There are many documents and special books about the first interview. In my consulting career, whether it is a visitor who has worked with me for several years or a visitor who falls down after one consultation, the first interview is always impressive.
Think about the first time in your life, it will be vivid and unforgettable:
Your first speech, your first step, your first day in kindergarten and primary school, your first love, kiss, sexual experience, your first job, the moment your child was born. ...
No matter what you remember, whether you are happy or sad, that moment will be as unforgettable as the first time.
The same is true of psychological counseling. No matter who the visitors are, the first meeting with you is always restless, but they come with their own anxiety. I will mention all the worries and problems here. This is "initial anxiety". Without it, you can't find you when you visit.
This is another "first time" from his appointment to your consultation. From the appointment to the end of the first interview, he always has all kinds of complicated experiences in his heart.
This is hidden under the initial anxiety, some people will say, some people will not say, just talking about their initial anxiety, such an emotion I call "secondary anxiety."
I think the counselor only pays attention to the conversation (part of the initial anxiety) and can't reassure the visitors.
Because of the existence of "secondary anxiety", the expression of visitors' initial anxiety has certain defensive elements. Therefore, no matter what method I use, I will try my best to ease the "secondary anxiety" between me and my visit, so as to establish a safe relationship and really open the question of my visit.
Based on my personal experience, I want to share my "secondary anxiety" when I first met you during the interview and my own coping strategies, hoping to have a little resonance with my peers.
First of all, I think it is "preparation anxiety".
No matter whether the visit is intentional or not, the preparation has already started from the moment of appointment with the consultant. The preparation contains many contents:
For example, "How should I arrive on time, how to meet, do I need to shake hands, what should I do if I am late, what should I do if the video consultation signal is not good, how to express it, how to say it, what kind of person is he, will he be the same as I think, do I need to say this, and should I ask questions?"
Or "Is there something really wrong with me that I actually spent money on a psychiatrist?" "I have some regrets. Maybe I can solve this problem myself." "What will others think of me and what will my wife do when she knows?" "Where to start? Can he understand this? "
Similar problems cannot be enumerated at all. Each visitor has a different personality and thinks differently, but rarely thinks nothing.
Then, no matter what you think during the visit, you are actually "warming up" and doing "preparation activities". At this time, you are anxious, so I call it "preparation anxiety".
This is very similar to the warm-up of athletes before the game. Although I look smiling, I still can't completely relax about the official competition, and I will have the idea of "what should I do if I screw up" or "I must do it", which belongs to anxiety, and is very similar to the preparation and interview before the exam.
At this time, both consultants and visitors need to understand two things:
First, proper anxiety is helpful, because warm-up means "I'm ready" and I know this moment will come.
Second, worrying too much can really lead to anxiety.
I've seen people who don't come to consult, or ask for a refund, or keep asking questions. These are all manifestations of excessive anxiety. Except for those who have escaped, this is a priority as long as they enter the first round of interviews.
In a sense, psychological counseling begins with an appointment. If the counselor doesn't realize this, he will ignore "preparation anxiety", which is similar to talking. The counselor can't hear the visitor.
In this case, I usually take the initiative to ask visitors: "How do you feel after you make an appointment with me?" Why did you choose me as your consultant? "How did you find me?" "Did you think the first time we met?" And so on.
Answering these questions will make the visitor speak his "secondary anxiety" on his own initiative, which will not only give him a chance to get to know the visitor, but also ease his nervousness.
Even if he doesn't answer anything, or "doesn't answer anything", it is also helpful for the establishment of the consulting alliance.
This shows visitors that "I cherish my time with you" and also makes them feel the active acceptance of the counselor.
Therefore, my suggestion is to encourage visitors to tell their feelings these days.
Secondly, it is "shame and anxiety".
This word may not sound good, but I think it must exist. Even psychological counselors will feel "shame" in different degrees when they meet the experiencer for the first time. It comes from telling strangers about your pain.
People have learned this feeling since childhood. From the aspects of appearance, figure, family background and cultural background, there is always a sense of shame in exposing shortcomings in front of others. The biggest sense of shame is to take off your clothes in public.
The inner secret and pain telling itself is such an experience. Even if you don't want to say anything private, looking for a counselor itself means that many people are unhealthy, at least not so perfect, or think they are not so happy.
Anyway, I haven't met a very happy person to pay for my chat. Therefore, psychological counseling itself is somewhat embarrassing, but sometimes it is more hidden. Some visitors will realize, some will not realize, and some will become various defenses.
My visitor paid me and ran away. The reason is probably that they can't overcome the pressure of shame. Some people cover their cameras with masks, sunglasses and videos, all of which are expressions to relieve shame.
I usually use "stability" to deal with this part. I just saw you here, not your cover-up, which is very important for the first interview.
I once had a visitor who always wore sunglasses and a mask. Fifty minutes later, she said, "Aren't you curious?" ? Won't you ask me why I wear sunglasses? 」
I replied, "You've always been there." My subtext is "I've been here, I saw you, and I'm with you. 」
Then, she took off her sunglasses and mask. I saw her beautiful eyes. She smiled and said, "I like this feeling. 」
In reality, when you see a different person, you will definitely look at her more or judge her, just like a bald person is afraid of others talking about shampoo. You don't need to show surprise and curiosity.
This is not indifference, but acceptance, and it doesn't mean that we don't discuss why. It's just not suitable for the first time to let visitors know that you care about him, not a part of him.
Most of the time, shame and anxiety don't show up on the outside. Experienced consultants will detect it from evasive language, subtle expressions, drooping eyes and trembling voices, which requires skill.
Anyway, when you think the visitor is a little strange, there must be anxiety. All you have to do is steady and let him know that you are with him, no matter how bad his performance looks.
Then there is "relationship anxiety".
There are many ways to express this part. I classify it as "anxiety about relationship", such as security, trust, doubt, powerlessness, worry, entanglement and so on.
It also contains all kinds of information:
"Can I say this? Why is he expressionless? Is he listening to me? Why did he ask me such a question? Why do I talk endlessly? Will he keep a secret? Will consultation be effective several times? Does he think he can solve my problem? Can he feel my pain at the moment? How was his experience? He looks very young. Can he understand the pain of childlessness? " And so on.
Different from "preparation anxiety", at this moment when you are together, all the anxiety of visitors points to the relationship, whether it is dependence, control, alienation, temptation or catering.
All inner problems, whether said or not, are worried about whether a stable and safe relationship can be established.
This is also the most common question in the initial interview of visitors, that is, "Is this consultant what I am looking for?" When the consultant evaluates the visitor, the visitor also evaluates the consultant.
At this point, the greater the probability of making mistakes, there are many similar theories. I will only say my two personal suggestions:
First,? Look, yes, that's all. That's enough.
I want to say too much about listening, but in the final analysis, I still listen, mobilize your every cell, integrate your feelings, and listen to every word, every expression and every movement of visitors with great efforts, seriousness, sincerity and tolerance.
I don't know if I made myself clear. That's all you can do in the initial interview (except for a few exceptions I'll mention later).
In other words, all your words convey "I'm listening" to visitors. People who can't hear clearly, people who can't understand, and people who are ambiguous should sincerely express their wish of "I still want to hear clearly".
This is the first impression:
Visitors are saying, counselors are listening. It is enough to encourage visitors to say anything and let them know that you are willing to listen to anything.
In the later discussion, my visitors mentioned the reasons for continuing to explore with me, and they all said, "Because I think you are trying to listen to me."
Yes, it means a lot: respect, dedication, hard work, heart, acceptance and sympathy. In any case, tourists will feel seen.
On the contrary, I did it once and stopped looking for my visitors. After summing up, sex is: I talk too much.
Don't say too much for the first time, even if you really want to help him, comfort him, give him support and strength, don't use words.
At this time, subconsciously, it is your need, not the visitor's, because you don't know him.
The following situations must be said:
First, set.
This must be said, including consultation duration, frequency, confidentiality, cost, lateness, breaking an appointment, renewing the contract, your basic situation, orientation and so on.
You can say a lot about this before, during and before the first consultation, but you must say that this will reduce the "relationship anxiety" of visitors and convey to them that "I will be responsible for our relationship".
Second, silence.
Everyone has a different view in this respect. My personal suggestion is that the first consultation should be as silent as possible to avoid embarrassment.
Although "there is a meaning behind silence", silence often means embarrassment when meeting for the first time, especially for online counseling and teenagers.
Third, summarize.
The conclusion is not for you to talk and explain, but for you to reiterate that you are willing to listen and continue to listen.
And ask "How did you feel about me and us at the first interview", or "If you have any questions or don't understand, you can ask me now".
Like all "firsts", the first feeling came into being. Paying attention to the first time with visitors is just like paying attention to your first love.
At the same time, it doesn't matter if the visitor falls down after the first interview. This is another topic for many reasons, but there is always a part of his anxiety that you can't control.
Don't be too hard on yourself. Colleagues should also learn to deal with their "secondary anxiety" and be tolerant of themselves before they can be tolerant of visiting.
(This article is the first new paradise)
Hello, I'm Ben Li Qian. Thank you for reading.