0 1 "blame each other and complain to each other."
If you are not married, you won't understand that there are really the most familiar strangers in the world, that is, couples who live under the same roof but can't talk together.
If you are not married, you will not understand that your dislike or even hatred for a person can reach such a level.
Engaged in marriage counseling for many years, in the consultation, I can always hear such words:
We haven't spoken for a long time.
I get angry at the sight of ta, but I can't speak.
Always be careful when talking to ta, for fear of accidentally touching ta's words.
Ta always belittles me, hits me and doesn't see any benefits from me.
I have never met such an unreasonable person as ta.
I believe those couples who are about to get married have more or less similar feelings. Once the sweetness disappeared with time, leaving only endless resentment and disgust.
The vicious circle of getting along
However, most people will not get divorced because they are unhappy.
But on second thought, I can't make a big mistake, and I'm more worried about finding another person after divorce, and I can't escape the endless cycle of "communication difficulties"
Psychologist Dr. Popman believes that "when we reach the end of our emotions, we will feel tired because our past efforts have no results, but don't think that past failures will repeat themselves in the future."
If we follow the new guidance and take action, that is, take correct and positive steps, the marriage problem can be solved.
Even if it is not a steady pace, as long as you persevere, you will certainly achieve your goal.
What hinders effective communication?
03 consulting case sharing
Xiaoru and her husband are typical couples who can't communicate.
They were married for 10 years, divorced once, but remarried. This time, they agreed not to mention divorce easily, but their feelings were not stronger.
Instead, I always feel that there is a mountain between them, and I can't cross it anyway. Usually busy with work, communication is limited to children. They never talk and sleep in different beds.
She said: "In this marriage, there is no sense of belonging at all.
I really want to talk to him, but every time I see his face, I can't say anything on my lips.
I know, he will say that I did it again and put all the responsibility on me.
I, on the other hand, will definitely be unable to control myself, and the result will definitely be on pins and needles.
Do you feel deja vu?
Xiaoru's marriage is like a dead knot. Except for knife cutting, it is not easy to sort it out.
Confrontational communication.
This marriage problem is called "I don't think you can communicate"
But in fact, it is not that the partner can't communicate, but that ta chooses to communicate in a confrontational way.
This kind of confrontation is sometimes silent, sometimes aggressive, and it is also common in the clinic, but it is called impedance.
If you want to resolve it, don't think that the other party can't communicate, but take confrontation as a special way to express your needs, then you can find a turning point.
Psychologist William believes that effective or inefficient, painful or happy, crazy or reasonable, sick or healthy, drunk or awake.
It's all to satisfy our inner strength.
Glass also believes that even inappropriate behavior has its role.
In other words, confrontation is a way to express needs, and the specific way is related to ta's personality.
Intrinsic motivation of behavior
For example, if he is not good at words, he will choose to express his needs or defend his sense of value in a silent way.
If he is a controlling person, he will choose to express his position in an aggressive way.
The more we understand the intrinsic motivation of our spouse's behavior, the more we can empower ourselves to make positive changes.
If we can help each other meet those needs in a healthier way, then we can see that our partner's behavior changes in a positive direction.
In marriage, our internal needs and motivations mainly include the following points.
Love is an ability.
0 1, the need to love and be loved
Love is our best weapon to resist the inherent loneliness and loneliness.
Most personal behaviors, whether positive or negative, are based on the need for love.
When our hearts are full of love, it is easier to treat others with loving behavior;
On the contrary, when the fuel tank of our inner love is empty, we will become like a hedgehog with a particularly strong defense. And those who have not been loved well since childhood are more likely to be incompetent when they grow up.
02, the demand for freedom
Everyone has a need to control his own life without being controlled by others.
In marriage, we hope to express our feelings, thoughts and desires freely and choose our own standards freely.
When this desire for freedom is strong, once we realize that our spouse wants to control us, it is easy to enter the defensive mode, either silent confrontation or anger.
07 change negative communication style.
If you have observed those happy couples, you will find that they are not without contradictions, but only know how to communicate in an appropriate way.
When you get along with your partner, it is really important to find out his personality and then prescribe the right medicine.
Personality is also the mode of our reaction to life.
In marriage, they tend to ignore contradictions and avoid quarrels at all costs, but it is likely to lead to internalization of contradictions and cannot be solved. Once the conflict breaks out, they often choose to obey in order to quell the war as soon as possible.
However, as long as we are willing to respect his personality, we will more easily see his inner needs and know how to communicate in a more effective way, thus becoming more integrated people.
Dr. Paalmann believes that the methods we use to satisfy our love and being loved, freedom, sense of accomplishment, happiness, relaxation, safety and all our physical and psychological needs are all influenced by our personality. Knowing this, you can deeply understand the behavior of yourself and your spouse.
So what should I do if I find myself caught in a "confrontational" marriage mode?
08*** grows with the ability of love.
Please try to use this confrontation as a way to express his needs, analyze his inner needs and motives according to his personality, and then adjust his communication style according to him.
Marriage is not confrontation, not who wins or loses. Marriage is cooperation, and winning is the best ending.
High EQ communication is an essential ability to get happiness.
If you want not to quarrel, you must learn to overcome three weaknesses of human nature:
First, I just want to talk, not listen;
Second, stick to your own views and don't take each other's views seriously;
The third is to let each other satisfy themselves and ignore each other's needs.
There are many ways to express love, and the sensibility of men and women is completely different.
Only by knowing how to express, can the other person really feel love.
Otherwise, it is likely that you are sincere to her, but you don't care about you. You really want to talk, talk heart to heart, but in the end you are flushed.