Looking at it from another angle, the problem of children has its positive significance.
? What should we do when children have problems, when children have their own ideas, and when children don't act according to their parents' ideas? How can we maintain a good parent-child relationship and let children grow up healthily?
? If we directly deny it as before, children will not want to communicate with us and continue to communicate. What can parents do to make their children develop in a better direction, which not only maintains the parent-child relationship, but also gives them opportunities to grow up? Case sharing:
14-year-old Danny wants to drop out of school and go to France to make a West Point, saying that his future wish is to be a Michelin blue ribbon chef. If you were Danny's mother, what would you do? Dandan's mother advised, "You are too unrealistic. You don't know English yet, so you want to go to France. Your most important task now is to study hard and get into a good university in the future! " But no matter what my mother said, she just wouldn't listen. My mother had no choice but to go to the consulting room for consultation.
Dandan's mother Dandan is really too young. How does she go to study in France? Danny is still young. How can he know what he wants to do? I don't want to study hard and think about something I can't do. What can I do in the future? At present, I am still a middle school student, and I don't know much about English. I still want to go to France. What can you do? Although our family's economy is passable and studying in France is also a lot of money, he has a younger brother and goes abroad alone. Who will take care of her ... "
Counselor: I'm actually very happy for Danny. I didn't know my future ambition until the second day of junior high school, and I was also very motivated. I'll ask for something right away.
Looking at the counselor and her mother in surprise.
Consultant: "In fact, Dandan is only in the stage of' thinking' at present, and many things have not been done yet. What we need to do in practical actions is to effectively accompany her through this exploration process, which is a good thing for children to develop self-identity through this opportunity! "
Dandan's mother: Dandan is too young to study in France.
Consultant: What kind of ability do you need to go to France to study and do West Point?
Dandan's mother: of course, it means looking for a school. Dandan doesn't know French at all. Even if he does apply for a school, he still needs to go to a language school for a period of time, so he should first find a French cram school to learn French! "
Consultant: What else?
Dandan's mother: When the language can be exchanged, the next step should be to apply for a school. And if I do, I heard that the living standard in France is very high and I can't quit my job. Plus, Danny's younger brother is still young and needs someone to take care of him. I should help Danny find a better host family. Oh! Why so many things? I'm too busy at work now. How can I find time to help Danny do these things? How can we give birth to a child who is as ignorant and inconsiderate as Danny?
Consultant: If this is Dandan's dream, all these things should be handled by Dandan, that is, the three most basic things you just mentioned must be done by the children themselves, such as finding a French cram school, finding a host family and applying for a school. ...
Dandan's mother: Teacher, you probably forgot that I am Dandan Cai 14 years old, not 40 years old!
Counselor: Mom Dandan, of course I haven't forgotten her age, but in the process of pursuing her dream, proper efforts are necessary. Children can learn more at work, and they will not take everything for granted if they are not grateful. If you are worried that your child can't do too many things at once, you can let her go to cram school first. what do you think?
Dandan's mother: Then let her find it herself?
Counselor: Of course not. Parents must accompany children of this age in the process of pursuing independence. This will not only fulfill the responsibility of guardianship, but also let the children feel the support of their parents. So you can stay with her in the process of finding a cram school, but please don't get involved because you are worried. Tell your child seriously, because this is an emergency. Mom and Dad can support him, but they won't pay unconditionally, such as letting the child pay half the tuition fee, and it won't affect the current homework. "
Dandan's mother: Teacher, if Dandan really finished the task, didn't I let her study in France?
Counselor: Then I really have to congratulate you. Your child can finish these development tasks so early. At the same time, there may not be a blue ribbon chef in your family, which is something to celebrate! In this era, many people don't know what they want to do until they reach middle age. Compared with those young people who become neets, this is really a good thing
Counselor: Thank you, teacher, for showing me the other side of things. Then I'll go back and do it. This is why our mother-daughter relationship has been frozen these days! Thank you!
A few weeks later, Dandan's mother called and said that after this process, Dandan found it too tiring and complicated to do it (to maintain the current level of homework, she had to cram French), so she took the initiative to tell her mother to wait for a while to learn West Point.
In Dandan's case, we will find that at first, Dandan's mother only saw the bad parts, such as the child is still young, and France is far from being able to take care of it, and it will cost a lot of money, but she didn't see the child's determination, interest exploration and the process of doing it through real behavior, which can make the child more grounded and more grateful to his parents for their efforts ... No matter whether the child finally drops out of school to study in France, it will play a positive role in her life. If the mother can see not only the negative effects but also the positive effects in this process, then her mood will be comforted and her children will be guided correctly.
However, after such a process, we often find the gap between ideal and reality, and naturally make corrections. If parents just worry about their children's pain and feel that their children have no sense of reality, they will object greatly, which not only hurts the parent-child relationship, but also blocks the children's right to pursue their dreams.
If the parents deny the child, the more the child does it, or in the future, the child will blame the parents for not letting her try. Just like my sister, she worked in a company in Zhengzhou after graduating from college. My mother felt that her job was unstable and helped her arrange to work in Wuhan Railway. At that time, she was furious, crying and making noise, but she was forced to go. A few years later, I still blame my mother. Mothers pay so much for their children and feel wronged and ungrateful.
As a parent, you might as well go crazy with your children. Maybe it will succeed. Even if you fail, your child will have a lot of feelings and thoughts in the process of exploration, and will have more initiative and more planning for his life. Even if I don't do it, I won't blame my parents. I have suffered all my life. It is better to be "crazy" with children.
Instead of letting go completely, let the children develop self-identity. Adolescence is actually a process in which children constantly explore themselves, who I am and what kind of person I am, and then gradually improve themselves and eventually become the person they want to be. This is a necessary stage. If you don't go through this stage, maybe the child will start to be "crazy" in his thirties and forties, and it will be troublesome to toss. It is normal to do things at any age. It will be "crazy" sooner or later. It is best to be "crazy" according to the growing season.
The child puts forward her dream, and we can push it with him, from the future he wants to the present, and see how to build a bridge between the future and the present. Let him describe what his future ideal is first, and then discuss how to realize it. What does the child want? What needs to be done now? It has been pushed to what year, what to do at that stage, and how to act until now, which makes him think is not illusory. Parents complain less and feel comfortable, but their children are getting farther and farther away from themselves and always pay attention to the positive side of their children.
You can still learn more from it, and you won't take everything for granted if you are grateful. Why do parents sometimes have too much worry and anxiety? Because parents tend to take their children's affairs as their own, and we like to bear them ourselves, our worries and anxieties come out, and we feel that children can't do it. Think that children must rely on us to do all this for him. You have to accept your child before he will be willing to talk to you, because you appear as a person who wants to help him and realize his ideal role. He pushed step by step, tried to find a way, and acted step by step as he said. In any case, he gains something in the process of doing it, and his relationship with you will be very harmonious. He is willing to tell you anything. In the process of children pursuing their dreams, it is necessary to pay appropriately. Only when he gives, will he be grateful. He will no longer take everything for granted, be responsible for himself and his dreams, and act independently.
I worked hard to cultivate a baiwenhang and help him complete everything, and then he felt that everything was yours and had no sense of responsibility at all. If you can accompany me, don't intervene because you are worried. If you can't do it because of your intervention, you will be accused. Shut up. shut up.
Relationship is the most important thing to find the joy of life and give full play to its potential. Give support in action, but children won't do it. Don't deny his dream in a hurry, let him try to support, to pursue what needs to be done in this life, to explore goals, to act, to cooperate with children, not to deny him. Discuss with him how to realize his dream and make a plan. Through companionship, he gained experience in the process of trying. Parents study hard, and children can make progress every day.
Everything is a gift from God, and everything has its positive significance. The key is whether we can see it. The problem is a kind reminder that we need to change the way of education. If parents can see the truth from the seemingly mutual behind, their hearts will be stable, and they can guide their children positively, which will also be of great help to their growth. If we keep watching and have the ability to guide children, then children will become opportunities for growth in this matter.
The height of parents determines the height of children's growth. Parents need to grow up by themselves. We have made progress, and the future promotion and growth of children will definitely be different. What are the skills of longitudinal thinking?
1, there is nothing but negativity, and everything will give us different gains and deeper understanding! It takes a long time to cultivate, and many growth processes require self-reflection.
2, the same thing happens, different people will have different views and behaviors, and then get different results! Things are not things, what you think is things! The result of implementation has nothing to do with the occurrence itself, but it is related to our own identity. Negative emotions are related to our cognition. Adjust your view of things and see the positive side of things, and new emotions and behaviors will occur.
3. The cause of the event and the true result of the fact are not an "equal sign", but a "question mark".
What bothers you is the event itself, not the view and cognition of the event. When you encounter unpleasant things, please come up with a "question mark" in your mind first, and turn every occurrence into help and create the results you want through a positive thinking mode of "asking yourself and answering yourself"!
Feeling after class:
I remember once, my son said that his dream was to be a football player. I said it was a good idea. Which university do you want to study football at? Domestic or foreign? He fell silent, that is, just thinking. When his grandmother heard the idea, she was very nervous. She persuaded China that football is not good now. It's a youth meal. Can you play football all your life? Hearing this, the child quarreled with his grandmother and broke up. In fact, when you really want to make a plan with your child after he puts forward his dream, you will find that his "dream" is just thinking about it, so our parents don't have to be nervous.