It is normal for children to have some conflicts and frictions when they play together. Parents don't have to take this as a problem, don't have to intervene immediately, and don't have to be angry about it.
If it is not serious, pretend not to see it and leave the contradiction to the children to solve it themselves; When it is more serious, simply take it away, regardless of whether the child has suffered or not. The reason can be simply explained, and it is ok not to say it. The key is to keep a friendly and relaxed attitude. This seems to be some inaction, but it is the most basic, simple and effective way to cultivate children's healthy interpersonal relationships.
I sum up this method as "three noes": no anger, no involvement, and no fear of losing money.
My daughter Yuanyuan's fixed playmates before she was 4 years old were Tingting and Xiaozhe, both girls, born almost at the same time and living on the same floor. The three little guys always play together in the East and the West. Tingting and Yuanyuan are very gentle, and Xiaozhe is impatient. They often get the upper hand when grabbing things, and they will bite each other when there is a conflict. I remember Yuan Yuan went to Xiaozhe's home twice and suddenly came back crying, saying Xiaozhe bit her and had obvious tooth marks on her arm.
I always look at her little arm and say to her with a smile, "Oh, there's a fight again." Then gently blow the place where she was bitten and ask her, "Does it still hurt?" If she says it still hurts, I'll blow it again or kiss it gently. Mother's kiss is the best painkiller. She said it didn't hurt, so I said happily, well, it doesn't hurt, so let's go and play with Xiaozhe again.
My attitude has a very obvious influence on Yuanyuan. She is always in a good mood when her tears haven't dried, and immediately returns to Xiaozhe. Occasionally, I will show persistent emotions and say that I don't want to go to Xiaozhe and want to play at home by myself. I also smiled and said, "OK, let's go home and play", whatever she likes. Many times, she couldn't last ten minutes, and then she wanted to find Xiaozhe, or Xiaozhe ran over by herself, and they soon got back together.
In fact, Tingting is often beaten and cried by Xiaozhe, or Yuanyuan and Tingting are sometimes taller and stronger than Xiaozhe. When they are in a hurry, they will push Xiaozhe down and make Xiaozhe cry. Several of our parents have a similar attitude. Of course, we will tell our children to have fun with them, don't fight, don't grab things, and try to resolve conflicts through guidance. At the same time, we are all calm and laugh at the fights and quarrels between children. No one will be here to calculate whether their children have suffered, or complain about other people's children. So the three children have been having a good time together.
This attitude of parents sends a message to their children that conflict is a normal thing, so don't worry, the past is over, and it doesn't matter who is right or wrong, and how to get along with each other-such a psychological establishment is very important, which is an indispensable foundation for the normal development of children's interpersonal relationships, and it is also an open-minded and friendly growth soil.
In fact, children really learned to coordinate quickly and quarreled less and less. When Yuanyuan was 4 years old, we moved to Yantai, and Xiaozhe also moved to Qingdao with his parents. Yantai and Qingdao are not far away, and the two little guys will meet once every few months. In my impression, since then, they have never had an opinion for a few days together, and they are always so happy and tacit. They cry every time and can't wait to meet again. This friendship has lasted until they have grown up.
The principle of "three noes" seems negative, but its significance is very positive. Its main function is to avoid the destructive participation of adults, and it contains a belief that children have the ability to solve related problems by themselves.
It is necessary to establish this belief, which is an important part of children's scientific view and can be transferred to the solution of other problems. Without this belief, the "three noes" will lose its support. Many parents are always skeptical when they are exposed to this principle. Once they try to verify in life, most people will have unexpected gains. We will also have a new understanding of children's abilities.
This principle applies not only to children in the neighborhood, but also to families with twins or many children, as well as kindergartens or primary schools, because children all over the world are the same.
There are twin brothers who often fight for things or other things. The mother's initial treatment is to ask the reason for the fight, judge who did something wrong, hit his hand, or close the darkroom and tell the child why he should be punished. However, the contradiction between the two brothers has not decreased. As they get older, they become more and more. They cried for reason with their mother countless times a day, which made her very mad and often lost her temper. Moreover, the two little guys will pass the buck more and more, and sometimes even lie and put the blame on each other.
The mother began to realize that there must be something wrong with her previous methods, but she didn't know what to do at the moment, so she came to me for advice and went back with a questioning "three noes"
A few months later, I received an email from her saying that she was cooking in the kitchen on the night of the consultation, and heard two little guys arguing at the top of their lungs in the living room again about what had happened. Then they came to the kitchen and talked to their mother tearfully as usual. At that time, when she was preparing to deal with it according to the usual practice, she suddenly thought of my "three noes", so she changed her mind, continued to cook, and said to the two little guys with a relaxed smile, Ha, call again, don't look for your mother in the future, and solve your own problems by yourself, because your mother is busy and has no time to take care of you.
The two little guys didn't expect their mother to have such an attitude today. They froze for a moment, then quarreled and wrestled in the kitchen and began to cry. They looked at their mother while fighting, waiting for her to stand up and judge. Mom stopped what she was doing and smiled and said to them in a gentle tone, "The kitchen is too small to fight. Go to the living room if you want to fight. " Then I sent the two little guys to the living room and went back to the kitchen to continue cooking. She has just returned to the kitchen and is still worried. Don't really create problems. I didn't expect the child's conflict to follow me out of the living room. The two little guys stopped making noise and soon heard their laughter. Mom put down her hanging heart.
In the days that followed, the mother always used this method to deal with the contradiction between her two children. To her surprise, the two brothers really got along better and better, learned to coordinate, and began to understand mutual humility. Now they basically stop complaining to her. This problem, which has been a headache for her for several years, can be easily solved.
Parents often complain that today's children don't know how to be patient, which all comes down to the problem of only child or "doting". In fact, the root cause is that parents are too involved in children's contradictions. Many parents can't see that their children are in conflict. As soon as there is something between children, parents will stand up immediately. If you don't stand up, you don't seem to have fulfilled your responsibilities, and you are also worried that others will say that you don't discipline your children well. Unnecessary intervention, or improper intervention, on the one hand, will amplify the contradictions between children, on the other hand, it will not leave children with opportunities to learn to solve interpersonal problems. The third disadvantage is that children tend to think it is a big deal when they encounter small contradictions, but they will become haggle over every ounce and narrow-minded.
There is a 5-year-old boy who went to his grandmother's house with his mother at the weekend. His uncle and aunt also brought their 3-year-old son. The two little guys were very happy after meeting. After playing for a while, the 5-year-old child suddenly picked up his 3-year-old brother and tried to walk a few steps, but because he was too weak, he fell down and his brother hit his head on the armrest of the sofa and burst into tears. The 5-year-old was at a loss and looked at everyone in shame. My aunt came over and cried in horror when she saw a small bag knocked off the child's head. The mother of a 5-year-old child was very embarrassed to see that her child was in trouble. She is worried that her sister-in-law will be unhappy. She immediately pulled down her face and criticized the child, asking the child to apologize to her brother and say sorry to him.
A 5-year-old child may be afraid or feel wronged, just standing there, no matter what his mother says, he won't talk. Grandma held her breath when she saw this situation. She also came to reason with the child and asked him to apologize to her brother.
While comforting the child, the aunt said in a suggestive tone that my little brother didn't mean to hit his brother. Let him apologize and the baby will stop crying. The 3-year-old child has been crying since everyone said this, as if waiting for his little brother to apologize.
Under the pressure of a group of people, the five-year-old child finally couldn't stand it and whispered "I'm sorry". Grandma thinks the child's voice is too low to hear clearly. She encouraged her children to "speak louder, say it again, good children should bravely admit their mistakes!" " The child didn't say anything, so everyone encouraged him to say it again loudly. The child finally raised his voice and said "I'm sorry". As soon as the voice fell, everyone was about to relax. The child cried with a "wow" and began to lose his temper. He punched and kicked his mother and pulled her away from her grandmother's house.
Let's experience the feelings of a five-year-old child.
He had a good time with his brother and couldn't help picking him up. This must be out of a good wish or to show his love for his brother. It may be that he wants to show his strength as a brother, or even to get some appreciation from everyone. As a result, he got into trouble. You can imagine how embarrassed, humiliated and worried the child was at that time. If the family can handle it in a different way at this time and give the child a step, the effect will be different.
For example, he said to his younger brother in a relaxed manner: "Little brother wanted to see if he could hug you and accidentally fell down. Nothing, let mom blow it, and it won't hurt for a while. " Or deliberately divert the younger brother's attention and say to the crying younger brother: "My brother may not have held it well just now and fell down. Or let my little brother hug you again. Be careful this time and see if I can hold you. " I believe that after my parents said this, my little brother will soon forget his pain, stop crying and be willing to cooperate. At this time, my brother must be willing to hug his brother more carefully to avoid falling. At this time, you can tell your little brother by the way that if you want to hug your little brother in the future, stay away from hard objects such as coffee tables and tables, so that you won't get hurt even if you fall.
Of course, it is also possible. At this time, the younger brother doesn't want to be hugged by the younger brother, or the younger brother doesn't want to hug the younger brother. Everyone can also understandably say, "Well, honey is really sensible, just worried about falling down again. You are really too young now, and you may not be able to hold on. Let's hold it in a few years. In three years, it is estimated that your brother will be able to hug his brother, and maybe his brother will be able to hug his brother. " I believe that when my parents come here, the whole family feels very relaxed, and the children have no possibility of caring anymore.
Some people worry that if the 5-year-old child is not asked to apologize at that time, will he become an uneducated person in the future and do not know how to feel guilty when he has done something wrong?
This kind of worry is completely unnecessary, which involves believing that children have the ability to solve related problems by themselves-as long as they have been friendly and respected during their growth, as long as they have witnessed proper manners and cultivation, they will be nourished in this way. On the other hand, if adults can't show sympathy for children's unintentional mistakes, make a fuss, go online, and force children to say "I'm sorry", which will damage their friendship and love.
Imagine, after the child reluctantly said the word "I'm sorry" under the pressure of everyone, is his heart kinder or meaner? Has his affection for his younger brother strengthened or weakened? Has he become more rational or emotional since then? This kind of treatment actually hurts two children. Although the 3-year-old was apologized, was he buried in some unreasonable and unforgivable vulgar thoughts?
In the process of handling this matter, parents can of course suggest that the five-year-old child apologize to his brother. In a relaxed atmosphere, most children are willing to apologize. If they don't want to, parents will apologize on behalf of their children and give them a demonstration. Then tell the two children: "OK, it's okay, you two can play again." . This is the end of this matter, not only the 5-year-old child saved face, but also the proper limit, learned lessons from this matter and doing things, learned tolerance and optimism, and the 3-year-old child can also learn these things.
The world of children is very simple, and many so-called problems are actually imposed by adults. Among them, the conflict between children is regarded as "making mistakes", especially as the relationship between bullying and being bullied. Now many parents will tell their children: we don't bully others, but we will never let others bully us. Or tell the child directly: you should not take the initiative to hit others. If someone hits you, you must fight back. Even some parents will say to their children in order to strengthen self-protection: If you don't fight back when you are beaten outside, I will beat you when you go home.
Such teaching may help children learn not to suffer, but life is long. Is "no loss" an amulet or a hidden danger? Countless facts in the adult world tell us that people who never suffer losses, or those who have a strong sense of revenge, are in danger of being ambushed on all sides.
For example, a young man in his prime found another boyfriend after his girlfriend broke up with him. He went to kill someone else and then committed suicide. Such behavior, ostensibly out of love, is actually out of hate. Narrow revenge made him destroy a person who made him feel cheated at the expense of his own life.
Although most people who "don't suffer" can live a stable life, can "don't suffer" really win more happiness for him?
One thing happened to me once. When my daughter was in kindergarten, I went to pick her up one day and took her to the kindergarten yard to play with the slide. Suddenly I heard a mother screaming. It turned out that she found a blue thing on her son's arm with tooth marks on it. It seems that it was bitten by a child. The mother immediately asked the child, "Who bit it?" The boy who was playing happily was frightened by his mother's tone and burst into tears. The mother asked the child loudly again: "What is this? Who bit it? " As he spoke, he looked at the children around him with his eyes, as if every child was suspected. The little boy didn't answer, and immediately took his mother's hand and left, crying and saying, "I don't want to play, let's go home, go home." However, the mother took her children to the director to find out the situation.
I really sympathize with her children when I watch their mother drag them to the director's office with an angry face. Compared with the child's pure beauty and self-esteem, how vulgar the mother's behavior is. She is not only humiliating the child, but also ruining her interpersonal relationship. She did it not so much out of love for her children as out of concern and revenge. In fact, what she loves most is not children, but the feeling of "not suffering". She handled it this way just to make herself feel better, but it has already made the child "suffer".
China's traditional wisdom that "losing is a blessing" is regarded as a philosophy of existence by countless people. What it emphasizes is not to submit to humiliation, but to look at the world with an open mind. So it is not from depression, but from tolerance and ability. However, if children are taught not to suffer from losses from an early age, how can they be expected to realize the profound meaning of "suffering from losses is a blessing" when they grow up, and how can they have the idea of "taking a step back and broadening the horizon"?
Of course, there is no need to go to extremes.
Some parents know that it is a blessing to suffer losses, and they also want to cultivate their children's selfless character. When children and other children rob things, they always let them sell them. This is also wrong and extreme.
Because selfishness is human nature, as Rousseau said: our primitive emotions are self-centered; All our instinctive activities are first of all to maintain our survival and happiness. Therefore, the first sense of justice does not come from how we treat others, but from how others treat us. There is a mistake in the general education method: first, only children are told their responsibilities, but never their rights, so the beginning is reversed. ①
Children have not yet established the concept of cooperation, and their toys are not allowed to be played by other children or robbed of other people's toys. This is a normal performance. Forcing children to give up their interests has not cultivated their generosity, but strengthened their sense of tension. If a child feels that others are always invading his private airspace and interfering in his affairs, he will become particularly vigilant and behave more selfish.
The contradiction between children is nothing more than grabbing toys, or fighting without proper limits and accidentally hurting each other. The attitude of adults towards these small contradictions is more important and influential than telling children how to do it. Treat children with the most moral attitude, but don't demand children with high moral standards. In fact, there are not a few children who are naturally unable to get along with others. As long as adults reduce interference, most of them can coordinate themselves.
The core connotation of "three noes" is two points: one is to set a good example for children, and the other is to create an enlightened and goodwill environment. They all want their parents' cultivation.
For example, a parent, who wants to cultivate his son's masculinity, said to his son, "If you have a conflict with your child, no matter who is right or wrong, you are not allowed to cry in front of your opponent, because in that case, your opponent will be very proud and will be like that next time." Such parents may think they are superior, but they mistakenly provoke the relationship between their children and inhumanely suppress their normal emotional expression. It is impossible to cultivate a real man in this way, only to instigate a depressed narrow-minded. The root cause is that parents regard children in conflict as "opponents" and treat conflicts between children with a narrow mind.
In ancient China, narrow-minded people were called "narrow-minded" and "shallow people are narrow-minded and narrow-minded". If parents always trample on their children's simple world with their own wrong standards and judgments, children's interpersonal communication will become more and more difficult and it will be difficult to succeed in the future.
A single mother once asked me for advice. She said that her 4-year-old daughter likes going to kindergarten very much, but when playing with children, she always plays a marginal role, is instructed by others, and always submits to humiliation. For example, if you can't beat others, you won't rob again and play something else. Sometimes other children beat her and didn't dry their tears. When people came to see her, she immediately went to play with others happily and completely forgot what she had just been beaten. The mother thinks that the child is too weak and has no self-esteem. To this end, she has told the truth to her children and severely taught her daughter many times, but it has never worked. The child seems more and more timid. She attributed this to the fact that the child grew up in a single-parent family and felt inferior because of the lack of care and protection from his father. So her question is, how to give psychological counseling to children, do you need to find a father for your children immediately?
It is the normal nature of children to look for and cater to their peers. When there is a conflict with the child, the child can take the initiative to make concessions according to the specific situation, and can self-resolve emotions by diverting attention; After the child offended her, let bygones be bygones, quickly carry out emotional metabolism and start a friendly match again. All this is because children are using their natural purity, openness and self-love to develop their interpersonal coordination skills. This is a kind of potential, hidden in almost every child. As long as there is no wrong external interference, they will be able to grasp the discretion of all kinds of communication in their future growth.
Parents' negative evaluation of their children is actually a projection of her own psychology. Her inferiority and haggle over every ounce make her unable to coordinate interpersonal relationships, and this disharmony will even affect her marriage relationship. Her subconscious self-protection is to keep herself away from others and refuse to associate. Now I can't help but drag my daughter in this direction.
I asked the parent about her childhood. She also grew up in a single-parent family. Her description of her childhood is exactly the same as that of her daughter's present situation. In the statement, she suddenly found that her attitude and way of treating her daughter was simply a copy of her mother's treatment of her in those years-here, she began to touch the root of the problem, which was the beginning of change.
Children are different in nature, so don't expect their performance in interpersonal communication to meet your ideal. He may be strong or weak; It may be cunning or kindness. These characteristics do not represent what kind of person he will become in the future. As long as he is happy and pure when playing with his companions. Good peer relationship itself is a nutrient for growth, which can nourish children's psychology and grow up healthily.
At present, there is a worrying phenomenon. Some people often instill negative concepts such as sinister society and impermanence in children because of their dissatisfaction or low vision, so that children have no trust and affection for the world outside home from the beginning of their lives. This not only reduces the child's openness in interpersonal communication, but also binds his mind to accept the world and even cultivates an antisocial personality.
There is no conflict between having good trust in the world and having basic security knowledge. Parents should tell their children all kinds of potential dangers in interpersonal communication, such as what happened to people around them, or what was reported by the media, and talk to their children on a matter-of-fact basis to increase their common sense. Life is full of joys and sorrows, routines and accidents. Knowing that the world is gloomy does not mean seeing that the world is gloomy; Knowing that the world is bright doesn't mean you are unprepared. This is the attitude you should have towards society, and it is also the model you should take to educate your children.
Positive education is always the most reliable way. Just like avoiding the flu, it should be prevented by strengthening the body, instead of wearing a gas mask when going out. If you want your child to show the elegant demeanor of a steed in the future, don't instigate him to live a hedgehog life from an early age.
Finally, it should be emphasized that the successful application of the "three noes" can only be effective if the three commandments are implemented at the same time. When many parents implement this principle, they often notice that they don't interfere and are not afraid of losses, but they often ignore their children's temper and beat and scold them at will. The effect of this method will be greatly reduced. The reason is that parents themselves set a bad example for their children, who are inconsiderate, intolerant, unfriendly and angry. This also needs parents' special attention. There is a fragrance in the hearts of adults, which can form a pleasant edification for children.