Many people have asked me, Sister Nuo, that my family is not happy. I feel that I have no self-confidence and no one loves me. Seeing others grow up in a happy family, the better, I envy them. How can I change it?
From the questioner, I felt a deep regret for the past. Sometimes it is a pity that there is no gentle and loving mother; Sometimes it is a pity that there is no dignified and upright father; Sometimes it's a pity not to have a free childhood and a peaceful and stable family. When this regret comes to us, the first thing we have to ask is why. Why me? To bear all this. Why can't I have a complete life?
When people encounter bad luck, they will go through five psychological stages: denial-anger-bargaining-frustration-acceptance. People who ask these questions are often in anger and depression. The first step we are going to talk about here is acceptance.
Acceptance means admitting the loss, acknowledging that one's past regrets are irreparable, and means that one will no longer seek and make up for past regrets in any way.
Many people say that they have accepted the past, but their actions still show that they are still trying to make up for it subconsciously. The most direct manifestation is to find the missing half of my parents as my other half.
Accepting the past loss means that we no longer expect anyone or anything to change it. There will never be a better father or mother to help us go the way we used to, and there will never be a chance to return to that unconditional love. We grow up day by day and become caring and caring roles.
Those regrets about the past, no matter how deep, no matter how hard we work, are engraved in our lives forever with the passage of time. However, our eyes are forward and our feet are forward, because people are forward-looking, and forward-looking animals indulge in the pain lost in the past, which is not conducive to our new life.
-02- I understand that your obsession has made you lose your way.
Cederhill? Mullainathan once wrote about this problem in Scarcity. He found that the more a person lacks something, the more he yearns for it, which in turn will aggravate this lack, at least to maintain it.
Cederhill has done many experiments to study the behavior mechanism of the poor. In his experiment, every poor man carefully scrimped and saved, trying to get rid of the economic difficulties. However, they are still getting poorer and poorer, and they can only struggle to maintain the original food and clothing line. There are fewer and fewer people who lack certain resources, while those who already have them are getting richer. Why?
Cederhill gave his own answer in his book, that is, poverty and want will narrow people's horizons, so that they can't see anything except what you lack. If people only run for money or love all their lives, it will aggravate poverty and the lack of love.
When people lack one aspect, they often only pay attention to the gains and losses in this aspect, ignoring the trade-offs in other aspects and losing the overall grasp of things. And this imbalance in judgment will often cause unexpected losses, so that we can't get what we want.
Looking back at the lack of love caused by birth, we will find that the two have surprisingly similar cores. Due to the misfortune of being born in a family, he was born deficient and lacked love in his heart. Because of the extreme desire for love, it is easy to be out of balance. In order to win the favor of others, we cater to others, sacrifice ourselves, give up our due development opportunities in other aspects, and satisfy others.
If you are full of self-affirmation and like yourself, people will cherish their own values and dare to fight for their rights and interests. He will behave like a principled and dignified person and be respected and affirmed by people around him. On the other hand, a person lacks family of origin's care and protection, habitually hates himself and denies everything he has done. When others have conflicts with themselves, he can't help thinking "What others think should be based on mine" and "Who am I? What do I know? " In the end, he lost his due position and the love and value of others.
-03- Love yourself in all directions is the best way to achieve yourself.
The more lacking, the more concerned; The more you care, the more you fight for it; The more you fight, the more you lose. The contradiction seems to have become a deadlock. However, Cederhill gave an antidote to this, that is: let go of his poor mentality, broaden his horizons, stop focusing on past gains and losses, and focus on other important things to make himself develop in a balanced way.
People who come from families and lack love often subconsciously think that only love is the only happiness in life. They don't feel strongly when they are doing other things. Only when others express their goodwill and love, do you brush the floor! The sky is bright. This high-light moment comes from short-sightedness that only pays attention to one aspect, making people unable to see other pleasures in life and draw energy from them.
It's like a person who always looks at the world through a telescope and sees only a distant and narrow landscape that has nothing to do with himself. Only when that little flower is in full bloom will he feel happy. And around, at his feet, everything grows, but he can't see it.
Let go of the "poor" mentality and turn your attention to the outside world, that is to say, we should start to incorporate other important aspects into our efforts besides the love of others. On the one hand, it can make our development more comprehensive and our achievements richer, on the other hand, it can greatly increase the possibility that we love ourselves and others love you.
Mastering a professional skill, winning an industry honor, cultivating a hobby that pleases the body and mind, starting an interesting sport, and even keeping a pet can all make your sources of happiness more diversified and comprehensive. Their essence is to shape yourself and improve all aspects of your life (occupation, health, interests, expertise, etc.). ), and let you improve your identity in a down-to-earth manner in the process, rather than through the evaluation of others.
The best way to make up for the lack of love in the past is to ignite the passion for love in your heart. Just like sitting alone for a long time on a cold night. The best way to drive away the cold is to raise a flame in situ, instead of praying and waiting for the passing good people to give it to him.