"Children can't be so rude. Say hello to your aunt! " Whether visiting other people's homes or greeting people in public places, I often meet adults who are half-guided and half-forced to ask children in their hands or arms to say hello to me.
The danger of forcing children to say hello, after reading it, quit! ! !
Children who are not afraid of being born always say shyly with adults, "Hello, Aunt." If you are introverted and sensitive, you will look at me with your mouth pinched, as if you were shrinking. If you don't say anything, don't say anything. Adults who stood by were also embarrassed, feeling that they had not taught their children well, and could not help but start to say in a reproachful tone, "Children should not be so rude ..." and so on.
Every time I hear adults say that about children, I always feel very sad. I used to be a child, but now I get along with children every day. I deeply understand the feeling of being called "rude" by adults, which is a shame and a sense of frustration. Shame is that you are not good and your mouth is not sweet; It is frustrating that you can't do it well and let adults down.
All these feelings must appear in public and in full view at the same time. Adults are "above", so short that they have been discovered.
First, children also need to be respected.
I often think that no adult can stand being criticized in public, so why can our children (young children) stand it? Why do we not hesitate to accuse children who are less than half as tall as adults in full view? Perhaps the important point is that we think children have no self-esteem. We feel that there is not much feeling and self-esteem in their small bodies. Therefore, our words will not hurt the children. Even if it hurts, it's only a little. Perhaps we are so confident that we think that we should educate our children with strict language, which is exactly what we said: "A dutiful son lies on a stick"!
Perhaps, when we were young, our self-esteem was ignored, so when we grow up, we can't see our children's self-esteem? We can't see the child standing among giants, afraid of strangers. We can't see the guilt of the child, because even his beloved parents (even grandparents) think that he is not good enough, so they will scold him under the gaze of all adults.
Indeed, criticizing children in front of everyone has fulfilled the responsibility of "educating children" and will never fall into people's mouths. Under all eyes, directly labeling children as "impolite, noisy and disobedient ..." has achieved the goal of "being alert to children" and seems to be getting closer and closer to the goal of "being a good boy". But is shame useful? What's wrong with raising children with shame?
1, verbal violence brings harm
Using shame as a means, the first phenomenon we encounter is the violence of language. If our social system thinks that humiliating a person will soon get the effect of education, it is natural to use the language "It's rude, and you will be finished in the future. No one will like you, you are really troublesome, you are really shameful …" directly face to face! This language directly attacks personal self-esteem, making people feel small and useless, and the effect achieved is shame.
Children living in this language have met the expectations of adults, but sacrificed their dignity. The biggest impact of hurting children's dignity is that children feel that they should not face up to their thoughts, emotions and feelings. The long-term effect of hurting children's dignity is that they will not face up to other people's thoughts, emotions and feelings in the future. The silent emotion and even emotional injury brought by such a vicious circle will never end.
2. Ignore children's innate "security radar"
Children's timidity and shyness towards strangers is an innate ability to protect themselves. You must remember that five months ago, anyone could hold the baby, but about six months later, all of a sudden, it seems that everyone is not pleasing to the eye except the mother (the main caregiver), and whoever holds it turns to cry. We usually describe this phenomenon as "stranger anxiety".
Although this anxiety will gradually subside after a year and a half. But as they get older, they will still have intuitive vigilance when facing strangers. They will look at strangers quietly, as if feeling and observing "Is this person safe?" "Is he good to me?"
This kind of "stranger anxiety" makes the child only approach the person who is beneficial to his growth, makes himself emotionally connected and attached to that person, and develops a sense of security from that attachment. And the vigilance developed in early childhood is not an innate self-protection ability? Through that ability, children gradually learn to distinguish and trust others.
It's just a pity that many adults will ignore that children's "observation" is actually a "security check" process when they meet people for the first time. What worries the child even more is that before he can react, strangers will approach him, touch his head and pat his face. To make matters worse, in consternation, his beloved parents (the main caregivers) will also blame him for "children can't be rude, can't be ashamed, can't be disobedient, and can't embarrass their parents ..."
Under these factors, do children still think their feelings and thoughts are important? What adults think, children should think so at once. Adults believe that to be polite, you should call everyone, greet them sweetly, and children should do the same at once. Children who are not so obedient will feel that they are not good children, right?
3, the generation of guilt
In the process of children's growth, they will encounter a growing problem: guilt. It is closely related to children's enthusiasm for "curiosity and active exploration".
When you explore what's in this pot according to your own ideas? Will he react like this to test me? The result of all these temptations may also break something or annoy some people, which is contrary to the wishes and order of adults. In this way, children will feel guilty because they make adults angry and put the guilt of "doing something bad" on themselves.
By the same token, when a child needs time to observe a stranger, but it is not recognized, and when he hears an adult say that he is rude again and again, guilt has to take root in his heart. What is the result? One possibility is that the child feels angry and stops doing it; Second, children may feel that they are too bad and have to obey. Whether it is resistance or temporary obedience, it not only ignores the children's personal thoughts and feelings, but also makes them feel that they are not good enough or have wrong feelings.
Second, learn manners from being respected.
So, what can we do to make children learn to greet others in a positive, dignified and willing way?
The first thing we should guide our children to know is: what is politeness? Politeness is not only the execution of external forms, but also the exchange of feelings. Therefore, we should take "sensitivity" as the center and guide children to learn etiquette. For example, understand the feelings of children when facing strangers by feeling (whether they are embarrassed or afraid); Greeting others by feeling friendly is a concern, how happy others will be and how warm they will feel because of this friendly exchange.
Cognition based on friendly feelings and communication will naturally guide children to learn to respect others. Therefore, the most important key is "respect"; The most effective method is demonstration and guidance. Take the scene I saw in the bookstore as an example:
A mother, with a four-year-old child in her arms, met her friend in a bookstore. After the two adults exchanged pleasantries, the mother said to the child, "Han Xiao, this is Aunt Wang. She is a good friend of her mother. " Aunt Wang squatted down a little away from the child and smiled and said to Xiao Han, "Hello, Xiao Han, I'm Aunt Wang." Aunt Wang waited for a while and said, "Your doll is really cute." Aunt Wang chatted with her mother and Han Xiao intermittently, and then said before she left, "Han Xiao is so cute." Goodbye Xiao Han. " Mother said, "Say goodbye to Aunt Wang. Nice to meet Aunt Wang today. Do you want to hug Aunt Wang? " Han Xiao said goodbye shyly, then went to Aunt Wang and gave her a hug.
In this successful greeting example, if you analyze it carefully, you will find that emotional communication is the center, so it is full of friendship and respect.
I saw aunt Wang's respect: she gave the child space and time to observe her because she knew that the child would be shy; She said hello sincerely first and took the initiative to care about what the children liked, because she knew she had to extend a hand of friendship first. She does not force the child to respond immediately, but waits patiently for the child's response, because she respects the child and must first observe her needs.
Similarly, I also saw my mother's respect and wisdom: she didn't force her children to say hello immediately; She first introduced the adults to the children and showed how to greet others. Wait until the child is relieved, then guide her how to do it and ask the child's wishes.
After leaving the bookstore that day, I met my friend downstairs in a company. As soon as they met, he immediately said to his three-year-old nephew, "Call Aunt Li quickly." After a second's silence, he urged, "Call someone, children can't be rude." And I know that in this case, the best way is to smile quietly at the child and say slowly, "Hello, I'm Aunt Li." You don't know me. You're a little scared, right? "I want to use this statement to reassure children and remind adults. But what is helpless is that adults can't see the child's mood and continue to say, "How rude!" "Seeing the child with a tighter mouth, I can't help thinking of my childhood mood.
We used to be children, and now we get along with them every day. It is a shame and a sense of frustration to deeply understand the feeling of being scolded and rude by adults. Shame is that you are not good and your mouth is not sweet; What depresses you is that you can't do it well and let adults down. All these feelings must be discovered in public and in full view.
No adult can stand being humiliated in public, so why should our children (young children) stand it? Why don't we hesitate to stand on it and blame the children with only legs or waist in full view?