Let's look at the way to achieve high-level listening-understanding and respect. All these schools are almost the same, that is, all people want to be understood and respected. Understanding and respect are the most basic attitudes to establish a good relationship. Because relationships come first. Just now we said that the flow chart of the focus solution dialogue has been sent to the group. It has five main steps: the opening is also a warm-up. Goals, resources, a small step and positive feedback. Our first understanding and respect is to establish a relationship, which is the most basic warming attitude. Warm-up is to establish a good relationship of mutual trust, and understanding and respect are the foundation.
We also know it when we study. Understanding is putting yourself in others' shoes. It's all experience. Although I have never experienced them, I have this attitude. I can understand your feelings, and I can understand that your thoughts are correct, such as positive attention, including our facial expressions, my body language and verbal communication. Feel each other's inner experience, causing a curse. For example, this understanding is that we talk to our children: we tell them how hard we used to work, and when we have no money, we eat, live and play. Then we felt bitter and thought we could educate our children. I wonder if your relatives and friends have this experience? Do your children or your students agree with him? He said bitterly, are we more miserable than he is now?
As far as I know, many children disagree. They will say that you had so little homework at that time, and you could still play around. How much pressure are we under now? We don't want to have a good meal now. Our homework is so heavy and the exam is so difficult. Let's see if this idea is different from the standard, so it doesn't mean that what I think is necessarily correct. Because the standards are different, he has his own standards. He will think it's just that you adults didn't do your homework at that time. You are much happier than we are now. This is an understanding of sacrifice. I understand that children nowadays are actually very hard. In this way, if you understand him, he will consider it, get on well with you and listen to us.
Now talk about respect. In fact, respect means thinking that the other person is valuable, capable and wants to be better. The other party is an expert in solving their own problems, but sometimes they don't know it. This is our basic concept of human nature, and even people who have studied Focus in the group know it. Let's take him as an expert in solving our own problems. We didn't. I am just a companion in the process of children's growth. He is actually capable, but whether we have seen it or not. Is to face the people who tell, such as our family, our students and our visitors. Let's masturbate: Do you believe that he is capable and valuable, and want to be better? Just a while ago, I followed an outward bound training camp for teenagers. At that time, there was a big child and a small child in the group. Whenever parents follow their children, as long as parents are around, children will not take part in activities well, especially teenagers, who will resist, then fail to cooperate and get angry in front of their parents. As for children, children over the age of five will hold their mothers' hands. Complain. Later, as soon as the organizer found that something was wrong, he asked all parents to leave. Please go out and don't stand beside it. As long as there are parents standing around, his aura will be different, because children think I am a child, and I can't do anything or do well. But after the parents leave, the older children have to take care of the younger children, and everyone has to participate.
Speaking of which, I believe him. Letting go is also a kind of respect. Even if you let go, you should respect him, including when he speaks, and don't make those mistakes. For example, if I come to my own conclusion, I will interrupt him, give him advice and give him too much guidance. In fact, letting go of these is also a kind of respect.
The second way to achieve a high level of listening: avoid preconceptions and jump to conclusions too early. For example, a wife or husband is wronged at work. Go home and nag. In a bad mood, I always want to talk to someone. The child was criticized by the teacher at school and wanted to talk to someone when he came back. Can we listen as long as they talk? Will we say: Why don't teachers criticize others for always looking for you? Then why don't your colleagues quarrel with others and always quarrel with you? That must be your fault. Well, I haven't come to a conclusion yet, which is equivalent to a sword to seal my throat. This sword is the poison arrow of language, so the child will not mention it again.
Listening method 3 is like a mirror, giving feedback in time. Mirror, how to feedback that the mirror doesn't talk, he is original. He has three principles, which three don't? No evaluation, no presupposition, no mind. We just don't judge whether he is right or wrong, whether he is moral or not, don't use our experience to presuppose what he must be like, and don't give him too much guidance. Of course, we know that we can give him too much guidance. Not giving too much advice is the three noes principle, because the mirror won't say it's just real feedback, just listen quietly. We are much better than the mirror because we have more feelings. We will respond, for example, if the language is nonverbal, and we will give timely feedback. Speaking of this feedback, it happens that there is an opening in front of us. A small step of the target resource is followed by a positive feedback, that is, the focus is positive according to the focus. But also accurately pick out the positive places for him, give him timely feedback, empower him to see what he has done well, and let him see where he has strength. This is the concept of concentration, which is the usual five-concentration method. Because there may be many friends in this group coming to talk or talk about five key points. We will let you know more in the future. Here, just like this kind of positive feedback is to focus on positive things and give them feedback in time, so as to empower him and give him strength.
The fourth method is to create an atmosphere through nonverbal behavior. Nonverbal behaviors, such as facial expressions, are well known. Our body language and voice. If the listener is facing the listener, where are you sitting with him? Is your body so opposed? Besides, this safe distance is generally more than one meter. According to people's habits and your understanding, this is different. Not to mention all these nonverbal behaviors show whether the listener respects whether you are serious, whether you accept it, and whether you have experienced anxiety, doubt or sleepiness. These can't be hidden. Everyone can see them. What nonverbal behaviors are we talking about now? Like a proper nod? Make eye contact with each other and smile. The reaction to each other's mentality is also very appropriate, and we will talk about our expressions later. And we, that is, our expression is * * * emotion, encouraging him to continue, whether the whole person we show shows deep concern for each other. This can make the other party feel the participation and seriousness of the listener. They can feel it.
These need to be implemented moderately. For example, a mother, when you say that her child has a particularly happy thing, or is wronged, tell us. Do you think it is important for us to do housework or spend some time with our children? Maybe some teachers say that I don't have time, so I can't spare much time in a day. Time is long and short, but the attitude must be sincere. If you have time, you can spend half an hour with your children. If you don't have time, just stay with me for five minutes. But during these five minutes, I wholeheartedly looked at my children without looking at my mobile phone or doing housework. Encourage him to tell and pay attention to himself instead of drawing conclusions. And the children also know that my mother belongs to me for five minutes. This companionship is effective. As I said just now, this kind of company is effective. In fact, this listening is effective. He can also achieve certain results in five minutes. As long as you tell your child, he can see that you are busy every day. You are studying for work, and he is watching. At this time, it takes him five minutes to be particularly precious. Don't make excuses. Let's not make excuses that I don't have time. I am busy every day. I do many things every day. I want to take care of her, and I will try my best. If we only care about his body and not his mind. Then we care less than I spend five minutes listening to her. On the other hand, some inappropriate nonverbal behaviors will also affect our listening effect. For example, too much eye contact is staring at each other. Then smiling is inappropriate, for example, she is suffering and we are still smiling, which is unacceptable. Nodding frequently means that the other person will be disturbed. Then, the body is too close. This is based on the situation. If you say it's a child, you can touch her and I will hold him. Of course, for adolescent children, some children don't want to touch his head, so don't touch it. For the other person who is an introvert, stay away from him and don't touch him easily. If the other person is enthusiastic, or we are familiar with each other, it is ok to be one meter apart. So this distance, this little detail, depends on the situation. If these are inappropriate, it will make the other party feel uncomfortable and affect the listening effect.
Method 5 Observe the tone and body language of the speaker carefully. This is silence when necessary, and we will observe it carefully. Necessary silence means careful observation and accurate reflection of a good explanation. For example, when necessary, we will observe it when necessary. When you need to give each other encouragement. What needs to be followed up is to ask or then encourage him to praise him, and then let the listener wait silently when necessary. Or when another person is around, he is meaningfully processing emotions or information. All this requires us to observe carefully and then perceive and judge.
Method 6 Keep silent when necessary. Just saying that knowing what is necessary requires careful observation and accurate reflection. Keeping silent while listening is also an effective strategy. Dare you use this word? Can't stand silence. It is a test for people today. For example, do you realize the positive significance of silence? Do you really understand, respect and accept each other? Whether our hearts are stable enough, whether we are all stable, when we are stable. When we can hold steady, we can endure silence. Specifically speaking, silence is that sometimes silence is more powerful than language. Do you have this experience? When we cry, we don't really want the people next to us to say anything. It's just that I left him there For example, when the other person is complaining, crying, telling the parts that he usually dares not touch, or exposing himself too much and too deeply, he is in pain, embarrassment and fear. Because there is an audience to accept and wait patiently. What does this waiting mean? Silence and waiting at this time is something similar to the person who accompanies us when we are in pain, embarrassment and fear. He waited patiently for us to be there very gently. We think he is the one who gives me time and respects me. He was there when I needed him. When I need peace, he will help me and give me peace. At this time, will we feel that I have enough time and space here, very free, very safe and very relaxed? At this time, my emotions are almost exhausted, so I can continue to explore and make myself public. I can heal myself. I said this place. Suddenly talking about my point of view as a narrator. I hope to have the kind of listener who keeps silent when necessary. So it's a little detour. You can listen to it again and again and feel it. I hope we won't let clouds come and go. There was a warm-up in this flowchart just now, which is a small step to open the target resources and a positive feedback.
We talked a lot about the wrong way of listening. There is also a correct listening method, one * * * six items. Then it is not enough for us to just listen. We must have a reaction, because it is as primitive as a mirror and has three principles. But it needs to be real-time and accurate. Positive feedback is just like we have accurate poverty alleviation now. In fact, this feedback also needs to be accurate. How do we give feedback? Roughly listed four. I think some friends will have more things, and we will expand in the future. For example, if you have a better way, you can come and contact me.
Feedback method 1 responds to the other party's statement with simple sentences. Sometimes, when the other person is talking about a lot of paragraphs, we interrupt him further, but we can't afford to be short, and the work has been sitting there. We use my nonverbal behavior to get along with him, that is, to stay with her all the time. We will simply say, Oh, yes, every day is painful and unhappy. It's simple. Simple sentences are his, not his sentences. Of course, this means that I saw your emotions and heard what you said. I know you're upset now, which means I'm here and I'm listening.
The second feedback method is to repeat the speaker's words. Change me into you, because the average speaker will say that I am me, and he will say that you are you, that is, in a very gentle way. Well, generally speaking, when he appears because the focus is positive, it seems to be solving. When he was telling a story with an emotional turning point, we responded to him in simple language. But as soon as we find something positive, for example, he has encountered many things that are difficult to solve, but maybe one day he has some solutions or some ways to control his emotions, we will tell it back and say, Oh, you still had some methods that day, because you went out for a walk, so you were in a better mood later, right?
For example, if the child comes back, if the parent-child relationship is good, the child is willing to talk. He will tell his teachers and classmates a lot of things he has learned in class, and we will listen carefully, sometimes. Our feedback is to repeat what he said, without drawing conclusions, evaluating, presupposing or implying. Don't let the child talk, that classmate is very annoying and always talks in class. I said that your classmates are always talking in class, which annoys you. This is a repetition of what she said. Give him the same feedback as the first one just now, which means I'm listening. I know how you feel and what you are doing. I am here. I've been listening. Go on. That's what it means.
The third way of feedback is to explain what the speaker means in his own language. Sometimes we will have confirmation and clarification when we listen. Just now I said accurate feedback and accurate response, because we have to confirm and clarify from time to time, because we have to keep the understanding accurate, and we communicate with him on the same frequency. Here, I tell a short story of a consulting friend of mine. When he was chatting with his students, he asked him. First, ask him what's the situation now? The other party said that it was almost, well, half. Is it half of the sea? Yes, half. The situation is half better now. Then our consultant friend said: At present, it is half. If it's between one and ten, it should be five and six. But because the consultant's skill is deep, my friend put up with it, that is, he didn't draw a conclusion prematurely and didn't use his own judgment. One more question: then you say that your situation is half better now, then if it is. Between one and ten, ten is the best and one is not good. Where are you now? Guess what the other person said. The other party said seven or eight points! Later, my counselor friend said: fortunately, I held back, fortunately, I asked again? It turns out that 78 points is half in his place.
Feedback mode 4: Ask questions in real time. There are many problems we are concerned about, such as relationship, miracle exception and hypothesis. Let's take the real-time problem as an example. For example, the parent-child relationship, the child fighting outside or being criticized by the teacher, he came back, he was very wronged. He is saying that if parents listen to their children, he will say it, but in fact he is talking about those details. Then the resentment in his heart was almost the same. At this time, he will listen to what we are saying. Don't say that. How did you feel when he said that about you? In fact, even though he is already talking about his feelings, he is aggrieved, sad and angry. But because of our real-time questioning, our expression of concern for that kind of emotion is very healing for him. Moreover, this kind of problem means that there are no other presuppositions and feelings that follow the three noes principles except the feelings you care about. At this time, children will talk more because of this problem and have a better relationship with us. I believe he can vent more fully. Then the next step, we think that constant guidance will be much more successful. For example, our family encountered something unsatisfactory at work. When she comes back, you say I don't judge him, and I don't blame him. I'll listen. Then I'll just listen there, don't communicate, don't ask questions, you ask them carefully. At this time, the effect will not be achieved, that is, the good effect will not be achieved. Just like children, I asked, they do this every day. You work so hard every day, sometimes the leader can't see it. Then if you ask her like this, she will feel great comfort, much better than that kind of blame.
Finally, let's learn an important basic belief: there is no such thing as resisting visitors. The key is how to cooperate with visitors. There are no children, students or our other half who resist him. How can we cooperate with him? We think how to cooperate is our focus. If we regard each other's resistance as a way of self-protection, he is reminding us to be cautious and slow down. He is reminding us that there are mistakes. For example, we are not close to his needs and goals. If we regard it as a reminder rather than a boycott, we will seek change and we will consider how to cooperate. What is considered here is how to cooperate, that is, how to listen to her words to make her talk more and make him more accommodating. We will combine the above six or more. The way to reach a high level of listening will be worked out slowly. Ok, today's micro lesson is over. Thank you for your listening and company. Goodbye.