A friend of mine, Xiao G, told me two days ago that she broke up with her boyfriend who had been in love for three years. After the stage of talking about marriage, we finally separated. She said she was in pain and felt like she was dying.
This is the stage that everyone must go through after falling in love. I hope to accompany her or more people who are going through all this through psychology.
I don't know if you have seen After Us produced by Huang Fu. I strongly recommend you to have a look. You may find your own shadow in it.
The film begins with the boy's "Talk to you later", and then the girl goes through four stages after breaking up: reminiscence &; Recovery, release, reconstruction and renewal.
Today we talk about the first stage, memory and retreat. The first stage may be the most painful and difficult period.
The explanation given by Wikipedia is to terminate intimate relationships by any means other than death.
Breaking up will not only bring strong negative emotions, but also cause various abnormal reactions of the body:
A. loss of appetite
Studies have shown that the hypothalamus secretes hormones that suppress appetite.
B. Insomnia, depression and anxiety
People who are lovelorn may fall into strong negative emotions such as self-blame, anger, fear, pain, etc. It is difficult and shallow to fall asleep, and it is easy to wake up from nightmares.
Depression and anxiety show that lovelorn people can't concentrate on their studies/work, are not interested in anything and don't want to get in touch with others.
C. Detoxification reaction
Some people may have symptoms such as vomiting, hallucinations and nausea after detoxification.
D. physical pain
The lyrics don't mean that missing is the pain of breathing.
Even breathing is painful, and psychologists call it "broken heart syndrome". Its main manifestation is an emotional heart attack, just like the heart is about to break. People who are lovelorn will release emergency hormones, including adrenaline and cortisol, which will lead to rapid heartbeat and arrhythmia.
Through the research on MRI- magnetic resonance imaging, American scientists found that when a lovelorn person sees a photo of his ex, the activated area corresponds to the area in the brain that controls pain, which makes people feel burning.
In short, although this process is painful, usually these symptoms will gradually ease or even disappear in the next two to three weeks.
Breaking up is essentially a process of getting rid of relationships and re-establishing boundaries. What is lost is not only the relationship itself, but also the memories of the past and the commitment to the future.
A. Fracture and loss
What is the boundary? Borders are the standards and restrictions that you think "how others should treat themselves".
Before breaking up, the boundary between the two people in intimate relationship was "close and thin", and they even shared the same life and biological clock. And this highly integrated life between the two sides will make you feel very uncomfortable after breaking up, especially in the early days.
You may still be used to opening WeChat to say good morning, seeing interesting things you want to share, and crying to open the call record after being criticized by the teacher or boss. You want to hear each other's voice, and you want to know what ta is doing, but all this seems to have nothing to do with you. What you lose is everything you are familiar with in your original life, and you will feel very scared.
Economists believe that people hate losses. Faced with the same amount of gains and losses, the loss is even more unbearable. The negative utility of the same amount of loss is 2.5 times of the positive utility of the same amount of gain. So when you face this kind of loss, it will be more painful.
The nature of the relationship is determined by the boundary. Whether two people are lovers, friends or nodding acquaintances is actually just a different boundary.
The reconstruction of the sense of boundary means that you can't address each other in a very intimate way, can't make intimate moves, and no longer have the right to contact at any time. The previous "near and thin" boundary needs to return to the "far and thick" boundary before acquaintances, the so-called "most familiar stranger". This is really painful.
b.？ Memory of the past
Breaking up also means losing part of yourself.
Some common experiences between lovers will constitute memories of the past. For example, the bus we waited for together, laughing at Grandpa's poor Mandarin downstairs, the rainy morning I interviewed, and the umbrella and hot coffee you held downstairs, all these memories and experiences suddenly lost their meaning.
Many times, people's cognition of themselves and the world is accumulated through a period of past experience. And this sudden withdrawal of the fragment, like the coffee on the day of the interview lost its meaning, and there will be no more coffee for him in the future, losing the half of the memories that originally belonged to two people and losing a part of themselves.
At this stage, it is easy for people to idealize each other. You can only remember the beautiful moments between you. He used to sweet talk to you, but the cold violence, quarrel and betrayal before breaking up seem to have been selectively forgotten by you. You even wonder if you have gone too far. You even want to get in touch with him and get back together.
C. Future commitments
Breaking up will make you feel anxious about the future.
When lovers are together, they will definitely think about the future more than once, and both sides may have worked hard in this promised future. He tried his best to come to your city. She worked hard to prepare for IELTS and went abroad together. She even talked about wanting several children. Now that the future you are striving for suddenly loses its direction, you will feel very confused and even dare not face the waking tomorrow.
This stage is very painful, but it is also something that everyone who breaks up has to go through. There are many people who keep contacting each other because they can't stand the pain. Here I suggest giving myself a cooling-off period to sort things out. Because it is difficult for people to make rational decisions under the interference of such strong emotions.
What can you do to get through this period? Here are some effective methods that suit you:
A. accept and allow your negative emotions.
Please allow yourself to be sad, it is important to accept your emotions. This man used to be very important to you, so it's not wrong for you to feel sorry for his departure. If you just want to lie in bed and don't want to do anything or go anywhere, tell yourself it's ok.
If you have friends or relatives around you who are going through this stage, instead of denying the pain of ta, say, "What's good about ta? Ta and I have long been unhappy. " At this moment, ta needs you to tell him, "You are in pain now, and I am here with you." Listen to ta's pain and unwillingness at the moment.
B. Seek support from friends and family.
The support of family and friends is especially important at this stage. Please tell them that you need their understanding and companionship. I believe they will understand you.
Another reminder, if your family will send you negative information, please try to avoid it and tell them directly that you don't want to hear it. At this moment, you are very fragile and need to stay away from negative and demeaning attacks.
Here are some healthy recipes to help you get rid of depression:
C. do something that will get you involved.
After being lovelorn, people become insensitive to time, and the day becomes very long and difficult. You can:
Learn a new skill that I want to learn for a long time, such as a foreign language, a musical instrument, dancing, boxing and so on.
To create some works that need long-term attention, such as flower arrangement, painting, calligraphy and handicrafts.
Watch movies and TV series that interest you, such as Douban movie Top250 or IMDB Top 100.
D. use
Exercise can promote the secretion of dopamine. You can do some sports within your power, such as jogging and yoga.
You can also take part in some daily punching fitness programs, which will not only make you feel comfortable and have a sense of accomplishment after exercising every day, but more importantly, you will enhance your self-evaluation and recognition when you persist in and complete the course.
E. extinguish
You can take classes, take short trips and watch exhibitions.
Commuting time on the road will also consume a long day. Man is a gregarious animal. Going out to see different people can connect you with society and make you less lonely.
F. Written records
At this stage, you may fall into all kinds of intense and complicated emotions, or you may have a lot to say to each other.
What should I do if I am angry or miss each other very much? You can write down these feelings and what you want to say to each other.
If words are too difficult for you, you can also prepare a chair, put a doll or a photo of the other person, and then imagine the other person sitting in front of you, and you vent all your words or emotions. This is called "empty chair technology" in psychology.
No matter what form you take, it is important to let your emotions have an outlet. When you are finished, you can burn it or send it to an address you will never receive.
G. Seek professional psychological counseling
Breaking up is a traumatic event, which will bring back many unrecovered childhood wounds, such as loss of self-worth, abandonment, anxiety of separation, loss of self-identity, frustration of self-esteem and self-denial.
If you find that your past intimate relationship has been repeating a certain pattern, you need to seek professional psychological counseling to help you repair your past wounds. If this traumatic event is not handled properly, it will still affect your feelings and life in the future.
A long-term intimate relationship is actually a relationship between you and yourself.
Finally, I want to tell you that breaking up is never easy. But you have to believe that no matter how long, you will eventually recover, as long as you stick to it and don't give up on yourself.
I will stay here with you.