In fact, I do consulting, and I am most afraid of meeting such people. Knowing that there is no future with my predecessor, I always say: I understand everything you say, but I just can't do it. My predecessor is like a devil. How can I let go of my obsession?
Obsession, let's first dismantle a term: obsessed with "paranoia" and thinking about "thought".
1 Why is it paranoid?
There are two kinds of paranoia: what you can't get is what you want; I think it's my own, and I don't want to part with it.
A few days ago, a friend who broke up with her ex for two years came to me and told us that she wanted it back, but her ex was married and now she is in pain. I don't know what to do.
At that time, we were all surprised. We didn't think of counseling until two years after we broke up, and our predecessors were married and still unresolved.
I asked her: Why did it take so long to think of consulting professional institutions? It's been too long since we broke up, and our feelings have long faded. Besides, we don't provide help here, and it is impossible to help you, a third party, to destroy his marriage.
The consultant told us:
I told her that this situation really has no chance of recovery. In the two years since we broke up, we have met one after another, but they are essentially "harassment" to our predecessors, and our feelings have never been repaired. On the contrary, in every harassment, we have been tired again and again, finally broken, and what we have not got.
Now you feel that the sky is falling, which is the result of the joint action of internal and external driving forces.
I haven't found a better man to replace your ex, or I met him, but I missed my ex and couldn't devote myself to new feelings.
Internally, I have always been out of place. Although we broke up, you still think this man has always been your own: let the bullets fly for a while. As long as I seriously try to save it, this man will definitely turn back, but the reality has given you a loud slap. Not only did you not get back together, he even left you and started a new life.
This new life was originally spent with you, but now it has been replaced by others, thinking it is their own and unwilling to give up.
No.2 said paranoia, explain what is thought.
There are also two kinds of thoughts: the goal under rational thinking and the desire driven by emotion.
The transformation of obsession into goal under rational thinking will lead to the growth of life; If you have been addicted to the emotion-driven desire, it will bite you and make you live like a chicken feather.
1) The goal of rationality is a long-term struggle.
You should strive to improve yourself and do what you can. When you become excellent, you will find that, oh, the original ta is just that.
Here Sige wants to share a short story of my life.
When I was in junior high school, a man liked to go against me. At that time, I thought to myself, I must let him taste my power one day when I grow up. This is also one of my obsessions.
A few years ago, our junior high school classmates got together, and I saw him again after many years. He didn't get along very well, doing odd jobs everywhere, getting married once, and then divorcing in a hurry. Suddenly, I put down the idea of getting back at him. I live much better than him. We are not from the same level, so why bother with him?
2) Emotion-driven actions can bring short-term pleasure, but will make you regret it immediately.
In the process of my consultation, it can be said that most people's behavior is emotion-driven. They may be excellent in other aspects, but when they fall in love, they become a "love brain" that is out of control. All actions depend on the primitive instinct of animals.
I want to chat with ta, so I want to send a message. I want to see ta, so I want to catch up.
Your behavior may satisfy the off-chart mood at present, but once the other person's response fails to meet your expectations, the bad mood begins to accumulate again, and then the same cycle begins again.
Emotional out of control ~ "vent your emotions with your ex ~" The feedback from your ex did not meet your expectations ~ "Emotional accumulation ~" Emotional out of control.
Maybe your emotions haven't been vented yet, and your body collapses every day because of these negative emotions and you are tired of life. You even hurt your hands by self-mutilation, drinking and pulse-taking, and relieve your psychological pain with physical pain.
Man is a tree, and feelings are just a leaf and a vine. When the leaves are yellow, they will naturally fall off and then grow new buds. Vines will branch prematurely, but after being cut off, the tree will grow stronger and stronger, instead of cutting off the whole tree because of the withering of a leaf and a crooked vine.
Number three? Let go of your obsession and start a new life, starting with improving your self-awareness.
I believe everyone has heard of this sentence, which seems idealistic, but it still has a certain philosophical meaning. If you want to let go of a person or a relationship, the ideological level will be upgraded by one dimension.
1) Look at the problem from a developmental perspective.
Emotion is a variable, not a measure. No matter how much this person loved you before, you didn't try to keep it. With ta's love for you by hook or by crook, ta will leave you.
Then your way of thinking will change from the limited thinking of "Teacher, ta really loved me, and ta still loves me now" to "ta loved me before, but I'm not sure. I knew that I had made a mistake. I hope to be a better person. Even if I don't save my success, I will grow. "
2) Don't hate without love.
What is the opposite of love? Many people say it's annoying. Some people break up and live in hatred.
But have you ever wondered if there is anything wrong with your relationship? If you have questions, are they the main ones? If your own problems caused the relationship to break up, then your ex is the victim. Since ta didn't hold you accountable as a victim, what reason do you have to teach ta!
Then if you do well, ta is a bad person who cheated you, causing you to get hurt and suffer losses. It is wise to stay away from ta. Since this is scum, what reason do you have to spend your time and energy on ta?
Don't have the mentality of revenge. When is the time to retaliate against each other? Let go of ta and give yourself a chance to start over.
3) Break old habits and customs
Teacher, I really can't forget ta. What should I do? I mean, you didn't even think about coming out. How could you forget?
For those who are not strong enough, the environment has a great influence on them. It's simple. It would be nice to change the environment.
If you still have his things at home, you can pack them up and inform him to take them away. You can sell them if you don't want them. If you can't sell it, you should throw it away. Don't leave anything he can contact you as an excuse.
If you want to break it, break it clean.
Go to the shops you used to go to, and reduce the number of times you go. As the saying goes, it's really out of sight, out of mind, out of mind to reduce the chance of meeting each other within the physical scope.
4) New love can heal, but it should also be classified.
There may be many friends who advise you that the empty window of feelings will infinitely enlarge your thoughts of your predecessor. You should find a new lover and let go of ta.
It is not impossible to find a new lover, but don't use it as a means of healing.
One of our former students asked me for guidance before, and the relationship developed steadily. Suddenly one day, he told me that he didn't want it back.
Their unit made friendship with a unit with many female employees, and after going there, they really felt that a girl was quite good. Coincidentally, that girl also took a fancy to our student, and after a while, she chatted very well, and slowly the student didn't want to save his ex-girlfriend.
The simple truth is that when the value of a new lover is higher than that of your predecessor, you will naturally let go. Of course, the essence of interpersonal communication is the exchange of values. If you want to establish contact with a better person, you must stand on the same level with him.
However, there is another situation. The value of this new love is not as high as that of your predecessor, and it is probably the cannon fodder of your relationship with your predecessor.
Like many friends who came to consult me, I was very kind to my boyfriend, but my boyfriend's predecessor asked for reconciliation, and then they really got back together.
Of course, they have a good emotional foundation. On the one hand, your value is not as high as his predecessor, which is also a weighing point.
It is said that shopping malls are like battlefields, and so is love.
I said a lot today, I hope you can understand some truth. In fact, understanding this word can also be disassembled. It can be leading or leading, but what you can "realize" depends on your personal practice.
If you also have emotional problems, but don't know how to do it, you can write your questions in the comments area and I will help you answer them one by one.