Editor, clumsy old wolf
Editor's note: The writer is a single mother. The boy at home 17 years old. He was promoted only this year. After his parents divorced, he lived with his mother. He dropped out of the second grade because he was seriously tired of learning, and then reread the second grade.
Since the first year of high school started in September, children's weariness of learning has been repeated frequently, and they are unwilling to take the initiative to adapt to the pressure brought by the new school. They often ask for leave, and their homework can't be finished on time. They often hide at home and play with their mobile phones.
My mother began to study all kinds of family education articles and smart parents' courses several years ago. She firmly believes that "parents should unconditionally accept children and help children who are tired of learning", but what should be done specifically? What should I do? I have never been able to understand the methods and essentials, and my mother often worries about it.
After learning from the coach, the mother kept trying to solve the problem of children's weariness of learning with curious dialogue. Only after communication was blocked many times did she understand that to accept children, we must first accept ourselves, and to accept ourselves, we must examine ourselves and repent of the past!
10161:45pm to1kloc-0/7am, nearly 8 hours from midnight to early morning, most people spent their time in sleep, as I did in the past, but at this time I spent my whole life.
I took the initiative to find a coach, ask for help, and began to wake up. After repeatedly confirming that my physical condition is acceptable, the coach invited Xiuzhen as a supporter and Zhijuan as an observer. We started this painful and happy "true repentance journey" in the online WeChat group.
At the beginning, the coach asked me to talk about my current situation and the confusion I encountered, so I said my carefully prepared opening remarks again.
My opening remarks: I have realized the pain and discomfort of my body and my emotions-anxiety, worry and fear. But when I think back to the moments when I lost my loved ones in my life for more than 40 years-my grandfather died in junior high school, my grandmother died in college, and my mother died three years ago, I find that I have never felt the pain of heartbreaking, and I don't even think losing my loved ones is painful. I don't know what happened to me.
I paused and continued the last part of my opening remarks: I want to let me see myself tonight and feel the heartbreaking pain! When I finished writing this, there was no response from the group for a long time.
The coach asked me to talk about my family's comments on me (mom and dad and two sisters). Hearing this, my heart thumped. I found that I didn't know what my family thought of me, and I couldn't say anything.
In order to avoid this embarrassment and answer this question better, I racked my brains and tried to search my mind for past memories. It was nearly ten minutes before I explained it like a thesis defense:
When I was a child, even when I grew up, my father would say that I was stupid when I was a child and not as smart as my second sister. I have never affirmed my efforts and efforts to get the first place in the school when I was in junior high school.
Sister is very beautiful. Northeast girls' big eyes are very nice. My sister grew up in grandma's parents, about the same age as my brother. Grandparents spoil her very much, so my sister has always been overbearing. When she was a child, she slapped me in front of her classmates because she lost the game.
The second sister is also very beautiful, with white skin and round face, and has the agility of a Jiangnan girl. Second sister is very popular with her father and grandmother.
After saying these words, I suddenly realized that my heart was empty and I had no confidence. Suddenly, the coach asked, "Thank you for your honesty, so what did you find from what you just said?"
Think carefully about what I said. It turns out that all my comments are about my family. These comments are all negative comments set by my standards. I don't seem to remember the good side of my family or some warm occasions.
I remember my coach often called me "Little Kiki". At first, I was a little proud. I like being called "Kiki" very much. This feeling is very kind and warm. Now I find out that deep down I want to be a spoiled child. It seems that although I am over 40 years old, I am a child who refuses to grow up at heart. I suddenly felt ashamed of having liked this name.
Coach asked me to talk about my mother again. I said: Because I am the third child, the first two are girls, and my parents also expect the third child to be a boy, so they have been calling me "Laoer" since I was born. When I was a child, I resisted the name "Laoer", but I never explicitly mentioned it to my mother.
In fact, when my mother was a child, she always took me everywhere, almost everywhere, but wherever I went, all I heard was the beautiful praise of my older sister and the envy of my second sister.
I added: My mother is actually very kind to me. Once I had a sarcoma on my ankle and had a minor operation. My mother took me home from the hospital after the operation. My mother took me to the vegetable market during the summer vacation of my freshman year. Seeing that I really wanted to eat fish, I spent 10 to buy fish to go home. At that time 10 yuan was a lot of money for my family.
I seem to know in my mind that my mother was very kind to me, but when my mother died three years ago, I didn't feel any pain at all!
For about three and a half hours, I kept repeating myself. My insincere and contradictory words make everyone think that I am hypocritical, indifferent and selfish at the moment. Hearing these comments, I suddenly went crazy and kept arguing. Finally, I lost my temper and shouted, "I said what I thought. What else do you want?"
Everyone's feelings, including the coach, are still pointing to what I just said, just what I think and allow. I've been covering it up! I suddenly lost my mind. After taking a few deep breaths, I calmly thought for a moment, as if it were true. I can't help asking myself, "Kiki, what's wrong with me?"
Now the coach asks again, "Do you really want to help children change and grow through themselves at this moment?" Sounds like you're still trying to hide it. All kinds of family education knowledge that you think you are studying hard are so pale and powerless in the eyes of today's children, which will only make children form such cognition again and again-mother is always hypocritical and mother always wants to frame me. It seems that mom still doesn't trust me! "
I felt depressed immediately after listening to it. The coach asked, "In the narrative of your relationship with your mother, I heard more about your complaints and dislikes about your mother. What happened? Now let you forget. You might as well tell the truth, we really can't help you! "
This question is really soul torture, and I was shocked at once. How could I not like my mother? I hesitated for a long time before I was willing to express an unforgettable dislike for my mother.
When I was a child, my mother was a dormitory administrator in a middle school. She always takes me back to work. Sometimes when I am sleepy at night, my mother lets me sleep with my legs on the pillow. When I lie on my mother's lap, I will smell an unpleasant smell of drugs. Although I was only a few years old at that time, I clearly knew that those drugs were rubbed by my mother in her private parts.
All along, I think that although my mother often takes me out, I hate my mother at heart. I don't seem to love my mother that much. I have never mentioned these things to anyone, but they have left a deep imprint on my heart, and now I am ashamed to think of them! Besides, let me say it.
When I told this story, my whole body trembled and my voice trembled slightly. When I finished speaking intermittently, I suddenly felt as if a heavy stone had been lifted from my chest, and I couldn't help crying gently. ...
It's been three years since my mother died, and I just feel so miserable. After crying softly for a while, the coach said to me, "Kiki, please allow yourself to say-mom, I love you!" Let yourself and your mother make up at this moment! "
I was silent for about a minute, and I really felt that I couldn't say it.
The coach went on to say, "Kiki, you always want your son to see how hard you have been a mother for more than ten years, but don't forget how hard your mother raised you?"
This sentence is like a flash of lightning, which directly separates my reluctance and hesitation! Suddenly I burst into tears, as if tears had been accumulated for many years!
At the moment, the childhood images I can't remember are like the flood that opened the floodgate: my mother tried to let our three sisters eat what she liked under such difficult economic conditions at home;
My three sisters and I stayed in high school for three years. My mother hardly buys fresh vegetables at home. It's getting dark. Go and buy some tattered vegetables and fallen leaves to make a living.
The meat and fish sent by my father's unit on holidays are always carefully preserved and put away, but I can't bear to eat them myself, just to take them back to school for a month.
Although the family conditions were difficult when I was a child, my mother cooked delicious dishes, even pickled pickles, and she tried her best to enrich the food at home.
Mother planted several kinds of fruit trees in the small yard at home, and our three sisters can eat fresh fruits all year round.
I selectively forgot all these warm memories. I just dislike my mother, because I am embarrassed to say it, because her gynecology hurts when she gave birth to me!
I suddenly found my true self: I have always been an ungrateful, indifferent, self-righteous and hypocritical woman! The ex-husband is right, and so is the coach! I cried to the sky again and again with tears in my eyes: "Mom, I love you!" " ! I really love you! I miss you so much now! "
When I shouted out the words "Mom, I love you", I seemed to be in a hypnotic state. At that time, I couldn't hear what the coach said, what Xiuzhen said, and what Zhijuan said. I am dreaming. I held a pillow and talked to myself like a dream. ...
I seem to see my mother's bright smile when she was young. How beautiful she smiles! Mom also came all the way from a beautiful girl!
At the same time, I also saw that I was young and ignorant and looked at my mother and smiled happily. When I was a teenager, I was not the black and thin girl I remembered. Although I am dark, how healthy I am!
At that moment, I felt as if I had taken off my hard shell for more than ten years and my whole body was very transparent. There is a warm current in my heart, and my feet are as real and practical as the first time I stepped on the ground, like lying in my mother's warm arms for the first time, feeling my mother's temperature and feeling that kind of selfless maternal love!
I finally began to truly repent and review myself: over the years, I have forgotten that I am the daughter of my parents and that I am a woman. How can I really accept my mother's identity?
A woman who refuses to say that she loves her mother or forgives her mother cannot understand the tolerance and compassion behind the word mother. I used to think that accepting children unconditionally was hollow and hypocritical. I used to think that it was selfless love for children! I was wrong! What a mistake!
I want to rearrange my heart: my anxiety, my worry, my fear. In fact, these are all excuses for me to be irresponsible and escape from my children, so that others, including myself, are embarrassed to blame again!
I finally understand that the real acceptance after inner softness is not aimed at children, but at myself! True acceptance is no longer soft-hearted, flattering, accommodating, compromising, being cautious, and having no rules at home, but having firm boundaries, tolerance and compassion within their own boundaries!
Finally, after the true confession of this sleepless night, my own life has entered a brand-new journey of truth, love and dedication!
Qiqi is a post-70 s mother. Like most other post-70 s parents, she is very serious and works hard to be a good mother, but she unconsciously falls into the misunderstanding of family education:
Parents' words and deeds about their children's education are actually unconscious reactions. No matter what they say or do in front of their children, they think they are really good for them, but they are actually controlled by the judgment standards dominated by the inherent consciousness in their minds.
Our post-70 s parents often ignore the integration of self-mind. Spiritual consciousness often has nothing to do with inner emotions and physical feelings. We live a down-to-earth life every day, but never being true is a true portrayal of the post-70 s generation. In a word, it is: don't say anything when you die, and don't admit it when you die!
But we get along with rebellious children in this state of life, which often doesn't help children at all, especially for children who are tired of learning, but it is counterproductive!
Qiqi wants to be a serious, responsible and caring mother in her own mind, but she is out of touch with her inner self and has never really been close to herself and understood herself. When her persuasion, tolerance and compromise to her son have no effect, she is actually very disappointed, angry and sad inside, but she can't admit this part.
Once she admits this part, she may fall into a more helpless and self-critical state, so her thinking bypasses her feelings and her true self, so she naturally responds with the law of survival: super-rationality-I will unconditionally accept my children to help my son who is tired of learning!
Her inner voice became: I really don't want to get along with my son like this! Accepting flattery, compromise and tolerance unconditionally makes me collapse, and I feel terrible!
Her reason said: I will try my best to learn the acceptance or communication skills suitable for my son, and I will stick to it! I must help my children get rid of their weariness of learning completely and take the initiative to return to school!
Her hidden inner drama: I just can't let my son listen to me, and I can't tell him the rules now. I am an incompetent mother and an unsuccessful mother. I don't accept these.
But what about her real voice? The voice that is covered up, the voice that cannot be recognized and perceived, is closest to my own voice: I will work hard and help my son return to school by myself. I want my son's respect, but I'm worried that I can't do it or I don't know what to do. What should I do now?
The parents who study with me now are all families with high education, high position and high income. They look beautiful, but they often live in hypocrisy, even if they are killed, they don't admit it. It is because of my little guidance that they stripped off their outer armor and lived their true selves!
In fact, the change of parents' concept is for his inner self-growth. Only when parents' inner self and inner emotions can be truly presented can they help their children!
But what I see is that the so-called unconditional acceptance of children in the minds of many parents will only make parents live more hypocritical, because no normal person in this world can do it, which will often make adults start to fear and please rebellious children. In the long run, it will only make the family order slowly chaotic!
After the family order is chaotic, that is, the old saying goes: all ages are chaotic, then children in this family atmosphere will only become more and more insecure and belong!
True acceptance actually means accepting the inner self first. If you find that you don't have so much anxiety, worry and fear, it is possible to shift your attention outward and try to accept the status quo of your child!
So when it comes to real acceptance, many parents and I often remind "no position, no end!" " Parents can only accept themselves after repentance and reflection, and only by living out their roots can they help themselves and their children who are tired of learning!
The only way to solve the problem of children's weariness of learning is that parents must be brave and true to themselves and see the truth behind their children's problems (feelings are the truth, what do you think of all this? ), frankly admit and correct mistakes, create a harmonious parent-child relationship and a warm family atmosphere, and grow up with children from the spiritual level!