① Improvement of response method
When encountering problems, what a partner should do is not to try to improve those realistic and objective problems; It is to meet the immediate needs of avoidant attachment and maintain a stable and safe relationship. Two concepts need to be mentioned here: "expressing for them" and "fixed communication frequency". Establish a good relationship with them. As a guide, you must always remind yourself of your avoidant nature. (You can take a small notebook and write it down)
Avoidant attachment is more reluctant to communicate with others when it is more painful. They can't honestly express their inner pain, and they don't know how to rely on others. On the contrary, they will only close their hearts, either silent or indifferent. But in fact, these are not malicious. If your partner scolds them at this time, "Why don't you talk again" or forces them to ask, "What did you say?" Such an expression will only make it more impossible to be their safety fortress.
This way of direct questioning and communication, for the avoidance type, if you directly throw a question to them, it is equivalent to putting the spotlight of communication on the other side completely, and they are not good at opening themselves up. If you suddenly hit each other with strong light, you will want to run away more. The correct way is to express what they may think of each other in their hearts. If you are not good at guessing the other person's heart at first, you can use "don't say anything" to ensure that the other person doesn't have to answer, which can minimize the communication pressure.
If you understand the other person's meaning, then use "Do you think …" profile expression+ask to express your inner thoughts. At this time, the other party only needs to be a listener, and without too much direct pressure, the communication will proceed normally. When you are expressing your thoughts for each other, if what you say can go straight to the heart of avoidance, then their desire for communication will be stimulated by you and they will be willing to speak their inner thoughts slowly.
If the other person's answer is "not like this" and it is not correctly expressed to them, don't panic. At least they are willing to respond to your own inner opinion. Although there is no detailed description, their "yes or no" answer also shows that they are slowly opening up to you.
This is the "empathy response", which empathizes with the other person's mood and responds when the other person needs it. The so-called security fortress is to restore the existence of security. To put it more simply, it is a person who will say "Never mind, no problem" to us at any time. When getting along with avoidant attachment, the principle is not to invade the other person's field and try to give a positive response to empathy. To this end, avoiding doubts or accusations is the first priority. Using a fixed communication frequency is mainly to create a sense of practicality for avoidant people, so as not to make them feel that their relationship will fail.
"He is cold, you are cold, he is hot, you are hot." According to the acceptable chat interval, it not only gives them a breathing space, but also creates a feeling of being at arm's length, which is the most suitable way of communication. It is best to have an interval of 2~3 days (not an absolute formula, the interval length depends on the situation) to offset the disappointment and let the evasive know that you will not suddenly disappear; In addition, the next time you chat, you should avoid the sensitive topics above and use the topic of demand to break the deadlock.
② The trap of mentality adjustment.
Avoidant attachment itself lacks empathy and understanding than ordinary people. Therefore, partners often think that they don't know how to think of others and are dissatisfied with it. Especially for anxious couples who strongly want recognition, the evasive response is too cold and heartless. Faced with this indifferent attitude, it is easy to produce dissatisfaction. Even if it is out of the need to guide/heal the other person, temporary patience will break out one day, and you can't help but accuse the other person of being "too selfish and completely ignorant of thinking about the other person." Any little thing can make things out of control.
On the other hand, avoidant attachment is sometimes confused by a partner's accusation. Because of the lag of emotional perception, they often don't understand why they should be so severely scolded when they know that they have done nothing. Why do partners have such a gap? They think empathy or care is not important. Since you said you would reflect, your behavior is hard to change after all.
In order to prove that they are the injured party, anxious couples are used to complaining by accusing and forcing questions. However, doing so will only make avoidant people feel more threatened. In order to protect themselves, after the avoidance mechanism is opened, they will close their hearts and alienate each other as much as possible to achieve inner stability. Being unable to be a safe fortress partner is only the source of their pain. Worst of all, when their patience reaches a certain limit, it is not uncommon to break up directly.
When your partner cures avoidance for the purpose of guidance, remember not to let your negative emotions stay in the state of "not seeing the light" for a long time and fall into the strange circle of "hiding hatred trap". Find a second channel to vent their negative emotions in intimate relationships, such as talking to friends, eating and watching movies, and communicating with psychological counselors.
These second channels not only vent your emotions, but also cheer you up. Just like returning to a relationship after you are fully charged, it will be more conducive to building a safe fortress. It is effective to resist the hidden hatred of not doing it in a short time, but when this negative emotion in your heart is very strong, it will continuously increase your impulse to vent your dissatisfaction.
It is not impossible to press hard, but it will feel uncomfortable and consume a lot of energy. Moreover, it is inevitable that sometimes I can't help it and will regret it for a long time. The best way is to deal with your dissatisfaction and anxiety from the heart. Pull the emotions that were originally in your subconscious but you didn't know to the conscious level, so that you can stop the impulse of anxiety constantly superimposed on you and let you resist.
Every time I send a message or do something else, I always expect the other party to give you an immediate response, an immediate reply. I always check my mobile phone from time to time to see if he has replied. There seems to be a point where I can't help sending another message. As a guide, what is the purpose of doing this? I don't think it's just because they will reply to you, right? In fact, whatever you do, your real purpose is clear. You want them to cooperate with you and meet your needs.
Then you need to realize that whether the other party replies or not, whether it cooperates or not, you must never take it seriously. No matter what you do, in the process of guidance, you have consciously put yourself at a disadvantage, so the less the other person cooperates with you, the stronger your sense of insecurity. You will subconsciously doubt and feel frustrated about "Does ta dislike me?". . The result of this anxiety accumulation is the emotional explosion of old scores. When you can bring this subconscious idea to the level of consciousness, so that your's love relationship is in a balanced position, you can stop the anxiety impulse from constantly overlapping on you, and fundamentally eliminate the negative emotions accumulated in your heart.
(3) Breakthrough in getting along.
You can try to talk with the other person's rhythm and what you are interested in. As long as this is done, gradually they will take the initiative to open their hearts. Avoidant attachment has limited contact with others, but it is not completely divorced from contact with others. In the case of avoidance, hobbies play a window role between them and the outside world. Therefore, when they establish a stable attachment form, common interests and hobbies are very important. When they feel that their partner is also interested in their love, they will take the first step to improve their intimate relationship with others. As a partner, even if they have hobbies, you cannot absolutely support and understand them. You just need to show respect and listen when they share, and you can improve mutual trust.