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In the cheating cases I handle, when men weigh the pros and cons, they can really subvert your cognition. Their indifference and cruelty are outrageous.
Not all men will leave their property to their wives and children and then leave home clean. There are many men who are stingy and scheming, and sweep the scum's wife out of the house.
Do not tell me anything. You still have feelings. You just want to talk about feelings, not interests.
Dai's principle of marriage and love: "It is warmer than a warm man."
Wang Yangming, a sage in the Ming Dynasty, proved by his actions that facing the enemy is more treacherous and cruel than a villain, and facing the people is more kind and kind than a gentleman. He is a genius that no one dares to mess with in history. He is real, the incarnation of devil and angel.
Women, if you want to live a smart life, don't be soft-hearted.
Imagine a man who, despite your years of hard work, insists on cheating. Even when he was killed, he refused to recognize him, secretly transferred the property of * * * before it was exposed, concealed the number of the property, and made a confusing calculation.
This kind of man, you want to talk about feelings with him? He gives you a bayonet and you give him a hug? This is not kindness, not affection, this is stupidity.
Be a strong woman! It's better to dress up beautifully and find a new husband than to be in tears and keep love rat injured!
But many sisters want to save, and the cases of saving and repairing marriage account for 80% of the cheating cases I have handled. Then we have to control the showdown. It can be said that the showdown was done well, and my husband came home early.
case sharing
Last year, a 34-year-old sister, Arlene, trusted me privately. She saw my article on the official WeChat account and wanted me to help. Arlene found out that her husband was cheating because he always answered the phone secretly, so she thought about it and turned on the driving recorder.
She did find a woman's laughter, of course, not Arlene's voice, but a more charming voice. The words in it are the tone and words that Arlene, who is usually serious, has never used.
Continue to open the recording that my husband didn't come home. It's not just ambiguous, it's totally unbearable. Arlene got goose bumps and she was trembling with anger.
Arlene can't swallow this tone. After giving birth to the baby, she continued to work as a wet nurse for family expenses. She devoted herself to family, work, nursing, taking care of children and doing housework.
A few years have passed, and now the child is in the first grade of primary school, but her husband is derailed. Arlene has a strong sense of frustration and powerlessness. She doesn't know why she has worked so hard for so many years, and she doesn't know the significance of her marriage.
She wants a showdown. She wants her husband to apologize.
I advised her not to show her hand easily. First of all, without adequate preparation, a showdown will do Arlene more harm than good.
Arlene is bent on saving her husband and making him apologize. So I gave her the following advice:
Clarify the purpose of showdown:
Let the husband admit the extramarital affair, make him feel guilty, and thus get the greatest benefit for himself.
Note that the purpose is not to save, but to get the greatest benefit for yourself. Don't show your cards easily, lest bad things happen.
The principle of showdown:
Don't compromise, don't forgive easily, and avoid the other party's death and denial.
Avoid easy forgiveness and enter a threesome.
For example, the negative example 1:
A little sister Xiao Hu came to see me the other day, that is, a month after the showdown. At that time, Xiao Hu's husband was killed and refused to admit it. There is no evidence that Xiao Hu is an ordinary friend. This photo is just for fun, and there is a woman on her shoulder. My sister thinks that the man is cheating, but the man never admits it and doesn't want to break up with the woman outside.
This is the lack of evidence, which led the man to get away with it. Instead, he pushed his luck and continued his threesome without breaking contact with the woman. Imagine, if a man has no special relationship with an outside woman and no working relationship at the same time, how can he not want to break up with an outside woman at the moment of marriage crisis?
Is marriage important? Or is it important to contact women? It can be seen that men are fearless in the face of extramarital affairs without evidence.
Collect evidence:
1. Avoid non-recognition: avoid the opponent's fake hammer and non-recognition. Evidence is a weapon for the other party to admit cheating and fight for their own interests. Be sure to record it. Be sure to record it. In case the other party goes back on their word. It is of little legal significance, but it is helpful to confirm cheating and fight for interests. Don't give up any favorable evidence!
2. Evidence is conducive to divorce: in divorce proceedings, this evidence does not have much significance for compensation or property division, but it must be available. The evidence is sufficient, which will be beneficial in the lawsuit when you finally lose hope and want to divorce.
Mentality preparation:
Pay attention to yourself, don't care if a man is sleeping with someone else again.
Why? I said to Arlene, "Have you ever thought about yourself after so many years of marriage?"
She was very sad. She said, "I dedicated myself to my family, never cared about myself, never put on makeup, and rarely dressed up." My mind is full of work and family. "
So, I left her a thinking question: "As a woman, what are your personal plans for the next five years?" What is the ten-year plan? Fifty years later, when you look back on this life, what kind of mood do you want? "
In psychological counseling, the thinking of visitors after returning is also a part of psychological counseling. What we want to talk about is by no means preaching, but really guiding the visitor and helping her open a new door.
Financial status collection:
Protect our interests to the greatest extent.
1. Prepare a letter of commitment (the legal effect is not high, but for men with a sense of morality, countersigning is more psychologically binding than not signing).
2. Draft a marriage property agreement (Arlene and I will discuss the distribution of property, and in order to win the property legally, lawyers will sort it out).
3. Backup of divorce agreement (Arlene and I discussed the distribution of property, which was arranged by lawyers to win property legally).
Time for signing the agreement and commitment letter:
Guilt period, loss aversion period, grasping the points that the other party cares about, and when the financial situation is favorable to us.
Point: Never get emotional.
For example, the opposite example 2:
Tingting, a former colleague, found out that after her husband cheated, her husband knelt down to admit his mistake and was willing to give Tingting all his property for forgiveness. Tingting relented, forgave her husband and didn't ask for an agreement. But she has always had a thorn in her heart and is very insecure. As a result, it didn't take long for her husband to find the ambiguous chat record that Tingting had not had time to delete, and her husband cheated again. Tingting collapsed, got emotional, and then started the search mode.
At first her husband was still coaxing, but later he got bored. My in-laws looked at her at home and thought she was going crazy. Make trouble at home every day. In-laws began to dislike her noise. A good home has been turned upside down.
Tingting is also very sad, and she can't go on for a day. She cried for a divorce again, and her husband agreed. When she divorced, Tingting was told that she couldn't have property if she wanted children. What's more, the house and car are all bought by the husband before marriage, and the property of * * * is almost unattended. As a mother, how can a woman not choose to have children? In this case, she will be miserable for the rest of her life. Obviously, it is the cheating party, but the result is to clean up the house. However, there are many such examples in reality.
This is not to seize the opportunity to sign a property agreement after marriage, play a good hand to powder, and leave home cleanly.
Key points of showdown:
War refuses to cheat.
1. No one will take the initiative to confess the actual situation of their infidelity. Even if they take the initiative to tell the truth, they will say it quietly.
Back to Arlene, a month has passed, and I have helped her adjust her mentality and become an attractive woman. At the same time, I prepared enough evidence and sorted out the list of family property. We chose a showdown on Saturday night, and the children were sent to their in-laws' home that day.
That night, Arlene asked her husband if there was anything he wasn't telling her.
The husband hesitated for a second, then said, "No, I can't hide anything from you."
Arlene said, "I know everything. You may feel better if you say it yourself. "
Arlene's husband is really the type who refuses to admit that he was killed. He is completely stupid.
If you don't admit it, then deal with it by cheating.
Arlene smiled and said to her husband, "Since I mentioned this to you, I must have sufficient evidence to speak." Come on, you got her pregnant. People met me and made things clear. Let me get out of the way, and you don't admit it? "(At this time, Arlene was very calm. After all, we have rehearsed on the phone many times in advance. )
Arlene's husband began to panic. He began to recall and suddenly let slip: "I saw it yesterday, but I haven't heard of it."
Arlene went on to say, "Look, you have already admitted it. Come on, when did it start? Although she told me everything, I want to see which one of you lied to me. "
Then show him Xiao San's phone number saved in advance, and her husband will blow up.
The husband suddenly felt that he could not hide it, so he admitted it once. (By analogy, sisters can also make similar other tricks suitable for the situation. )
Although the husband admitted it, he beat him up and accused his wife of being indifferent.
The husband only admitted that he had drunk too much and made a mistake once, without much explanation. Moreover, she retorted that Arlene was too indifferent to him, which led him to cheat. This is Arlene's fault.
We are ready, Arlene said unhurriedly:
"Cheating is cheating. Now that you have hurt me and this family, you must throw the fault on me. I don't hate you. After all, I love you and I will help you. Since you keep a relationship with her, you must be more willing to be with her. Divorce, just look at your happiness, I will take good care of the children, I have figured it out. "
The husband was surprised. He didn't expect Arlene to dare to leave himself.
Arlene continued to stir up feelings, but her mouth was sweet and she didn't want money: "I love you, and I hope you will be happy." During the time when I knew you were cheating, I managed my family well and left a good memory for our relationship. I think I did my best. "
The husband was a little moved. Arlene knows that husbands cherish their sons, who are his pets.
Arlene then said piteously, "Since you think I am indifferent, be kind to others. After all, people follow you and even bear moral condemnation. Then I will help you. I will take good care of our son. This is the crystallization of our love. "
Arlene paused and then said, "And she, if you don't give her a name, she will get old and can't wait." All women. I know women. Come on, I'm willing to leave you and fulfill you. I will never marry again. It is enough to see you happy from a distance and love you from a distance. "
The husband was in a surge of emotion, hugged Arlene at once, and then choked and vowed never to divorce.
Arlene began to be silent, and then she cried sadly. Weak, helpless, delicate and touching, but never blame her husband. Arlene is arousing her husband's desire for protection and making him feel guilty to the end.
4. How to use her husband's guilt to win compensation and write down a promise?
At this time, the husband began to pray for his wife's forgiveness. He said he was really crazy. It was a woman outside who seduced him, but he didn't control it. Arlene took advantage of her husband's emotional excitement at the height of his guilt. So Arlene pushed the boat with the tide.
Arlene said: "If I really want to go back on my word, I ask very little. Let's sign a commitment letter. The main content is to break up with San Xiao and take care of my family during this time. Can you do it? " The husband quickly said, "If you can, sign it right away."
Arlene added, "I don't want any problems in our future. If you want us to be together, then be together. If this happens again, my son and I will be disappointed in you. I think you also want to be a good father. " Arlene knows that her son is her husband's weakness.
The husband quickly said, "Of course I want to be together."
Arlene said, "Let's make an agreement. You have to compensate me for cheating this time and make you miserable as punishment. Moreover, next time I derail, I will take my son away. "
The husband thought about it and asked Arlene that whatever she wanted, as long as it was within her ability, he agreed.
The next night, (so it wasn't a showdown, it was just taken out at that time, otherwise it was too fake and didn't match the divorce. ) Arlene took out the "Commitment Letter" and signed it with her husband, stipulating that she should break off relations with San Xiao and report it regularly. Recently, mobile phones have been checked casually, allowing post inspection, reducing business trips, and trying to go home directly after work without overtime.
At the same time, a property agreement was signed after marriage, and Arlene owned the small apartment before marriage. Of course, this is not greedy for her husband's financial situation of owning a 1 apartment before marriage, but also meets Arlene's compensation needs. So the husband signed it without too much entanglement. If Arlene lion talks, the result may not be certain.
At this time, a sister will ask, what if he refuses to break up with San Xiao and doesn't sign the marital property agreement, just asking for forgiveness and not signing it?
If reasonable compensation and action are unwilling, then you should leave.
A woman can't live without a man, and the earth goes around without him. Only women who let each other hurt themselves will be trampled by stupid kindness. Facing love rat, we should harden our hearts, speak softly and concisely.
Remember, Dai's principle of marriage and love: "A poor man is warmer than a warm man." Be a strong woman!
-The end-
Dai's qualification as Founder Group:
British psychology &; Master of MBA, CIPC international registered psychological consultant, gender researcher of Tokyo Institute of Sexual Psychology, member of China Institute of Sexual Psychology, certified consultant of Institute of Psychology, Chinese Academy of Sciences, etc. , focusing on emotion, marriage, psychology, gender, sexual psychology, depression, etc.
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