Don't feel incomprehensible. Real life is not a cool drama on TV. Some women, for various reasons, choose to recover rather than divorce after discovering that men are cheating.
Compared with those who are hesitant, I actually admire women who know what they want, make a decision and stop thinking about it, and then achieve their goals in lightning speed.
In short, my visitor, through some operations that may not be so glorious, broke her husband and the woman outside in the fastest time. Because it involves privacy, I won't go into details.
But here's the problem. When she uses "thunderbolt", it will inevitably hurt the interests of men and mistresses, especially mistresses, who have suffered a great blow in their careers.
Because of this, the man was disgusted with my visit and took cold and violent revenge on her and her children. She just found me.
In fact, anyone who wants to save it must understand that it needs to be done step by step.
Don't think that everything will be fine if a man breaks up with a woman outside. I tell you with 16 years of experience in emotional counseling that returning is only the first step to save the Long March.
It takes three steps to save feelings.
0 1 stop loss
At this stage, you must let them break. Without this step, there will be no repair and reconstruction.
Because if a man's heart is not in you, it is meaningless for you to make a second attraction.
Only when he has no emotional betting object outside can he bring his attention home again.
But you should know that stop loss comes at a price. It's a three-point poison
At this stage, don't mind men's attitude towards you too much. In a word, it is to improve the "insensitivity" of emotions.
Men hold a grudge against you, either ignoring you at all, being cold and violent to you, or satirizing and belittling you everywhere. In short, I won't give you any good looks.
Never mind that it's simple to say, but people are full of meat. How can we resist the vicious "bullets" fired at us with our bodies?
Enhance cognition and enhance the sense of intrinsic value.
First of all, you should know that men's satire makes us sad and angry because we agree with him in our hearts.
In fact, many times what hurts us is not the attitude of others to us, but our cognition.
When you don't build a solid self, don't have enough self-esteem and don't think you are valuable, you will pay special attention to what others think of us, and you will doubt yourself because others deliberately discredit us.
Therefore, to improve the emotional "insensitive", the first step is to achieve self-respect and self-love, and confirm your own value.
Enhance emotional awareness
Many times, we have a strong emotional reaction, which seems to be an instant-the event happened, and then the corresponding emotions were generated.
In fact, between events and emotional reactions, you can add your "consciousness"-you have to realize: Oh, I am very angry at the moment; What he said made me very sad.
In short, learn to name emotions and realize what state you are in. Because being aware of your emotions is the premise of developing an "observer" perspective.
Become an observer
What is an observer? It's God's perspective.
Imagine another personality floating out of your body. This personality flies into the air, observing and thinking about all the events and emotions that happen to you.
When you have such an extra perspective and use the superego to observe and understand the id, will you be much calmer when dealing with things and emotions?
You are you, you are not you. When you are beyond the "game", you achieve the goal of controlling your emotions.
Only by controlling emotions rather than letting them control us can we achieve true freedom.
Because we control our emotions well, we can really control our body and mind, do things according to our true wishes, and master the wisdom of getting along in intimate relationships, so as to achieve breakthrough and transformation from the inside out.
Therefore, it doesn't matter if a man is wronged. As long as he breaks up with a woman outside and you control your emotions, you will have a chance to enter the second stage-repair.
You have to tell yourself that my first step was successful.
Then how to digest grievances and how to rebuild them?
02 repair
First of all: give rewards.
You must adhere to a principle-as long as a man does what you want him to do, he will definitely get something in return, there will be steps and there will be emotional value.
Because he did as you asked, you should give him a step, compensate him, and make him feel that his sacrifice is worth it.
For example, in the example mentioned at the beginning of the article, visitors hope that men can communicate with their children more and don't hurt their children because of the relationship between husband and wife.
Many times, the reason why a man is cold to his children is because he has to pass the mother's pass if he wants to be with them.
So at this time, you need to leave the child alone with him to reduce the cost of his being with the child.
I asked the tourists to say three words:
The first sentence: if you want to go home, I can go out, lest you don't want to go home to see the children because you don't want to quarrel.
The second sentence: I know you are busy, but you still have to make some time for the children. You can not pursue quantity, but at least pursue quality.
The third sentence: I hope we can keep a bottom line and try our best to retain our ability to be parents in times of crisis. If you have any difficulties and needs, you can tell me, and I am willing to cooperate.
But don't fall into his trap at the same time, because many men are good at acting and want to make themselves into a blx, a very hurt doll.
Second, you have to break his pua.
He said, you kidnapped me morally, you are a terrible woman, and I have no feelings for you.
Many wives were dumbfounded. They said, Oh, my husband did this to me. He thinks I'm terrible. What did you say?/Sorry?
So at this time, women must be steady and not be influenced by men's statements. When a man throws you a label, you kneel.
I'm telling you, you'll be led by a man with a cat rope all your life.
A truly independent woman is not afraid of being hated by her partner, because she has her own bottom line and principles, because she agrees with her own value and will not panic because others belittle herself casually.
At this time, you can say:
You don't have to feel bad about me. I'm telling you, you think I'm terrible because you hurt my interests and my basic bottom line.
When the police are protecting us, we all think the police are cute. But when the police punished us, we all thought the police were terrible.
So you think I'm scary, and I can understand that your sense of security has been broken.
But I want to tell you that no one can give you absolute sense of security, no one can let you do whatever you want, you can hurt me at will, and I will give you a sense of security, which is impossible.
Don't tell me this. I'm safe. Think about when I hurt you all these years. If you hadn't driven me into a hurry, the rabbit would have bitten when it was in a hurry.
To sum up, there are three main points:
Don't eat him, you have your own strength.
* * * understand him.
Don't take his words seriously, but also take them seriously. Just one sentence: listen to what he says and watch what he does.
Eighty percent of men just talk. I stopped talking about it later, so I think you must have your own ideas in this process, and don't be influenced by men's words.
Let a man have face and steps, and his transition period will be successfully completed. Then we will enter the reconstruction phase.
03 reconstruction
Rebuild what? The first thing to rebuild is "trust".
Once you decide to forgive, you should forget the past injuries, which may take some time. Again, three points poison, this is the price you choose to forgive. There is no choice in this world without paying the price.
In fact, there are two best ways to deal with partner cheating. One is to let go completely after divorce and breakup, and the other is to let go completely after choosing to forgive.
In fact, the internal logic is the same: don't let the pain of the past affect your future life, and don't punish yourself with the mistakes of others.
Choosing to let go of the past is actually letting go of yourself.
Secondly, it is to rebuild the rules, that is, to rebuild the rules for men.
Marriage has been destroyed to this extent, and what is needed is systematic repair. If you are in pain and don't know what to do, you can come to me and I will help you solve it.
Lu Yue, an expert in marriage and emotional counseling, is a national second-class psychological counselor and holds a master's degree in Institute of Psychology, Chinese Academy of Sciences. Work 17 years, accumulated case duration of 20000+, helping more than 10000 families to get happy marriages.
CCTV at Your Service, Beijing TV Who's Talking, and Psychology Monthly.
His works include: Love is Poisonous, Love will lead to life when you are desperate, Living is like playing a game to break the barrier, and Reconstruction of Intimacy.