"The first time was six months ago. My child did not do well in the exam that day. Seeing her score, I was so angry that I gave her a good scolding. She has tears in her eyes, her lips are biting and she doesn't say a word. "
I forced her: "What do you say if you don't do well in the next exam?" I worked hard, ate and drank, and this is how you repay me with this score? I think I owe you in my last life. Are you here to get back at me? ! "
The more I talk, the angrier I get. Originally, it was a gesture for children to say a few soft words. I think I'll feel better and won't scold her again.
It was a strange day, but she just kept her mouth shut. Later, I couldn't help it. I picked up the clothes hanger and hit her, saying, "You waste, you might as well die!" " "
When I said this, the child suddenly raised his head, looked at me with fierce eyes and hateful eyes, and growled "Ah …". Now that I think about it, she should have been extremely depressed.
I was shocked by her actions and didn't dare to continue cursing.
The child turned into his room and didn't have dinner.
I left her alone, but I couldn't sleep that night.
When I got up the next day, I found that she was already sitting in the living room watching TV.
On a hot day, I wore long sleeves and said to her, "Why are you wearing such thick clothes in this heat?" Take it off! "
The child ignored me at all, as if there was no mother in his eyes!
That afternoon, I sent her back to school.
But I've been nervous for two days, thinking something would happen.
Sure enough, two days later, the head teacher suddenly called me and said, * * Mom, come to school quickly. "
My heart thumped and I quickly asked the teacher, "Why, is there anything wrong with the child?"
The teacher comforted me and said, "Don't worry, it's nothing serious, wait until you come over!" " "
I didn't know until I got to school that a student in the class told the class teacher that my child's wrist was injured.
The class teacher looked for her, and sure enough, she saw the wound and asked her to know that she had cut it herself.
The head teacher felt that the matter was quite serious and called me to school.
I'm scared and feel that I can't treat my children like this in the future.
Later, I chatted with a friend, and the friend said, "She was just trying to scare you so that you wouldn't dare to hit her and scold her again. The more you do this, the more you dislike her! "
After listening to my friend's words, I felt very reasonable, so I didn't listen to my teacher's words: take her to see a psychiatrist.
After that, we went our separate ways. Hit her and scold her when you are unhappy. Two months ago, she cut her hand again. At that time, the teacher was very angry and asked me: Why don't you see a psychiatrist for your child?
I said, "She's just trying to scare me. What is there to see! "
At that time, the teacher said angrily, I have never seen such an irresponsible mother!
It was not until this morning that the child was cut again, and this time there was a lot of blood, that I realized the seriousness of the problem and regretted not taking the child to see a psychiatrist earlier.
With these words, she stepped forward and grabbed my hand, asking me to help her anyway.
This mother's mood is particularly understandable.
After so many years of counseling, I have seen many similar cases. Compared with the previous generation, the incidence of depressive disorder among teenagers is increasing year by year, and the pressures and risk factors they face are becoming more and more complex and diverse (school pressure, academic pressure, peer pressure, relationship pressure, parental pressure, family relationship pressure, etc.). ), these are the reasons for the rising incidence of mental illness.
Especially since the epidemic last year, the incidence of mental illness has increased by spurt, and more and more students have self-mutilated. A self-mutilation student in a middle school said: Of the 50 students in their class, 4 have more serious psychological problems than him, 2 are in hospital and 2 are at home.
What are the causes of self-harm?
One child is like this: he visited an abused website before, and then he made a mistake. Accused by the teacher at school, the whole school informed criticism. He couldn't get rid of the anguish in his heart, and suddenly thought of the photos he saw on the Internet stabbing himself in the leg with a knife. So he quickly found his pencil sharpener and plunged it mercilessly. For the first time, he felt very painful, not as painful as he thought, but slowly, he felt that the knife no longer hurt, but the coolness of the knife sliding across the skin was very cool. Later, every ten days or so, he couldn't wait to feel the coolness. Many people who abuse themselves learn to abuse themselves through imitation. Parents should also remind their children not to read or even imitate such websites and posts easily, which may produce bad psychological hints.
Of course, this is only one of the reasons. From the psychological, family, personal and social aspects, it is mainly due to the following reasons:
2. Childhood trauma. Almost all the students I consulted who had self-harm complained about physical or mental abuse in their early years or childhood misfortune. For example, parents' divorce and domestic violence are often insulted and ridiculed at school. In such an environment, without the love of parents, friends and teachers, life feels extremely depressed, and people don't like communication, which leads to unresolved pressure. Finally, release stress through self-harm behavior.
3. The repression of reality. There is a certain limit to people's psychological endurance. The competition in modern society is increasingly fierce and cruel, the pace of life is fast, and the learning burden is heavy. However, the psychological quality, health status and endurance of middle school students are very different. Some children are often frustrated by their parents' unrealistic expectations. When they experience setbacks, they often feel helpless and incompetent. After a long time, they will lose control, despair and have a psychological crisis. Some students will punish themselves to deal with problems, that is, turn emotional pain into a form of body to relieve emotional pain and pressure, relieve resentment and tension, and thus prevent themselves from doing worse things.
4. Peer imitation. It is reported that two students in a school agreed to cut their wrists with art knives at the same time to prove their "loyalty" to each other, and then they wrapped the wound with the same handkerchief as a sign. Unexpectedly, the two people who made such absurd behavior were regarded as "heroes" by other students and followed suit. This is a typical "peer phenomenon" among middle school students today. Students cut their wrists in order to show their sense of identity with each other and their strength, so as to attract others' attention.
5. Personality factors. Years of psychological work experience shows that teenagers who have self-harm behavior have similar characteristics, that is, introverted or withdrawn, sensitive, emotional and impulsive. Some people feel inferior, lose confidence in life and are in anxiety for a long time. Others include borderline personality disorder, depression or post-traumatic stress reaction, dissociative disorder and impulse control disorder.
In addition, some teenagers hurt themselves because of their imperfect physical and psychological development. When they are hit by pressure, they will respond to negative impulses and release psychological pressure in a self-destructive way.
Even more frightening is that self-harm can be addictive. Many self-mutilators suggest that even without obvious incentives, they will have a strong impulse to self-mutilate. They compare self-harm to drugs, that is, with the passage of time, more and more serious self-harm behavior is needed to achieve the same effect as before.
Why don't parents know that their children have hurt themselves?
Due to the lack of understanding of self-harm and psychological awareness, family members or teachers often misunderstand this, which leads to self-harm individuals' conflict or avoidance (even more unwilling to talk and ask for help). For example, parents or teachers often accuse "Why do you want to hurt yourself? There is something wrong with your brain! " There are even parents who beat their children for this.
Once parents express it in a shocking or punishing way, it will strengthen self-harm behavior, leading to self-harm children avoiding seeking treatment in the future.
Self-harm usually appears in a silent and hidden way, aiming at suppressing negative emotions or overcoming emotional numbness. Parents must adopt a listening attitude towards their children who are self-mutilated. At the same time, they should not judge or criticize. At the same time, they should not show shocked reaction and encourage them to express themselves through voice rather than behavior.
I'm worried. Children are hurting themselves. What if they kill themselves?
Note: Self-mutilation is not suicide in most cases, but is often caused by some potential and unresolved pain and needs the help of professional psychotherapists.
So what should we do?
1, the best way is to ask for professional psychological help.
2. Optimize the family environment. Family is the shaping field of personality, and parents play a subtle role in children and are the first imitators of children, so parents should set a rational and positive example for their children. Family and everything are the same at the psychological level. The handling of the relationship between parents in the family plays a vital role in children's psychological maturity and health. Therefore, we must handle the family relationship well, give the child a relaxed, harmonious and safe family environment, and let her grow up healthily and happily. At the same time, adjust parents' high expectations and establish target expectations suitable for children. Ambitious parents are an important source of stress for children. Many children will use self-harm to relieve their pain and anxiety when they can't meet their parents' expectations. Therefore, only by integrating children's knowledge base, intelligence level, hobbies, specialties and other information, and putting forward realistic expectations and requirements, can we produce positive expected results, otherwise, it will have no benefit except increasing children's excessive psychological burden and pressure. In addition, parents should pay more attention to communication with their children and follow the principles of respect, understanding, tolerance, trust and encouragement in communication. This will not only help children to know their growing troubles in time, but also help them bravely face the difficulties and setbacks in students' life, strengthen the parent-child relationship and form their normal mentality and good character.
3. Learn more appropriate coping strategies. Self-mutilation is often difficult to cope with anxiety, depression or other serious psychological pain (beyond the scope of emotional regulation). It is very important to help them identify, practice and use more efficient and positive methods to deal with negative emotional States, which also requires the help of psychological counselors.
4. Play the role of peers to reduce the pressure and burden. A companion is usually the first person to know or suspect that a friend is hurting himself. Therefore, peers are the first line of self-harm identification and intervention. Teachers can encourage and guide students to seek help when their peers have similar self-harm behaviors. At the same time, parents and teachers should pay attention to reducing the pressure on their children. Of course, some parents think that if the pressure is reduced, they may not be admitted to the university, which requires balance and trade-offs. In fact, it is very simple: do you have psychological and mental problems if you want to go to college?
5. Let teenagers know the influence of the media. Nowadays, the overwhelming news is flooding the network, and everyone has a deep understanding of its influence. On the one hand, the influence of these new media will produce a psychological hint to teenagers through pictures, songs and news articles. On the other hand, teenagers' strong imitation ability makes them likely to imitate others' practices when there are problems, such as self-harm.
Therefore, we must help young people understand the media correctly and make them less affected by bad influences.