A person who is determined to separate from you has labeled you as negative, and she doesn't expect too much from you.
At this time, you also forcibly bound two people and asked her to "give me another chance!" "In exchange for impatience, it will be a stronger rejection and blow, and even strengthen her negative cognition of you:
"The more you do this, the more I realize that you don't understand what I said, and you only care about your feelings ..."
"When we are together, too, you can't give me anything, but you ask me this. It's really wise to break up with you ... "
Put yourself in others' shoes. If it were you, would you still want to try with him if you couldn't see the possibility that the other person could meet your needs? I don't need to say more about the answer. If you really want to save her and repair your's feelings, you should get rid of similar wrong mentality.
Chen Yu, I was once asked such a question in the consultation, that is, why didn't she return my message? Do you need to ask me this question? Your predecessor has no obligation to reply to your information, but if the other party can reply to your information positively, the essence is that you can make the other party feel comfortable and meet some of their needs. And the direction of our efforts, especially the first stage, is to let the other party communicate with you first.
So at present, calm down, get rid of the negative state of being swayed by considerations of gain and loss, turn your attention to understanding her needs and what she wants, and then learn and train the skills of managing intimate relationships, so that she can truly feel loved and change her mind.
Next, I will use a real case to talk about the "what should I do" that everyone wants to know most.
The first suggestion ...
"Redeemer: Yang Guang (pseudonym), male, 25 years old, financial.
Rescued: Jiang Mumu (pseudonym), female, 24 years old, clothing anchor. "
Take Yang Guang who asked me for help last year as an example. When he first talked to me, he summed up their emotional problems in one sentence: "My ex-girlfriend told me that I was too tired to get along with each other." But as far as I know, they have struggled together in Shanghai for two years, and their relationship has been very stable, almost to the point where all their friends acquiesce that they will get married. How could they break up because of a simple "tired"?
After two voice calls, I realized that my ex-girlfriend Jiang Mumu's family is traditional, and her family has begun to urge her to get married. Although she chose to be an anchor to escape from that small place, the bilateral pressure of her parents and work made her eager for Yang Guang to give herself a sense of security, whether it was emotional comfort or a clear future. But Yang Guang can't give it, which in turn will find Jiang Mumu to "discuss emotional problems" because of a little thing.
For example, Jiang Mumu was scheduled to broadcast live at night, saying that he would be home late. His first reaction was not to care, but to let Jiang Mumu make a small video for the record. Finally, he wanted to say, "It's good to be all girls." Once Jiang Mumu is unhappy about this, he will keep asking Jiang Mumu to prove that she still loves him.
Or, he wants Jiang Mumu to play VR with him on weekends. Jiang Mumu can't go because of a temporary task. He will have a big fight with Jiang Mumu.
So mywood also clearly told Yang Guang the reason why he wanted to break up:
He is too naive to plan for the future. It's been three years since he graduated, and he hasn't taken the CPA exam.
He cares too much about her, always wants to tie two people together, and likes to take some small problems seriously. She is under great pressure.
She has her own career plan and wants to develop into a big anchor, but with Yang Guang, she can't help but rely on him to decide, but she wants to maintain her independence, so she is always entangled and can't do it well at all.
Through analysis, I found that Yang Guang belongs to dependent personality, while Jiang Mumu belongs to conflict personality.
-Dependent personality is characterized by insecurity, worthlessness and anxiety. There are many holes and defects in his heart, which need a lot of external energy to fill, such as praise from others, warm and straightforward love, and lifelong commitment. If the other party can't take the initiative to do this, he will delve into the details and make a small matter disastrous. For example, you didn't take the initiative to bring me food today. Do you care about me?
In the eyes of dependent people, love should be that two people are born together, and there is no one but the other. All attempts to preserve personal space will be interpreted by him as not loving enough.
The essence of this pursuit of emotional extremes is that the mother has problems.
Just like Yang Guang, her grandmother was prejudiced against her mother, and her father didn't protect her well, which made her suffer a lot. She simply fell in love with them. After Yang Guang was born, hatred turned to him. Mother felt that without Yang Guang, she wouldn't have to be tied to the family that hurt her, so she always ignored Yang Guang and scolded him when she was in a bad mood. Coupled with his father's weakness, Yang Guang never felt normal love since he was a child, nor did he learn a sense of responsibility from his father.
This led him to rely too much on his partner to make up for himself in intimate relationships as an adult. It can also be said that he is actually looking for a new "ideal mother object" when looking for a girlfriend.
-Jiang Mumu, whose personality conflicts, is "taken care of" too well. From a very young age, she lost the right to decide her own life. She has to listen to her parents from what she wears to what she learns. The instinct of self-independence and the inertia of dependence always make her have contradictory performances. For example, as mentioned above, she wants to concentrate on her career and settle down with Yang Guang.
When we enter into intimate relationship, we are all more or less bearing traces of family background. Most people don't realize this, and the intimate pattern of parents has been repeated all their lives. Only a few people have successfully divorced from their parents psychologically and have an independent and complete soul.
The conflict type is in the middle. She often doesn't understand what she really wants and is skeptical about her ability. She often switches between several contradictory states.
For example, they often:
Make an energetic plan, and then hesitate to implement it;
From the bursting of confidence to the final wailing, all you need is a negative sentence from others;
Being clingy in love will be clingy, but when she needs her own space, she will be disgusted with each other;
I hope to find a big brother to love, not a younger brother who needs to take care of himself;
Her mind is often full of self-abuse doubts, and she has decided to go out to eat, but she is still struggling on the road whether it is too expensive; Obviously playing games in my spare time is nothing, but I wonder if it will make me addicted; Included in the relationship, even if they have been together for a long time, they will demand themselves because of a little contradiction. How much energy have I wasted because of this relationship?
Some witty friends can understand this, and the conflict type also needs to rely on one person to get a clear direction. In fact, she enjoys being led, whether emotionally or at work. Otherwise, she will suddenly realize that love is hindering her growth at the turning point of her feelings, and then choose to push her away.
Dependence and conflict together, is equivalent to a "requester" and half a "requester" competing with each other, everyone has shortcomings, and no one has the ability to give each other the love they want, just like Jiang Mumu can't stand Yang Guang's mood, and Yang Guang can't stand Jiang Mumu's snub, so breaking up is inevitable.
In fact, personality types do not represent absolute good or bad. For example, dependent type meets giving type or controlling type, and conflict type meets rational type or security type, all of which can meet a stable relationship. But the wonder and beauty of love is that you are not the most suitable person for me, but I still fall in love with you.
Therefore, I suggest that Yang Guang, in order to recover Jiang Mumu, you should be rational or safe. In other words, you should be a peer who can grow up with her, not a stumbling block to increase her pressure.
The second suggestion
? Respect each other's decision to break up, and make a commitment after changing.
* First of all, let me analyze the reasons why men and women break up:
Most boys break up because girls give too many negative emotions, so they need to break up with each other to protect themselves and avoid stress.
But when a girl breaks up, you will often break her sense of security, causing her to think about real problems and be confused about the future.
For example, a girl quarrels with a boy because he plays a game, not because of the game itself, but because her mind will diverge. Will he always be immature and only care about himself? Is it because the game is not responsible for the family?
But when she broke up, she didn't think rationally about the possibility of solving this problem, but felt that it was really difficult to fall in love, and I couldn't see our future hope.
If you can't accept her decision to break up and insist that she stay with you, it will further undermine her sense of security and put yourself on the opposite side of her emotions. Before she believes you, all your promises will be regarded by her as empty talk and evidence that you can't solve the problem.
Many boys actually understand this truth, but you are straightforward and purposeful. Apologize is to get forgiveness, and confession is to let her stay with you. Give the girl too much pressure before giving her the attitude she wants to see.
Just like when I started to help Yang Guang recover, he had been pestering for half a month, saying apology and repentance every day, but he never got a reply.
The correct way is to respect her decision to break up with a mature and rational attitude, let her get rid of anxiety first, and then show her your changes a little.
If your communication is deadlocked like this, you immediately make a rational description and say that you have let go, which is obviously difficult to win her trust. You must let her see a logical emotional chain and make corresponding behavior changes with these changes, so as to really bring her a relaxed atmosphere and shape your new personality.
* emotional chain:
Don't know how to do it, you can refer to the operation details I gave Yang Guanglie:
(Yang Guang has a circle of friends with emotional display)
In fact, Jiang Mumu gave feedback when Yang Guang tried to understand her, but everyone's expressive ability and personality characteristics are different. If you find "Eh, why didn't she reply to me after I sent it for two weeks?" Then you have to go back to the first step, try to figure out her character, and then reflect;
Is there a big gap between your speaking skills and your personal design?
Are there any accusations you didn't realize?
Do you still make a decision for her from your own point of view?
The third suggestion
? Using communication positions skillfully to change the interactive atmosphere-"grab position+give way+change position"
Let me give you an example. When you create a person's design, share positive things with the other person. The other person's attitude is poor, or she is sarcastic. What does this have to do with you? Most people feel attacked and subconsciously grab seats: "Do you have to be so rude? /Yes, it's none of your business. You should treat me as idle and bored, hehe. "
When the atmosphere in your body enters an "attack state", the mutual goal is to attack each other and protect yourself, and it is impossible to have extra energy to cultivate feelings.
Then when can I use the seat grab? As we mentioned earlier, the contradictory Jiang Mumu needs a leader to "help her" clarify many things. If you keep giving in, it will give her a feeling that you are weak. In fact, this is applicable to most girls (except strong girls), and leadership will arouse her rebellious psychology.
For example, at the turning point of the relationship, you contact her and she is in a hurry to break up with you. At this time, you can talk to me by grabbing a seat. "I have put it down. You still care so much, don't you still like me? " Ok, I'm kidding, but you look cute like this. You are really a fairy (or her nickname). "Voice, give her a hint that you still care about is that you still like it, plus a wave of praise, naturally she is embarrassed.
As for transposition, it is the most important point for us to communicate with each other. It is a bit like what we said, that is, transposition and speaking from the other side's standpoint, for example, "You may not want to see me, but I left my things at the doorman's".
And transposition has another meaning, that is, before you start a topic, you can also rehearse it from her point of view:
How will she react to what I said?
How should I deal with emotional interaction?
What words might hurt her? What can make her smile?
Let's make it clear. The communication experience given to her is intimate, interesting and warm, and it is strange that she will refuse you. Who doesn't like a partner with high emotional intelligence?
These foreshadowing and changes eventually became the basis for Yang Guang and Jiang Mumu to get back together.
By April, the epidemic had been greatly controlled, and they made an appointment to meet. This time, Yang resumed his mental journey in this period with a mature and rational attitude. Jiang Mumu is also very frank, and the pressure when breaking up is really too great. Neither of them said anything about getting back together, just holding hands silently.
I asked Yang Guang why he didn't mention it. His answer made me deeply moved by this common on-off consultant:
From a naive and impulsive boy to a responsible and considerate man, this significance may be greater than the feelings themselves.
Psychological test: test the probability of getting back together after breaking up.
Have you ever thought about the possibility of getting back together after two people break up? This set of test questions helps you test the probability of getting back together after breaking up. Let's try it together.
Do you still have your ex's contact information in your mobile phone?
It's five points.
No, all 0 points have been deleted.
What is the reason why you broke up?
Due to objective reasons, the family disagreed with 1.
Long-distance love, no future 2 points.
TA thinks I have a bad temper and our personalities are incompatible. Three points
There is a third party involved in our relationship.
After our quarrel, no one would bow their heads and broke up in a rage.
I think TA has a bad temper, always complaining, and was dumped by TA for 6 points.
Of the following four statements, if you had to choose one statement that you agree with most, which one would you choose?
If a person loves another person, he should love all of TA, regardless of its advantages or disadvantages. Otherwise, it is not true love. He likes 2 points at most.
Although feelings are what you want, but it depends on people's efforts, the other person's love can also be controlled, as long as it can meet the other person's psychological needs, love can guide 4 points.
Twisted melons are not sweet. If TA doesn't want to get back together, I respect the idea of TA 1 minute.
The emotional world can never be equal, and those who want to get back together must not be stingy with their 6 points.
When you express one thing, you value it more.
The accuracy of verbal expression is 2 points.
Talking to the other person gives the other person a strong impression of 1.
Are the people around you comfortable with what you said? 6 points
The ultimate goal that words can achieve is 4 points.
What do you think are your basic emotional characteristics?
Emotional, often unable to control his temper 0 points.
Self-control ability is strong, the surface is calm, but the inner mood fluctuates greatly, and it is difficult to calm down 2 points in case of contusion.
Everything is a cloud, and it is not easy to get angry by nature. My friend praised me for my good temper by six points.
Feelings are not slow and direct, but once they are unstable, they are easily excited and angry. Three points
Did you save your ex?
I saved it, but it was rejected. I didn't save four points.
No, I don't know what the other person is thinking, so I dare not say 2 points.
I saved it several times, but the other party was very exclusive, Lahei, and I don't want to see my zero again.
I tried to talk, but the other party thought we were not suitable. Hope to find happiness 6 points.
The complete version of the test questions and answers can be obtained by private mail.