In this life, who impressed you the most and what kind of influence did you have?
Personality is an internal relationship model of a person, which is formed, displayed, healed and changed in the relationship.
The relationship between a person and his initial important object will be internalized into a person's heart and become an internal relationship model.
At first, the important objects were generally the mother's breasts (bottles), mother and father.
Therefore, the internal relationship model can be regarded as the relationship model between "internal parents" and "internal children".
This pattern is usually shaped before the age of 6.
In a new relationship, a person always seeks to project his inner relationship pattern into this new relationship, and wants to turn it into a relationship that conforms to his inner relationship pattern.
In the relationship, both sides want to repeat their internal relationship model and continue to compete, thus providing the possibility of change.
"Unified suspended attention": the consultant should always have a "third eye" suspended in the air and observe what happens between the consultant and the visitor like a bystander.
The current relationship model is the reappearance of internal relationship model and childhood relationship model, and it also appears in various relationship models.
This reappearance will accurately correspond to family of origin's relational pattern.
Being born in a family is a model of one's fate. When you realize this, you will be free.
Any word used to describe personality can be understood in the framework of relationship. For example, self-confidence means that inner parents trust inner children.
When people talk to each other, they convey two levels of information: objective facts and subjective emotions.
Rest:
When the other person's interaction is too problematic, he can point out the psychological logic of the other person and find the internal relationship model he is trying to build.
Bracket:
Respect objective facts and reject fallacies; Subjective emotions should be emotional, and junk emotions should be rejected or solved. In this way, an equal relationship model is constructed.
In the relationship, we pursue narcissism of "I am right" and "I am better than you". Once someone establishes a basically equal relationship with us without destroying our narcissism, I will find that this is what we really want, and this relationship is also the most comfortable.
In partnership, with the increasing sense of security, it is inevitable to return, so we must be prepared to "poison" intimate relationships in order to truly establish intimate relationships.
Breast refers to food and the object behind it that provides food. As long as the baby can establish a good relationship with the food provider, this is a good prototype of fate.
What kind of relationship a person wants to establish at the moment, what kind of internal model this person will have.
A person's current relationship with food repeats the relationship between childhood and original food.
How to eat reflects how to eat milk. At the same time, it also reflects his relationship with his mother, determines his relationship with other women, and affects his relationship with the whole outside world.
Pay attention to children's needs.
Be yourself in a relationship.
You are here, so I exist.
Have you ever experienced selfless love? How did it happen? The so-called selflessness means that when you experience love, your self disappears.
Seeing is love.
People who want to share all the information want to have a pair of loving eyes and see their every move. Friends who don't have a fixed demand are already quite satisfied in infancy.
When you see me, there are two mirrors:
I see my mirror image in your eyes;
When you look at me attentively, the reaction of your whole soul reflects my existence.
My feelings must be seen before they begin to exist.
(1) was seen;
2 The experience we see at first will be internalized into a mirror, allowing us to observe our own experience and understand the experience of others;
How to view:
(1) verbally pointed out;
② Breathe at the same frequency as the other party;
3 simply respond to each other's feelings;
Everyone wants to be seen, and this narcissistic need is the most fundamental.
You, in what way, are eager to be seen.
1, understanding and seeing
Tell your partner that you cheated, and tell your partner that your past is not good. There is a wish behind this: please "you" see my sin, please accept my behavior and forgive me. In this way, my "sin" will be cleared by you.
2. Revenge and seeing
Revenge, before killing, will let the other party see themselves, which is to pass on hatred to the other party and pass on the feeling of "I am strong and you are weak" to the other party.
Can you keep a secret?
Even if we haven't shared the most secret things with anyone, we always have an almost irresistible impulse to tell them to a specific person, even anyone.
4. Everything is relationship, and relationship is everything.
All actions must be understood in connection. There is no such thing as "absolute loneliness".
Sometimes, we meditate in loneliness, draw strength from loneliness and grow up in loneliness. Finally, we must be eager to tell others what we have gained in loneliness.
1, telepathic sensitivity
This sensitivity only needs a similar rhythm. The other party is "dadada" and you are "dadada";
When you consciously feel each other's feelings and respond, the other party will think that I have been seen.
When you concentrate on a person, the probability of telepathy is much higher.
My feelings, conveyed to you, seem to have established a connection between two people, or between two living beings. At this moment, you and I both disappeared.
When love happens, you can let go of yourself.
In the early days of babies, mothers with the characteristics of "primitive maternal love" are very sensitive to their children's needs, and sometimes they can directly feel their children's feelings, so they can respond to their babies in time. This timely response gives the baby a sense of satisfaction and even a sense of existence. This is a great gift, saying, "The world welcomes you".
Focus = you are there, so I exist.
When you pay attention to me with love, I will feel your presence and my heart will be at peace.
People who don't have children in their hearts, or people who live in their hearts, can establish a telepathic relationship with children and others through the method of "concentrating on one person".
1, Obsessed with Losing Yourself:
Focusing on the other side, I lost myself. At this time, the other person also feels that his ego has been destroyed by your ego.
For example, everyone will feel that his heart is going to break and collapse when he expects that the other person may say a negative message.
However, the important value of losing self-love is to destroy self and narcissism.
2. Without My Love:
The egos of both sides of the relationship have disappeared, and my authenticity and yours have met, and there is a real sense of existence.
3. How can people who are used to invisibility see?
Strive to build relationships and boldly show your inner desires, even if you are scarred.
It is better to establish a nourishing relationship, warm the sun, and be good at understanding and listening.
4, marriage is dull, how to become the mirror of each other?
In marriage, we must attach importance to each other's experiences and communicate feelings, including love and hate. If you can't see each other's experiences and share your feelings, the marriage relationship will have no vitality. Therefore, we should express more love, understand and accept each other's love and hate.
1, relation ontology
The ontology of the world is the relationship between "I" and "you", which can be divided into:
Me and it: I regard you as a tool and object to achieve my goal;
Me and you: when I put down my expectations and goals and met you.
2. The relationship between "me and you" is instantaneous, and we can only enter this relationship occasionally, while the relationship between "me and it" is all the time.
No matter what expectations you have, no matter how noble and correct your purpose and motivation are, what you have established is the relationship between me and it.
In interpersonal relationships, the most common thing is to control and exploit each other in the name of love.
For example, if you listen to me and do as I say, it's called love me; If you don't listen to me, if you don't do what I say, you don't love me.
The best relationship is that I have not lost my subjectivity and you have not lost yours. We have really been trying to make each other "it". But in the process of our communication, there were moments of "you and me" and we finally met completely.
4. We pursue relationship and love. In the deepest sense, we are chasing "I totally met you". I fell in love with you completely, and finally found out that you are you and I am me.
1. The rule in the social field with working relationship as the core is power, and the purpose is to compete for who has the final say; The rule of the intimate relationship-centered private sphere is to cherish, that is, I respect your authenticity. If we mainly use the treasure rules in the social field and the power rules in the private field, it is easy to make a mess of life.
2, the power rules:
In fact, it is my relationship with it, trying to establish a space where I have the final say.
You can use the law of power to protect yourself and your loved ones, or you can build a career.
3. Cherish the rules:
Actually, it's just me and you.
Let alone control you, I can't even bear to use all my knowledge and skills on you. I just want my heart to meet your truth.
Only by cherishing the rules can we build love and touch the truth.
4. Childbearing and rearing are rights. Whoever a child kisses and recognizes means that his strength will increase. If someone is jealous of his mother's power and wants to fight for it, it will lead to a serious family power war.
Relationship therapy: Counseling relationship is the most important factor in therapy, not technology. My relationship with it is built by technology, and my relationship with you is built by heart.
Three principles of constructing consulting relationship:
Sincerity: what you say = what you think (consciously) = what you experience (subconsciously)
* * * Feelings: Deeply understand and accept each other's feelings.
Unconditional positive attention: I recognize you, encourage you and accept you unconditionally.
A person must believe in his own "body evaluation process", that is, when making a choice, he should listen to your body, that is, the sum of body and mind.
Conditional attention, only what the outside world thinks is "good" can be revealed, otherwise it will be rejected, rejected or even hurt.
Criteria to measure whether a relationship is nourishing or consuming: the proportion of unconditional positive attention, the proportion of "you and me". In a relationship, it is best to be yourself and love others.
People with strong interpersonal skills are too self-limiting and talk too much because they are too considerate of others. When they please others, they lose their subjectivity and their creativity is damaged.
People who insist on being the subject and being themselves in interpersonal relationships will appear to have low emotional intelligence, but they have been being themselves and have contact with the ID, so they have always maintained their creativity.
Heresy needs to find a relationship. The so-called normal people need to cross relationships and demand their own feelings, and can't get lost in the fog of interpersonal relationships.
Building a relationship between me and you is a process that takes time. For example, in a love relationship, love at first sight is not a relationship between you and me, but it takes time to test and refine, so that two people can trust each other and open their hearts to each other.
Fate depends on the quality of interpersonal relationships.
Imagine: I gave the road to my teacher, and I established a relationship of "I am lower than him", so he showed contempt for those who showed respect. If you were his student and wanted to change this relationship, what would you do?
1, projection and recognition
Projection: Project the internal relational schema to the current relational schema. Sometimes, what others feel is what I project to him.
If I agree: the feelings between me and him are already in his heart.
You can also disagree: for example, if someone says you are lazy, you should see that he is actually accusing himself. You won't be angry.
2, the third eye
When you get along with anyone, you should not only know what he is expressing, but more importantly, what kind of model he wants to establish.
3, power rules and cherish rules
The law of power is that we can achieve my own goals together and also achieve my goals.
As an intruder, the average person's reaction is: fight, freeze and run.
If the other party plays power relations, it must go back, so that the other party will restrain and respect you, otherwise it will intensify.
People who use the rules of power are also teaching those who cherish the rules: don't be nice to me, you should be strong. Because of your tolerance, tell him that he can do this to you.
When you see a, it means you see-a.
This is inseparable from the openness of thought, the transformation of self, the improvement of the ability to deal with relationships, and the highly philosophical understanding of human nature.
1, the world is the opposite.
Everyone has "good me" and "bad me". When you see a, you also see-a.
When a person presents only one side, he must go deep into his heart to see his-A.
2. A person's obsession with "being good to himself" is to habitually establish relationships with others in this way.
The opposite of "good me" will not only be regarded as "bad me", but also be avoided as far as possible, for fear that its presentation will destroy the relationship and others will not like themselves.
The part that is seriously afraid to present is suppressed to the depths of the subconscious and becomes an untouchable part.
3. When a person's consciousness is completely out of touch with a part of himself, this person will be dominated by the subconscious to approach a person who obviously has this characteristic, thus touching this part of his heart.
Look at the problem from the perspective of relationship: the problem happened not only to you, but also to me, but to you and me.
2. The binary opposition between consciousness and subconscious.
The more we hold the dualistic "good or bad view", it means that the more our hearts and human nature are divided, which will lead to this situation: the subconscious mind is always attracted to -A, or -A appears in a destructive way.
1, a and -A coexist, but -A is always hidden in the depths of the subconscious and difficult to be detected.
The more extroverted people are, the more introverted they are: a very extroverted person may never show his heart; A very introverted person may easily reveal his heart to others.
The happier, the sadder: Behind the mask of happiness and optimism, there may be a sense of worthlessness, deformity and despair.
The better, the more "scary": kind and patient, but negative, passive and closed.
2. If a person can't see his -A at all, then he will find someone who obviously shows the characteristics of -A, thus establishing a connection with the quality of-A. ..
Couples come together because of differences, and they suffer because of differences. The solution to this pain is the integration of the two.
Love, even the greater motivation of life, is to pursue the perfection of human nature, so there will be all kinds of painful choices, and pain will eventually integrate different parts of human nature and eventually become complete.
Tell yourself that I am either a or a. ..
Find 10 adjectives and describe yourself:
Introversion (extroversion), loneliness (gregarious), gentleness (rage), stubbornness (randomness), alienation (clingy), independence (dependence), fear (courage), sensitivity (insensitivity), forbearance (willfulness) and caution (grandness).
1, modesty and pride
Humility is not nature, pride and narcissism are nature. If pride and narcissism are considered bad and narcissism is full of bones, then they can't be expressed publicly, and there will be feelings of fear, guilt and furtiveness. Mixing them together is a wretched feeling.
2. Narcissism, sexual desire and aggression
Narcissism, sexual desire and aggression are the three driving forces of human beings. These bad things that are trying to be eliminated may be the most precious vitality.
The farther away from narcissism, sexual desire and aggression, the less angry you are.
When narcissism, sexual desire and aggression are regarded as "bad", we can't stretch ourselves and hurt others and society in various ways. No matter how depressed they are, they still have to express stretching.
3. Be strong and hug deeply.
To experience depression without resistance, there is a major premise: self is a solid container with high self-stability and self-organization, which can withstand the flow of dark emotions of depression.
If self-stability and self-organization are poor, you need to find someone else to accompany you. The relationship that others establish with you is an external container.
1, Erickson School Hypnotherapy
① Find the so-called "bad" behavior, ② directly find the motivation behind the behavior, and ③ regard it as "good". When we accept this motivation from the bottom of our hearts, we can find a better expression.
2. Passive attack:
You can't express your anger in a proactive way, so you use a passive way, that is, you don't cooperate.
For example, being late, procrastinating, and making inexplicable mistakes make you upset in such a euphemistic, indirect and inconspicuous way.
This is because you regard aggression as a bad thing and can only express it in a secret way.
When you think that anger and aggression are good motives and express aggression in a proactive way, it will be obviously improved.
1, we will understand each other because of the similar tacit understanding, but it is difficult to walk together, and it is easier to be attracted by the opposite characteristics.
2, love is the most emotional, listen to the heart and feelings, devote yourself to love, get hurt, and then look at yourself completely.
3. Consciousness is what "I" is willing to accept, which I think is right, good and decent; The subconscious is something I don't want to accept. I think it's wrong, bad and dare not present it. The two are necessarily opposites. When you want to do something from the heart and want to be yourself, the two are unified and there is no subconscious.
For ugliness, you can experience and perceive it in your imagination, but you should choose beauty and goodness in your behavior instead of hurting it.
5、gt； Everyone knows that beauty is beauty, and evil has been done; As we all know, goodness is good, but it is not good. -Tao Te Ching
6. Educate children to keep some bottom lines, give them some space to try to understand personality and humanity, and finally form themselves.
7. Experience the extreme, and at the same time have a great mind, that is, self, to tolerate both, love and hate, and experience the richness and complexity of human nature and the world. This is life. Wu Zhihong
Inner and outer relations are mirrors of each other.
What kind of heart you have, what kind of relationship you will establish; What kind of relationship you have established can reflect your mind.
Question: Don't modify the picture that comes to mind at the first time.
Imagine you went to heaven, and the angel told you that you can choose your favorite environment to live in according to your own wishes. So, what kind of environment do you want?
1, everyone needs relationships, because in relationships, we can expand, understand and temper our hearts. Only humanized interpersonal communication can make a person experience that he is a person.
2. The reaction is light. The place where there is no response is despair.
The baby lives in primitive unity, and he feels that he and the world are one. This primitive mentality is chaotic, fragile and undifferentiated. It needs to interact with caregivers and gradually develop a clear, tenacious and complex mind.
If there is only material satisfaction without emotional interaction, then the quality of this relationship is nothing to praise.
1, unary relationship (0-0.5 years old):
A person only sees his own will and feels his own feelings. He wants others to cooperate with his will, and only he has the final say in the relationship.
Core rule: "exploitation", feeling that you have nothing, thinking that since the world is the best, what is yours is mine, and you can use it at will. Emphasize that the other party is loyal to himself and does whatever he wants.
People who are used to exploitation also live in a monistic relationship, which is the "Notre Dame Complex".
2, binary relationship (0.5-6 years old):
When a person realizes that another person is as independent as himself and has his own feelings and will, he can care about each other's feelings and respect each other's will.
Realizing that you and your mother are two people is the beginning of separation, including physical and psychological separation.
The child will internalize his mother, who has always given him good care, into his heart and become a stable inner object, called "there is a loving person living in his heart."
Core rule: "control", whoever cares about my business, both of them will be loyal to each other, but at the same time, I feel that this loyalty seems to have sacrificed a lot.
Before the age of 3, children mainly focus on repairing the binary relationship with their mothers, and finally realize "love in their hearts" and form their own personality. With both, children have basic energy and can play games in the ternary relationship with their fathers.
3, ternary relationship (3-6 years old):
A person is aware of the complexity of the relationship, can see the feelings and will of me, you and him at the same time, and respect the competition and cooperation in this complex ternary relationship.
Core: Competition and cooperation, beginning to understand the complexity of relationships and inner feelings, the sense of loyalty disappearing, finding that everyone has good and bad, possessiveness and jealousy, and beginning to understand that there is hate in love and love in hate. No matter how much one loves himself, this love is not exclusive, but shared.
Ternary relationship is the source of all complex relationships.
1, from monism to dualism:
The binary world is based on the fact that there are two "good" things in the world.
Conditions: Some people don't listen to your wishes and let you know directly that others also have independent will.
Besides you, others not only have independent will, but also are kind and kind, which is the fundamental reason why a person can constantly evolve in the relationship.
2. Relationships are used to deal with inner "bad".
Binary relationship is very challenging and tense, so it is difficult to tolerate each other's "bad". To do this, you need a very strong relationship. For children, it is necessary to construct a ternary relationship to project this "bad" and resolve it.
If we continue to digest and deal with the bad things in the ternary world, one's mind will become more and more refined, and then it can be attributed to the binary relationship and finally to the unitary world.
A father should take his children by the hand and go to the outside world. First of all, he should convey goodwill to his children, prove to them that he is good, and then let them know that he has an independent will.
1, what do you think of sow discord?
People need a third party, so the problem is no longer direct expression between two people to ease the tension of binary relationship.
To sow discord may be to try to project the "bad" and "good" that can't be handled in the binary relationship into the ternary relationship, and then digest the "bad" and "good" with the complex ternary relationship.
For example, my dissatisfaction with you is like a sword stabbing you, but you can't dodge it unless you can catch it. Your question is, how can you give me my sword back, or use your superb love ability to resolve it and then give me a good thing.
For example, if I pass on my kindness and love to you directly, you may be melted, that is, your self will disappear, but what if you are not ready to disappear and then the two become one?
2. Capmann triangulation
Dealing with the problem of binary relationship, forcing the third party to judge and take sides, is called "triangulation"
Persecutor: belittle others and plunder others;
Savior: look down on others, but help others;
Victims: look down on themselves and seek persecution or help.
Think of simple people and enter complexity. If you can't return to simplicity, complexity will not refine you, but engulf you.
1, everything is empty.
Everything is a mirror image of each other and an illusion. What you think of as "yourself" is actually what others think of you.
2. Everything is true
A person's heart can only develop with the help of external relations, that is, the sight of others, so self and relationship are so real.