most difficult time.
Let him handle his own affairs as much as possible. Even if we have to intervene, we should respect the children's needs and intervene after solving the children's pain. At the very least, even if we can't resolve the negative emotions of our children, don't pass on our anxiety to them.
Third, when we are really anxious, we should express it directly. The worst thing is to pretend not to say anything, and then express it in other ways of behavior control or moral condemnation.
We can tell our children directly: "Seeing that your academic performance has dropped sharply, Dad is very anxious and worried. This is my father's business, not yours. I'll handle it myself. At the same time, dad also believes that you can handle this matter well after adjustment. If you really can't handle it and need dad's help, you can tell dad, maybe I can solve it with you. " This not only expresses their anxiety, but also draws a clear line. More importantly, it conveys trust, respect and support for children.