In fact, the emotional problems of these two people are nothing special. Before taking over this consultation, I encountered many similar situations, so I want to take this opportunity to share with you. If you have the same problem as this girl, you can learn something from my recovery method more or less. Of course, everyone's emotional state can't be exactly the same, so we should pay attention to the specific analysis of the specific situation and don't copy it mechanically. (The screenshot was released with the consent of the girl herself. I hope everyone will not reprint it at will. )
Xiaoyun is in love with her boyfriend. She is in China, and her boyfriend is studying for a doctorate in Australia. There are usually few opportunities for two people to meet, and they basically contact each other by mobile phone. Sometimes Xiaoyun even thinks that she and her boyfriend are "online dating". The reason for breaking up is that two people started a cold war after quarreling. Xiaoyun thought that her boyfriend would take the initiative to contact her as before, but he didn't wait for the news of the other party. When Xiaoyun couldn't help but contact the other party, she got the response of the other party breaking up.
Xiaoyun can't figure out why her boyfriend is different from before. She even wondered if the other party was cheating abroad, so she sent a lot of information and emails to question the other party, but she didn't get a response from the other party. My boyfriend didn't hack her, and the social platform was updated occasionally, but the message was thrown into the sea and there was no clear response.
In this case, Xiaoyun found me and confided in me, hoping that I could help her and save this relationship.
First of all, let me talk about why this man shows a cold and indifferent state. Really, as Xiaoyun thinks, has her boyfriend completely given up on herself? I'm telling you, no, boys are actually just escaping from Xiaoyun's high-concentration emotional appeal.
Quite simply, there will be emotional dependence between partners, because you have maintained close contact for a long time. Although the act of breaking up temporarily interrupts your intimate contact, the inertia of emotional dependence still exists.
Therefore, especially in the early days of breaking up, many girls like Xiaoyun couldn't control their negative emotions, and they were hysterical and stalked. In fact, at this time, you are equivalent to passing on your negative emotions to the other party. People will instinctively pursue happiness and comfort. Now you make him unhappy and uncomfortable, so subconsciously, he will choose to escape and avoid these negative pressures you give him.
If you want to break this deadlock, you must let the other party find comfort between you again. How can you find it? The first step is to communicate actively through rationalization.
I know many friends will say, how can I communicate with him if he doesn't talk to me? As I said above, if the other party doesn't respond to you, it's probably not really giving up on you, but your communication style is wrong. As long as you use the right method, you can resume normal communication with each other.
This method is what I call rationalization. The contradiction between "I want to be quiet" and "we have nothing to say now" expressed by the other party when breaking up is collectively called "passive waste test" in psychology. This situation shows that his negative impression of you has reached a peak, so if you want to break this state, you must reverse his view.
Therefore, your rationalization needs include the following three points:
Face up to the fact of breaking up, affirm the other party's decision and ease the contradiction.
Retreat for progress shows your definition of self-identity in your current relationship.
Describe the current state of mind, and eliminate each other's vigilance and resistance.
For example, you can tell each other this way:
"I know we have broken up. I've calmed down recently and thought a lot. I think what you said is right. We may really not be suitable to continue to be lovers. Thank you for taking care of me before. I think it's easier for us to be friends. I won't change it in the future
It bothers you. I also want to start my own new life. I hope you do the same. Best wishes. "
The first sentence, "You're right, we are not suitable to be lovers", shows our position and affirms the other party's decision to break up.
The second sentence, "Let's be friends", describes the identity and paves the way for establishing comfort.
The third sentence, "I'm going to start a new life", describes the mentality, that is, I have put it down, and you should put it down to ease the defense psychology of the other side.
When we make such a rational description, all we have to do is wait for the other party's response quietly. If the other person still doesn't respond, or has a cold attitude, such as replying "well" and "good", it means that the other person still hasn't opened his heart or has doubts about you. All you have to do is rationalize again, keep consistency and give him some room to think.
If the other person replies with a positive sentence and a line agrees, it means that he has accepted your rationalization and the negative emotions have been alleviated to a certain extent. Then what you have to do next is to find the deep-seated problem that caused you to break up and solve this problem. As long as you dispel this concern in the other person's heart, it is natural to get back together.
Let me tell you a very big problem that puzzles most long-distance lovers: safety.
Ten long-distance relationships and nine reasons for breaking up are all due to lack of security. Many people will say that their other half is particularly joking, but it is actually because of insecurity. Because they didn't, they tried their best to grab it, just like a child crying for candy.
So why is there no sense of security? For most people, this can be traced back to your family background and growing environment:
Maybe in your childhood, your parents didn't give you enough company, so you couldn't learn the ability to love and be loved correctly, so you have been in a state of being swayed by considerations of gain and loss;
It may also be that you have encountered some setbacks in the growing environment the day after tomorrow, and your perfectionism or pessimism will amplify the pain caused by these setbacks and make you unable to accept everything full of uncertainty. This insecurity is often manifested as a strong desire for control in emotional relationships.
In any case, if you want to save this relationship, what you have to do now is to find your own sense of security. What everyone needs to pay attention to here is that the sense of security is not elsewhere, but on themselves.
What do you mean? The sense of security is not given by the other party, but by yourself. What you have to learn is to internalize your own needs and turn your attention to yourself.
I know that many friends, especially girls, are particularly prone to "falling in love", that is, once they fall in love, the consciousness of "self" disappears and their eyes are full of each other. You have to ponder over each other's casual actions for a long time, which is unnecessary, really unnecessary.
The establishment of intimate relationship is always attraction rather than charity. If the other person chooses to be with you, there must be some value to attract him, so what you have to do is to deepen your value and make him realize that you are always his best choice at any stage, which is much stronger than the intimate relationship you have established by catering to him and pleasing him.
Because human nature will always pursue people and things higher than itself, no one will like things that will make you weak, and you won't look for a boyfriend who is not as good as yourself everywhere, will you?
Besides, effective communication is also a strategy to enhance the sense of security. What is effective communication? It means that there is interaction and communication between you two, and you can get useful information in the communication to promote your feelings. This is a perfect and effective communication.
For example:
● Express more positive feelings: China people seem to be particularly bad at saying such straightforward love words as "I love you", but for a long-distance relationship, the other person can't see or touch it, and can only feel the feelings you want to convey through sound and words. Then expressing your love directly is the best way. Say "I love you" to each other more often, so that he can directly feel your concern for him, instead of letting him be at a distance.
● Insist on yourself: Many people will think that I want to express more positive feelings, so good, I will endure not to say my opinions and suggestions, or I will hide it in my heart and not let the other party know, then I will tell you, all wet. A truly healthy intimate relationship means that you should not only express positive feelings, but also dare to stick to yourself.
What do you mean? Is that you should dare to express your different views. Because everyone's growing environment and personality are different, their understanding and ideas about things are of course different. What you have to do is to clearly show your point of view to the other party and listen to the other party's point of view carefully. Only in the collision and running-in of these viewpoints can we really understand each other and your's feelings will develop for a long time.
● Learn to share: As I said above, due to the influence of time difference, spatial distance and other factors, information exchange is not particularly timely. What you have to do at this time is to learn to share your life with each other and guide them to share his situation with you.
Usually, you can send more messages, find a free time to make a phone call, or make an appointment to watch a movie through video synchronization on weekends, so that both parties can keep abreast of each other's current situation and give feedback. This is a very good way to bring two people closer together.
● Give respect and trust: Respect and trust are the cornerstones of maintaining intimate relationships, whether it is a long-distance relationship or not, so respect and trust are particularly important for long-distance relationships. Like Xiaoyun, it is very undesirable to suspect that the other party has a new love without knowing it.
The trust mechanism is mutual. How much trust you give each other, the other party will give you back. The result of feelings is never known. Don't let your doubts ruin his feelings for you. Again, you can't be 100% sure that the other person will never leave you. What you can do is to spend time and energy to improve your value and make the other person more and more inseparable from you.
The last thing I want to share with you is that the recovery of long-distance love does not mean that the other party promises to get back together with you now, but manages and maintains the intimate relationship after. Two people support each other, grow up with each other, learn to understand and tolerate, become better with each other, and become better with themselves. This is the significance and key to recovery.
I'm Chen Yu, an emotional counselor, and I know more than you think. If you are emotionally confused, you can ask for a private letter or comment.