This kind of control is not what we thought. The strong control the weak.
Controls are developed in different ways. The shallowest way is to beat and scold. Usually in modern society, because beating, cursing and slavery are illegal, many more subtle methods are derived to control a person.
Many times, the other person is controlled by a warm and weak coat, which arouses your guilt.
For example:
If you like freelancing, but your parents think you are more suitable for taking the civil service exam (the factor behind it is generally that they think civil servants are more decent and stable), their parents may persuade you to say: I am doing this for your own good, and only parents will really consider you. (Warm card). It's not easy for me to raise you. I raised you and sacrificed a lot. I gave up (arousing guilt)
At this time, a large number of people succumbed to the "relationship orientation."
China people seem to have a very persistent fascination with "relationship orientation".
Fei Xiaotong divided the relationship between China people into three layers.
People in China divide the relationship between people into three types. One is called family relationship, which is the core layer. The protection of interests in family relations is unconditional and unpaid. When the family relationship is not good, of course there will be anger and hostility, but more patience, because the dirty linen in public. The second level of relationship is acquaintance relationship, such as classmates, neighbors, colleagues and fellow villagers. Acquaintances have some expectations for the return of human feelings, and they will accommodate but have conditions. The third layer of relationship is the least involved stranger relationship in China culture. Business is business, which is the characteristic of the relationship between strangers. Strangers often don't give any care, just talk about interests and ask for the highest return.
We have also personally felt that working in a small city may be just a very small thing, and we all have to climb relationships. With acquaintances, principles and standards will be flexible, and things that could not be done originally can be done suddenly.
Because of this principle of relationship adjustment, China people are obsessed with managing and maintaining relationships. Many people spend all their energy and time on interpersonal relationships to gain any respect from others, instead of focusing on their own goals.
When we call TV, we will see a large number of film and television works based on "relationship orientation".
For example, the overbearing president fell in love with me (I proved my charm because of my relationship with the overbearing president); The harem drama (I proved my value because of the success of the women's competition); Machiavelli-style drama (I climbed to the peak of power and was admired by thousands of people. I am so valuable)
"Relationship-oriented" makes us addicted to seeking others' approval (bottom-up), enjoying the happiness brought by rights (top-down) and competitive anxiety (trampling on each other).
Consequence of "relationship orientation": I have no value, and my value comes from the evaluation and love of others.
There is nothing wrong with the "relationship orientation" on the surface. By meeting other people's demands and seeking their love or recognition of life, I can live happily every day.
But the problem is that others can take back your recognition and love at any time. They can control you with their approval and love as a means of control.
If we can't define our goals, we can feel our value by achieving them. We will fall into the trap that I am worthless without crowds.