Other mothers will write to me and say, "am I too grumpy?" Every time I see a child being naughty and making mistakes, I can't help criticizing and scolding, and even hitting the child. If he doesn't make mistakes, I will definitely not beat him. "
Another mother sent a confused message saying, "My child is two and a half years old. Every time I see something I like, I have to buy it. If I don't buy it, I will sit on the ground and cry. I love my children very much. Should I meet all the needs of my children? "
Judging from the practice of the first two mothers, I think they subconsciously conveyed an idea to their children, that is: I love you conditionally, you are good, and we will love you only if you ask for it according to the standards of mom and dad, otherwise we will not love you, and you must be punished accordingly.
The third mother confused loving children with meeting all their needs. You should know that unconditional love and unconditional parenting for children do not mean doting, because doting is not love.
Today, I recommend an article by China, the director of P.E.T, explaining the concept of unconditional parenting, hoping that mothers can think and gain everything.
What is unconditional parenting?
Perhaps everyone is eager for unconditional love and unconditional acceptance, so since the topic of unconditional parenting appeared, everyone seems to be attracted by some beautiful beliefs and have joined the team that advocates unconditional parenting.
But what is unconditional parenting?
When it comes to unconditional parenting, it's hard not to mention love or unconditional love, but from ancient times to now, what love is is always difficult to understand in words.
Language is pale, even powerless, and many times what language expresses is far from the real experience.
Regarding unconditional parenting, Grandma Katie said, "That means that he (the child) owes you nothing, and you don't owe him anything. You know you're doing this purely for yourself.
Cultivate your children with this awareness, fully know where you will be, because you want to be there, and lead by example to raise them and teach them.
You do this only because you love them, and because you do this, you will like yourself. That has nothing to do with them.
Although it is a personal act, it is unconditional love, and it is the true meaning worth repeating. "
Although grandma Katie said that parenting has nothing to do with children and is a "one-on-one" behavior, it may still be abstract to some of us. It is not easy to make it clear, but it will be more confusing if you don't explain it well.
However, it is hard to say what love is, so let's talk about what is right and wrong.
It may not be easy to talk about unconditional love and unconditional parenting, but it is possible to try to talk about unconditional parenting.
So, let's start here. If we don't know what it is, let's start with nothing.
Unconditional parenting, no strings attached.
Cohen, the author of Unconditional Parenting, said that parents don't need to give their children any love in return. Just a gift that all children should get.
The so-called unconditional parenting, in my opinion, is the parenting behavior derived from this unconditional love.
Simply put, you didn't raise a child with a certain purpose.
Many, many years ago, I watched a TV series, Heaven, starring Wang. There is a scene in the play in which Wang and his mother have an argument, and the mother talks about raising children to prevent old age.
In Wang's response to his mother's words, there is one sentence: If you raise children to prevent old age, then don't say how great maternal love is. Whether you raise them or not is an exchange. Don't talk about inequality.
At that time, such a sentence hit me like a sap and hit my heart defenseless.
I have lived for more than 30 years, and I feel for the first time, yes, if we raise children with conditions and purposes, isn't that a deal? Where does this goodwill come from?
Sometimes, I think nature is better than human beings in unconditional parenting. They are really practicing unconditional parenting. Before the baby penguin grows up, the father penguin and the mother penguin almost do their best. However, once penguins grow up, the differences move.
Adult penguins jump into the sea and swim to the vast sea. It will be hard to see each other again in this life.
Their upbringing has no conditions and no regrets, but the succession from generation to generation conforms to the laws of heaven and earth.
According to the research of human psychological evolution theory, parents should raise their children, and children don't have to repay their parents, because the best way for children to repay their parents is to live well, raise their children well, and pass on their blood from generation to generation is the best reward.
Therefore, unconditional parenting, no purpose, raising children, do not think about what he will do for you one day.
Unconditional parenting is not control.
No control, no control, is respect, respect for the original appearance of the child, respect for the uniqueness of the child.
If children are compared to growing trees, then if parents prune, cut leaves and even design the direction of growth according to their own wishes, yes, you may raise beautiful bonsai in this way, but each bonsai is explaining what is distorted or unnatural.
If we have enough respect and are willing to let go of authoritative parenting methods, such as I am older than you and know better than you, we dare not take care of small trees, and we will water and fertilize them. As for how to grow up.
We are willing to believe that in a safe parenting environment, spring comes spontaneously, and children naturally have the inner growth motivation to be good and will grow into themselves.
Unconditional parenting means that we are willing to respect children's sensory needs, what to eat, what to wear, what to listen to and what to smell, and we will try our best to help children develop their self-management ability.
Unconditional parenting means that we are willing to respect children's thoughts, including ideas, consciousness, thoughts and even beliefs. Allow children to experience and explore his inner world and learn to get along with themselves and the world.
Unconditional parenting means that we are willing to respect the child's decision, the child has the right to make choices for his life, and which part of the outside world he is more interested in. In this process, letting go of parents is the best way for children to learn to be responsible for themselves.
It is better to accept children than to control their growth.
Parenting unconditionally, without presupposition.
Being a parent is also a process of constantly seeing and facing yourself. With a little awareness, we will see that we are often raising children with presuppositions, or expectations, and these expectations and presuppositions are often the projection of parents' inner lack.
I don't have a beautiful skirt to wear, so I hope to dress my child up as a princess; I didn't learn piano at that time, and I hope my child can become Lang Lang.
I couldn't eat delicious food before, and I wanted to take my children to taste delicious food all over.
Without a good school, I desperately want my children to go to a prestigious school;
I used to be poor and tried my best to make my children earn more money.
If we don't realize these projections from ourselves, we will pull our children into our world called loss or fear, hoping that the children will live the part I once wanted, so that my heart can be compensated to a certain extent.
This part is unfair to children, who need to live a high life in their own world.
In our dimension, life is a continuous journey, children belong to tomorrow's world, and our world is destined to become the past.
Ji Bolun said, you can try your best to be like them, but don't let them be like you, because life will not go backwards or stay in the past.
Does unconditional parenting also mean unconditional acceptance of children?
Many people even confuse unconditional love with doting, which is not love.
Unconditional parenting is not indulgence and doting on children, so it is not unconditional acceptance of all children's behaviors.
We don't control children's behavior, but it doesn't mean we have to compromise and sacrifice parents' needs.
Therefore, from the behavioral level, unconditional parenting does not mean accepting all the behaviors of children; From the emotional level, there is no right or wrong emotion, and parents should accept their children's emotions as much as possible; Consciously, no matter what children do or don't do, we always accept them.
For example, if you want to have a rest, your child is playing music loudly. In this case, you can talk to your child about your needs and see how to meet both sides at the same time. Suppose the child is emotional because of your proposal, we understand the child's frustration and don't make any judgment; At the same time, at the level of consciousness, we know that accepting the child's current behavior does not hinder our love for the child.
Unconditional love is more about the attitude you want to hold in your heart than presenting a false self outside. Being a real parent is a practice of unconditional love.
Over the years, although I have been practicing unconditional parenting, I have made some achievements and gained some insights. But I want to share it honestly. Many times, I can't do it. Many times, I can't help but manipulate my children and expect something from them. I found that it was not my children that embarrassed me all the time, but my internal habits.
Cohen said: it's difficult, but it's worth our all-out effort. Give, but don't expect anything in return At least, you can try to practice from children and let others practice. After all, you are free!
Maybe then we can understand what Krishnamurti said. When all this stops, love will appear, and then you will know what love is.
WeChat official account Juanzi mother tells stories.