It is not easy to trust others. What if you are too defensive? Why should I change my mind? In this world, people can't trust anyone but themselves. It's a little dark, but this is the reality. People who achieve great things seem to doubt others, but in fact they are using dozens of methods to prevent them. The so-called righteousness is superficial, so why change it? It's best to be yourself.
Why can't people trust others easily? Hehe, your so-called "disbelief" is an instinctive reaction, just a subconscious behavior of people.
Actually, it has nothing to do with believing it or not.
Scientifically speaking, the parties experience the special emotional excitement generated by this object perception and act on it in a specific situation, or at least experience the impulse to act.
Why can't I easily believe that Xiaomei's first impression is beautiful and exquisite. She is a student of a famous university and should be enviable. In the consultation record, the main problems that Xiaomei filled in and needed help were "unsmooth interpersonal communication, study, language expression, oppressive feeling and lack of self-confidence", which did not meet my first impression. With such curiosity, we began to consult. Xiaomei, who once thought of herself like this, is now a sophomore. She is dissatisfied with her present situation and wants to change. The most direct reason why Xiaomei came to the consulting room is that she wants to run for the president of the school community. Moreover, she feels that she has great problems in interpersonal communication and is not confident enough-she realizes that these problems will become obstacles to her election. I asked Xiaomei, "Can you feel that you have any interpersonal problems?" Xiaomei said that she is very concerned about others' comments on herself, but she is full of distrust of these comments, especially when others give positive comments, she will not believe that this is a heartfelt compliment. She doesn't know how to respond to other people's compliments; Where is inferior to others, her heart is full of jealousy. She said that in the process of getting along with her classmates, she always observed and felt that she was worse than others. Such feelings are hidden in Xiaomei's heart. No one knows that such feelings often torment her and make her feel insincere to others. Even, she feels that her state in public is hypocritical and she doesn't like herself very much. In the process of our conversation, I found Xiaomei's eyes dodging and rarely looking directly at my eyes, which is consistent with her inner description of herself. What makes me more curious is that according to her description, she has a strong distrust of others, but why can she express herself so quickly and sincerely now, and quickly establish trust in me? I expressed my feelings to Xiaomei: "You said that you are insincere and hypocritical to others, but my feeling is that you will soon be able to trust me and express your deep feelings to me. I feel that you are sincere. " Xiaomei replied: "Because you are a psychological counselor and I am here to solve the problem, so I can trust you." This is the reason she found to trust others. In my eyes, what I see is that Xiaomei has the ability to trust others, but she doesn't admit it herself. So what's the problem? I asked Xiaomei to write down her own evaluation from both advantages and disadvantages. She was very handy in describing her shortcomings and soon wrote 10- 1. She is not sociable; 2. The circle of friends is not wide; 3. Not good at caring for others; 4. Can't bring happiness to others; 5. Not good at praising others; 6. Strong jealousy; 7. Unwilling to associate with people who are stronger than themselves; 8. Slow response; 9. There is no logic in speaking; 10. Not academic enough. In contrast, it is particularly difficult for Xiaomei to write her own advantages. After thinking for a long time, she only wrote seven articles, two of which were questioned and one was crossed out-1. Be careful; 2. Very influential? 3. Is your tone good? 4. Be willful and strong; 5. Don't intentionally hurt others; 6. Dare to try new things; 7. Make progress; 8. Be able to absorb other people's opinions (cross out this article). Then, I let Xiaomei know carefully what she felt in the process of self-evaluation just now. She said that she felt that when writing shortcomings, her heart was full of trust and she was particularly sure. When looking for advantages, I am not so sure. Even if I wrote it, I don't quite agree. She said that this process made her discover something new about herself: that is her opinion of herself. My every move is judged by my heart. In the second week of consultation, Xiaomei arrived as scheduled. I found that she changed a little, made more eye contact with me, and her facial expression was much more lively and relaxed. This time we mainly discussed some of her childhood life. Before the fourth grade of primary school, Xiaomei was a person who dared to speak and do and express herself. After that, she was sent to her grandparents' home, and grandma also had some problems. Xiaomei said that her grandmother's neglect, distrust, suspicion, attack, etc. made her very unhappy at that time. After living in such an environment for many years, I became cautious and depressed. I put a chair in front of Xiaomei and a piece of paper with "Grandma" written on it. I asked her to imagine her grandmother sitting opposite her and try to express what she wanted to say-this is the "empty chair technique" commonly used by counselors. Sure enough, Xiaomei gradually expressed her dissatisfaction with her grandmother, which was suppressed for a long time. Through this exit, she clearly expressed her grandmother's harm to herself. Xiaomei's voice slowly changed from weak to very powerful, and her expression became more and more powerful-this was the moment when her repressed life energy returned to herself. In the last few consultations, we discussed the relationship between Xiaomei and her parents. Xiaomei's parents are both soldiers and have always been strict with her. From a very young age, no matter how well she behaved, her parents would think that she had not done enough, and had never been satisfied with her or proud of her. Xiaomei said that whenever she made some very good achievements and expected her parents' praise, they would always follow a long warning after an understatement of praise. I asked her how she felt when her expectations failed and she became disappointed. Xiaomei said, "I just can't get happy and feel that I'm really not that good." Time and again, Xiaomei internalized her parents' comments and demands-"You should never be satisfied, you will never be good enough". When others praise her, such praise is inconsistent with her inner evaluation of herself, so she will doubt others' evaluation. In addition, during the time when she lived in her grandmother's house, there was a deep contradiction between her mother and her grandmother. Xiaomei often felt the conflict between them, and she became the most vulnerable victim. My mother often mentions her dissatisfaction and resentment towards her grandmother, hoping that she can look at her grandmother from the same standpoint as herself. This practice of my mother made Xiaomei feel very helpless. She doesn't know how to comfort her mother or what to do. This shows that Xiaomei's mother is immature. In order to seek inner balance and comfort, the mother passed on the contradiction with her grandmother to a teenage child, and the child has to live with this person (grandmother) every day. Such a burden is unbearable for adults, and a child can't balance this complicated relationship. Therefore, Xiaomei's heart is full of a series of complicated emotions such as helplessness, resentment, doubt, distrust, incomprehension, contradiction, uncertainty and disapproval. She grew up in this kind of repression. Xiaomei is now clearly aware of the "harm" brought by her parents: when she encounters various setbacks after going to college, whenever she calls home and tries to communicate her confusion in the new environment with her parents and ask for help from them, her parents can't really understand her or give any constructive advice except to keep her good grades in her studies. This sense of frustration and helplessness is also one of the reasons that prompted Xiaomei to go into the psychological counseling room for help-she realized that she had a problem, but no one supported her and helped her; Coupled with her distrust of people, there is no way to believe the opinions given by others. Xiaomei wants to meet people who are better than herself, but she is full of jealousy for them. Such ambivalence makes her feel unnatural when she is in contact with others, and every move in front of others is judged by her own heart. That's why she said, "I envy those honest students." Their freewheeling and self-satisfied state makes me very yearning. " To provide rich psychological nourishment for ourselves, on the one hand, our consultation pays attention to excavating the negative influence of early experience on Xiaomei, and makes her gradually realize that her personality and psychological state grew and evolved in such soil; On the other hand, we also discussed the positive energy in her life-she can stay focused in a complex environment and a long-term contradictory psychological state, get into the best university, constantly challenge and improve herself, and actively seek ways to help herself. Therefore, her psychological energy is strong and her vitality is vigorous. During the whole consultation process, I seemed to see a small and weak tree growing tenaciously in the sand-covered desert. I remember the fourth consultation, Xiaomei said that she actually shed tears for the first time when she was very lonely as a child. As a consultant, I will be happy for her tears this time, because it means that years of repression have finally found an outlet. In the last two consultations, Xiaomei showed a strong desire to change quickly, but she has been worried that the negative thinking of not trusting others and not trusting herself formed over the years will be difficult to change. I asked her, "How old do you want to live?" "60 years old." "Well, it took you 20 years to develop your current personality and way of thinking. We still have 40 years. From the simplest figures, do you think this change is possible? " "Yes!" Xiaomei said firmly. During the last consultation, Xiaomei told me that she was running for the club president with the support and encouragement of the former president, which not only improved her self-confidence, but also made her feel that others' evaluation and concern for her were sincere. This experience is the beginning of change for her. What I didn't expect was that Xiaomei took the initiative to give me a sincere hug before walking out of the consulting room.
Why can't I trust others easily? Ha ha! I am just like you! I never trust anyone around me, but I find that we don't let others near us first, so it is difficult for people like us to trust others. You should try to accept others more! It should be better to spend more time with everyone! That's how I got here! Work hard. I believe you can do it! Get along well with people around you! It can be done! Come on!
What if you are too defensive and don't trust others? See a psychiatrist.