Seek answers. Come on, master. Love counseling

Since the implementation of marriage autonomy and free love in China, people feel that a happy marriage is in their own hands. It is true that independent marriage has made more people enjoy happiness. However, a data from the civil affairs department shows that the number of post-80s divorces is on the rise, and some people divorce in just a few months or even weeks. More people don't understand: "It's all free love. How did this happen? " I think there is a reason for this. Nowadays, the post-90s young friends are about to enter a new peak of marriage. In order to let more people understand the truth of marriage and independent marriage, and to let more people enjoy a happy marriage and a happy life, I made a complicated sharing with my dear friends, which is my experience and understanding in recent years, hoping to help unmarried friends and friends who are ambivalent after marriage. In the cases I have consulted, people who ask for help after getting married or living together for a period of time often say, "I regret it now and choose him now", "I didn't expect him (her) to be like this", "Teacher Zhang, how do you think he (she) is like this", "He (she) is a liar" and "I regret not listening to my parents". He (she) should do this to me. I'm sad and miserable. I am ambivalent. What should a divorced child do? After marriage, he or she seems to be a different group. He (she) has changed, and there is someone in his (her) heart. I still love him (her), but he (she) doesn't. "In order to be with him (her), I have paid more." "What should I do?" "I don't want to be laughed at by others, but I don't want to live like this." "I hate him (her)" "I'm finally with him (her), and I don't want that-"and so on. I roughly summed it up, 20. Let's take a look at some things we often say before marriage and in love: "I like you", "I love you", "I miss you", "I want to be with you and never leave", "I understand you more and more, for example, your favorite color is-,and you hate it the most. I will make you happy. Being with you is my greatest happiness, and the world is wonderful because of you. I will love you all my life, no matter what you become. " I will tolerate all of you because I love you. ""honey, will we never be apart? No matter what happens, believe me, I will love you all my life. No matter what happens, we will be together until the end of time. I will protect our future children and your family as much as I love you. I once found that I can't live without you, no matter what you become. We have been together for a long time and have a deep understanding of each other. Let's get married. I am silent and happy with you. "I love you, including your strengths and weaknesses." "In short, I will love you and love you all my life." I also quoted about 20 sentences. From these words, it is not easy to see their two different moods and attitudes before and after marriage. So, why is this happening? I think the most important thing is that you didn't know yourself and each other's temperament unilaterally before marriage, and you didn't understand the purpose of love. Even some people haven't figured out the real purpose of love for more years after marriage. More people fall in love just for love, blindly following their feelings. Of course, men and women in love must have feelings, love each other, and find people they like and love. Because this is the premise of free love. However, if we only pay attention to feelings and eyes, so as to enter the door of marriage, a few people will either be miserable or end up breaking up after marriage. Later, after marriage, I will complain, blame, blame myself, suffer and be anxious. On the other hand, this is certain, because they don't know each other, because they don't know what kind of lover they really want. Therefore, when encountering achievements and difficult things, I didn't know that the other party would actually say "like that" and would actually handle things "like that". I think men and women should first understand what kind of person they are and what kind of lover they are suitable for before falling in love. The real purpose of understanding love is to understand each other's temperament, interests, preferences, strengths, weaknesses, outlook on life, prices, family, economy, etc., and make fundamental preparations for the next marriage and common life. Marriage is real and cannot be hypocritical; Love is romantic, impulsive and heartbreaking. For the sake of romantic and happy love and marriage, we need a bumpy transition and find a bridge, which I will call for the time being: wise love. I have discussed with some colleagues, experts and scholars that not only do expectant mothers need pre-job training and counseling, but they also need to study in advance when they are in love. Because more people really don't know how to "love" and how to "love", some novels, magazines and film and television dramas describe love too romantically, which makes people feel heartache and yearning, so that more and more people just want to fall in love and don't want to get married, and more people become perfectionists of love and marriage. So how can we achieve the real purpose of love while enjoying romantic love? I think the following aspects are worthy of reference for men and women who are in love or about to fall in love: 1, who have really been together for more than one year. Make sure that you have time, besides sleeping after work, really talk together and get along well. Telephone and online chat can only be used as reference; 2. Try to understand each other as a whole: temperament is the key point, as well as outlook on life, world view, time view, money view, family situation, physical condition, financial management situation, making friends, ideological status, interests, preferences, advantages, disadvantages, and ways of dealing with grades. The more you know, the more detailed you can be. Don't just say how much I understand each other. It must take more than half a year to get a lot of comments, because it takes a long time to read people's hearts. 4. Don't say "yes" to "sex" casually. It's best not to be in the last six months of the relationship. At the same time, we can actively understand a group's attitude towards sex and its future attitude towards sex; 5. After understanding him (her) as much as possible, one year later, think about whether one party has really understood the other party and whether one party can really bear all the shortcomings of the other party, including differences in living habits and thoughts; 6. Try to show the real me, including my shortcomings. See if the other person can bear the real you; 7. Verify whether what the other party said can stand the test. Verify by what happens in life practice, and avoid inventing things to test each other; 8. Indulge in and enjoy your heartbeat and romantic love. 9. It is best to get married within two years. Before getting married, carefully imagine the life after marriage and the situation that can be presented. Can I really bear it? 10, note: avoid getting pregnant before marriage. It is necessary to prepare for the expectant mother in advance (including the physical, mental and economic preparations of both husband and wife) and have children six months after marriage; These are the matters that both men and women need to pay attention to unilaterally before they formally enter the marriage hall. This is a foundation, and the firmness of the foundation is directly related to the happiness of the current marriage life. In fact, marriage itself is not terrible. I think the most important thing is what kind of vision, attitude and behavior people who enter the marriage door use to look at marriage and people in marriage (including the elderly and children). Furthermore, what needs to be treated and paid unilaterally is: responsibility and love. These two points should be taken care of unilaterally by husband and wife for life. So what should husband and wife follow unilaterally in marriage? The following are some suggestions from our group, hoping to help our friends: 1. Husband and wife's unilateral responsibility and love for marriage and family should never stop, but should be done as a unilateral event. Note: unilaterally only pay attention to giving but not to getting; 2. The unilateral attitude and loyalty of husband and wife require unilateral adjustment and recording. Self-esteem and mutual respect; 3. Husband and wife want to be happy unilaterally, and need to discuss and adjust unilaterally in order to strive for differences or approach the interval; 4. The artistry of husband and wife caring for each other, getting along with each other and unilaterally running the family requires the patience of husband and wife to invent; Husband and wife need to collude with each other no matter what they meet in their marriage life. 6. In marriage and family life, no matter what unhappy things happen, no matter who is at fault, praise, tolerance and love should replace each other's blame and complaints; 7. Unilateral harmony between husband and wife (including sexual harmony) requires unilateral cooperation in construction; 8. Husband and wife should treat each other sincerely. Avoid mutual suspicion and fraud; 9. Husband and wife often communicate with each other, each time exceeding 1 hour, not less than 3 times a week, or both husband and wife often contact a spiritual counselor for spiritual consultation; 10, keep in mind the above, it is a habit for both husband and wife to pay for their daily lives unilaterally with practical actions.