Everyone has their own future.
We just don't know what we want.
one
I lay in bed in a daze, watching the lightning outside the window turn night into day, listening to the thunder generated by the friction between positive and negative charges between clouds and the ground in the atmosphere. I didn't blink, I don't want to blink, and I don't want to blink. I am very annoyed now.
It is raining harder and harder. I got up and closed the window.
I turned on the desk lamp and found that the desk next to the window was wet, including my textbooks and teaching AIDS.
It doesn't matter if I get wet. Anyway, I'm really going to graduate now. These messy things are of little use. I'm too lazy to tear it up, break it up, sell it, burn it and vent it.
Then I found the bodies of several mosquitoes that had just been swept in by the wind and rain lying unharmed on the table. Maybe summer is like this. Storms come and go quickly. When you leave, don't forget to leave something to prove that it has been here and existed.
I saw a mosquito's foot still moving. I covered it with a tissue mercilessly and crushed it to death. In fact, my whole life is like being beaten to death. In fact, in this society, it is not cruel, but people think too much.
Yeah, that's right I'm just a child, a minor child. I still have a beautiful dream and a bright future. I'm only fourteen years old, and I have one month and one day left. Why lose to reality for a long time? I just comforted myself, and then took out a tissue to wipe the table.
This summer will soon pass.
two
Just finished the last subject of the senior high school entrance examination, the pointer of the watch also points to six o'clock. A large crowd gathered at the school gate. I said I would wait until they left.
I did badly in the exam, not just average. I could have helped myself get high marks on weekdays, but I did poorly in both arts and sciences. I don't think I can even reach the grid. I said to Chang Xia, I can't accompany you into No.1 Middle School, and we can't realize our dreams together. I will be reluctant to part with you.
She didn't say anything. I believe she understands me.
When I went back, my mother said that she had just talked with Chang Xia on the phone. Chang Xia said that she was sure to be admitted to No.1 Middle School. I may not even go to high school. Chang Xia said I could have worked harder. Then my mother began to be sad and scold me.
I shed a few tears and said nothing. I just feel like a loser.
In the face of the first selection in the country, I became a knockout.
My dad said that he would never care about me again, and I could stay up all night and watch the World Cup with him. If you don't get into high school, stay at home and wash dishes and clothes. I still have food for me before I'm eighteen. He smiled at me when he said this, which made me feel uncomfortable, even a little disgusting. How ironic!
He said, I won't spend money on my studies in the future. If I study, I will study. If not, I won't study. He studied in a key class for three years and spent tens of thousands of dollars, but high school was still a problem, which became a lesson in his memory. He said I couldn't expect to publish a book in the future. He and my mother will work hard these years to earn some money for their old age.
He said that I was obviously not cut out for reading but forced me to study. Now he is relieved. In the future, I will never raise it for nothing. I want to wash my own clothes, eat my own dishes and do housework, or he will do it. Raise me to eighteen, let me go to work and hang out by myself.
Then I began to feel confused about my future. I'm just beginning to think about what I will be like in the future and what path I will take. I began to admire those who made changes on their own. I don't understand how they got together. Once I closed my eyes and wanted to walk into the gate of No.1 Middle School side by side with Chang Xia, and then I was very excited. But all I can think of now, all I can think of in my mind, is just a lump of black line with fur balls, which is intertwined and inextricably linked, becoming more and more chaotic.
According to my years of experience, I understand now that anything I fantasize and plan will never come true. So at first, I had a little fantasy about getting into high school, and I immediately convinced myself to give up. I'm afraid to think about it now. After all, the future that has been predicted and planned cannot be called the future.
three
There will be a tea party in class tomorrow.
My dad said, how dare you go? Then he slapped himself twice. He said he couldn't bear to hit me, so he had to hit himself.
I'm really sorry. I seldom use this sad time to describe my mood.
But I'm still unwilling. I haven't said goodbye to my dear friends one by one. My classmates have finished their books and haven't given them yet. I haven't had time to post my graduation present. They have been hidden in the big drawer of my room, and I haven't had time to receive the gifts prepared by everyone. Oh, and graduation photo. Like where you will go, it's not that serious, just unwilling. I know I'm so pretentious and melodramatic.
In just a few hours, I was fed up with the beauty of heaven and the crying of hell.
Is the batter out? I just don't understand why I'm like this. I should have been admitted to a key high school, continued to live the life of a young lady, let my temper roar with dissatisfaction, and my family treated me like a Buddha.
But now my dad says it's not the same thing that you didn't do well in the exam. You're not suitable. You'd better be a good person. You have too much bad temper, you must change it.
Dramatic fate. I want to open it. If I live so smoothly, my bad temper will be deeply rooted in my body and it will be difficult to change. How to enter society in the future? Now this society is a fucking reality, damn it.
Hmm. I heard the family next door beating gongs and drums and singing funeral songs early this morning. My mother said that I never get tired of listening to this song. Let their hearts die. Kind of ironic.
It's three forty-eight. We should go to school at three o'clock in the afternoon. It's been over 48 minutes now. Then I was sad again, and then I became more and more sad. Chang Xia called me.
I told her that I was fine, I didn't really want to go out, and my home was so comfortable. Suddenly I don't want to go.
She begged me not to do this on the other end of the phone. She said something must have happened to my family again.
I am serious. It's nothing. Don't guess. Then my nose got sore.
After hearing what I said, she also cooperated with me, pretending that such an optimistic person has nothing to be sad about.
I nodded and said yes, and then realized that she couldn't see the other end of the phone.
The fool grabbed the mobile phone from her hand and asked my parents if they had treated me again. It was just a mid-term exam, as for it.
My confidante Lan Yan, he is really easy to stand and talk. I hung up the phone.
Then the phone rang again. I said, where did you get so many calls? It's Danny. Dandan is my deskmate, a slim girl. She asked me why I hadn't come yet. Everyone gives me presents. They are all on my desk. Strange. Our usual relationship is not as good as my relationship with Chang Xia, but I felt very sad the moment she said this. What a nice word. Very sad.
A picture comes to my mind: an empty table full of gifts. Then I cried. I'm sure she can hear me crying in my voice. I really don't want to graduate like this, especially since I can't go to the last party. I cried. No adulteration.
I said, I'm sorry Actually, I have a present, too. It's in the drawer of my room.
She said that she really doesn't care.
It's 4: 05. I don't know when everyone will leave. I don't know if I have the courage to get up and change and run to school now. But I know I really don't want to leave a blank in my memory, especially when I haven't even got my diploma yet.
four
I had a nosebleed last night.
I forgot what dream I had, but I felt my cold nose was uncomfortable in the dream. I thought kicking the quilt in the middle of the night had a cold and a runny nose.
I just found out this morning. Well, it's a nosebleed.
There are some blood scabs on hands, quilts and around nose. Originally, my period came but didn't come, but all these people who shouldn't have come came.
My dad came to my room to wake me up and asked me if I got my diploma and graduation photo yesterday, and if there was any discussion among my classmates about my grades.
I nodded first, then shook my head. I think his attitude towards me has softened a lot today. On the other hand, my mother doesn't watch TV or play computer all day. She sat in the hall on the second floor and embroidered her cross stitch. Embroidered and embroidered, you burst into tears-cross stitch is a picture of "home and everything". Actually, I don't think it is at all.
My mother doesn't talk to me now, and she doesn't even eat at my table. Maybe seeing me reminds me of those sad things about my disappointing. Then Lacrimosa.
Finally, I also had a resistance to these things. Finally, I also know that I can do well and endure everything well before I have a chance to change my bad appearance. Finally, I don't want to talk about these things anymore. Let me make room to talk about our tea party yesterday.
five
I stabbed my flip-flops and rushed out. As I'm not going out, I washed all my five pairs of shoes at once this morning. I rushed out carrying my big schoolbag. I'm afraid that if I'm too late, they'll all leave.
Danny was very surprised and excited when he saw me. She said, I thought you wouldn't come. I smiled at her feebly. That fool brought me a present. It turned out that the "big gift" he promised me hundreds of years ago was an ugly hairpin for one or two or three dollars. He said: "The small gift is not a tribute, but I still hope to accept it." This makes me look down on him. But I am still happy to laugh mercilessly with them.
I took out presents from my schoolbag for everyone. There are no fools or people who are always in summer, although they all give me good things. I don't think it's necessary to reciprocate. I have always lived with them in my heart, and I believe they understand.
And I didn't have any extra time at that time, so I ran directly to school.
Everyone says they don't know what children of our generation are thinking. In fact, we didn't feel anything, and we were raised silently by our parents. Occasionally read novels, play games and watch Korean dramas to pass the boring time. I thought about it for a long time. I can't be so depraved. I will regret it. Sure enough, I regretted it. All right. Let's not talk about it for the time being. Tell me about fools.
As I said, we used to read novels, play games and watch Korean dramas at most. Reading novels is something that both men and women are willing to do. Playing games is generally for boys, and watching Korean dramas is for girls. This is virtually classified. But I just don't understand, fool, how can a young man like watching Korean dramas when he is well-developed in all aspects, and it's not good at all? When he rushed to me and handed me the hairpin, I really suspected that this fellow was possessed by Korean dramas. He is not Huang Taijing, and I can't be tall and beautiful. His "tall and handsome man" is the girl sitting behind me. Let's ignore her.
I smiled at him "Hehehe", and the laughter was so sad that even I felt so unnatural. I said, ah! What a lovely hairpin! I really like it!
Then I saw that he gave me an eternal little finger to show my strong contempt. He patted me on the head, so don't fucking say what you don't want to say.
I smiled, but thank you all the same. Well, I smiled at him, my confidante.
Later, everyone brought me a lot of classmates' records to write. I looked up and looked around. Everyone is also working hard to write, which is a bit interesting before the exam. But I don't want to write too much after being weather-beaten, but I still can't help but write hard for nearly half an hour. I think this damn yearbook ruined the atmosphere. Everyone is busy writing yearbooks, forgetting the sadness of parting and crying. I always feel that there should be tears at this time. Chang Xia came to me and I waved to her. Hello. But she may not have heard my word "hi". She said, I'm not leaving. I'm too lazy to explain too much. I said you stand up.
She said, but I'm leaving soon. I replied "Oh".
Shouldn't you show something?
I waved goodbye to her. I thought her facial expression was stiff, but I didn't pay much attention to her either. I'm afraid I'll get too close to her, and I'll cry. Nobody cried, so why should I cry? I've become less and less spineless recently. Everyone once said that six million dollar man had died long ago, and I don't want to cry at Chang Xia again, which will make her feel bad.
She said, can you give me a hug? I put down my pen and hugged her. I like to hug her slender waist. Although the height difference between her and me is about three or four centimeters, I still like it. I am used to standing on tiptoe with my chin against her shoulder. She always holds me tenderly as if she doesn't exist. But when I was held by her, I always felt an indescribable sense of security. She just gently put her hand on my arm.
Memories of the happy times in the past suddenly flooded into my mind, and all my little emotions and self-esteem suddenly became insignificant. I cried and cried my eyes out.
Originally, I was not going to tell Chang Xia what I was like at home, because she shared too many heavy things with me, and I didn't want her to be so tired with my baggage. But I told her anyway. I hate myself, what a fucking bitch.
Everyone thought I gave up for parting, and they all came to comfort me and let me go. It was nothing at first, but the more people said that, the more I cried, just like a child who fell down and saw no one around, he would get up and pat his ass and leave. Nothing happened, but once someone was around, they would cry and say it hurt. I feel so hypocritical.
It rained when I went back. Chang Xia dragged me under someone else's roof and I ignored her. When crossing the street, he shouted at me: It will be all right soon. After all, they are your parents.
Yes, it is my parents. I know they are good for me. But I'm just sad Guess what? I'm sorry.
six
My hair has grown a lot and is very thick. Pile it on your shoulders like a mop, it's hot.
I stepped out of the rubber band to tie it. As a result, I saw my mother crying there and said nothing.
I'm really afraid that if I stay at home for two months, she will get tired of embroidery at home and lead to schizophrenia. I invited her to dinner and she ignored me, which made me sad. I wanted to cheer up for the next day, but I was depressed when I saw them like this, and I couldn't figure out what to do next anyway.
Somehow, I was sleepy in the afternoon. Sleep with a pillow when you are sleepy and wake up on time two hours later.
The first thing I did when I got up was to tiptoe to the door to see if my fragile mother was still crying. As a result, I only saw the empty living room.
My dad said she went out to play. That's good.
But her heart was scattered until 9: 30 in the evening. I asked her if she could relax and go to the river. The floods are terrible these days. I'm not cursing her, really. I'm worried. I kept asking my dad to call her and ask him why he didn't answer. I know she doesn't want to see me at all, and she doesn't want to hear my voice. I'm worried about her. After all, I spilled glass slag on her chest and stepped in. After all, she is my nervous mother. I'm an asshole, son of a bitch.
In fact, time flies quickly, but people have different moods and feelings. But even though I have just experienced heaven and hell, I still feel that time passes quickly. Even if you really can't find anything to do, just look up at the sky, time can still pass quickly.
I lay in bed with my eyes wide open. I said I didn't want to blink.
I heard the sound of "banging" from next door. I asked: What are you doing?
Then I turned on the light and went to their room.
My father plays cards in front of the computer, with a mouse in one hand and an empty hand knocking on the wall opposite my room.
I said, why? Then I saw my mother lying in bed with a tissue in her hand, with a runny nose and tears. For a moment, I felt that she was much older. She is no longer the beautiful woman who always smiles. Fifteen years left an indelible mark on her body and mind. Yeah, that's right All she has left now is a wrinkled, haggard and aged face.
My dad said, tell your mother. She can't help crying all the time. You'll lose your mind.
I leaned against the door and didn't know what to say. I heard her talking, and her voice was a little hoarse. She only threw me one word: go. She doesn't bother to compose anything at the back, like those exclamation points and so on. I added that period myself. The voice was horribly calm. Then I closed the door and left. She said "go" instead of "roll". I hope she will let me go. She has no strength to be angry with me. I thought the same thing.
Lie back in my bed with your eyes closed. I want to find a sense of reality in this dark night, because everything that happened before caught me off guard. They are so sudden, like a dream.
But I really can't find anything that can be related to the word "true" except the insects outside the window. Oh, it turns out that the funeral songs in that family have long since stopped singing, and I just found out. It's so quiet now.
I don't know what to think now.
seven
Being under house arrest these days, I have to start slowly rummaging through a lot of books in the bookcase that I have never read. I began to see Mr. Lu Xun, whom I had always been bored with. I began to watch Wang Shuo, Yu, Zhang Ailing, Xu Zhimo and so on. I think I have to thank my parents. How many books do I have to read these days?
I told Chang Xia that I recently read Lu Xun's book, which was greatly influenced.
She said, then you must learn to shout.
I said, what if I call myself crazy?
Don't worry, I won't eat you. She smacked her lips on the other end of the phone, and then all the muscles left in your physical training burst out at that moment, and then you, a stronger woman, can contribute to the national sports cause. I said "go to hell" to her, and then hung up rudely.
Actually, I don't think there is anything wrong with shouting. Maybe I should learn from my husband and travel around. Then I thought I was going crazy.
Thinking for a whole week. This summer vacation is so long that it will take about one and a half months. What should I do for the next month and a half? I will face my mother's face soaked with tears every day, and I think I will really go crazy. So I collected some clothes in my bag and paid tribute to Mr. Xu Zhimo with my only 22 yuan. I had a deep play.
"I want to leave gently."
"When I come softly"
"I waved my hand gently."
A Farewell to Clouds in the Western Heaven
Where can I buy 22 dollars? I can stay in an internet cafe that I haven't been to before for a few days. You can also find Chang Xia or a fool to help me deal with it. Maybe I can go out with Danny. Anyway, Danny's parents are not at home all summer, and I don't care about her. I can follow her to this classmate's house for dinner, and then go to that classmate's house to live. There are many roads.
I looked at their door, and my mother may be crying again now.
Do not laugh at me. No matter how mature and smart I am, I am just a child. I can't stand the cold eyes of my parents. I think maybe they will be anxious when I leave, and they will come to me when they are anxious. The feeling of regret will be greater than sadness. When they find me, they will treat me as well as before.
Chang Xia is also a child, and she thinks so.
"I don't know when you will touch the computer again. I haven't cultivated this tacit understanding for three years. I still feel a little sorry. But at the moment, I'm going through what you went through.
The entrance examination of No.1 Middle School the other day. Yes, I did badly in the exam. I failed to enter the key class.
I'm very sad these days. I didn't feel that way when I comforted you. I just think: well, everything will be fine soon. Now it seems that those comforting words are piling up, and you are not qualified to say them. Now I want to say that I understand you.
In fact, we are still the same.
Do you know that?/You know what? Do you know that?/You know what? I think maybe if I leave, they will be anxious. When they are anxious, they will come to me, and their regrets will outweigh their sadness. When they find me, they will treat me as well as before. So I slipped out. I am now working in an Internet cafe, which operates without a license and allows minors to enter the black Internet cafe. I think I'll go back in a few days.
Long summer "
I saw the message Chang Xia gave me and her new MSN signature. She said, what should I pursue?
I don't know why I laughed after reading these. Because of her troubles, I am open-minded.
Everyone's goals are different. My goal is No.1 Middle School, and the goal of Changchun is the key class. But we all have the same expectations for the future, don't we?
"No one is born stupid and unfilial. No parents don't want their children to succeed. You should think so. But in the end, they always love children, and they want us to be good. So are your parents.
Do you remember? The old man and the sea. You lent me this book. Man is not made for defeat. A man can be destroyed, but not defeated. Although this is the spirit we often mention, have we really done it? But in any case, you should at least be willing to believe in it and do better and stronger under its guidance. Even if you don't go to the end the first time and you don't succeed the second time, you should do better every time you try. You must do it with your heart, even if you can't do it that well.
Just because you are lost or in the abyss doesn't mean you will stay there forever. Since you walked in by yourself, you should know how to get out. It doesn't matter, because there will always be a lamp hidden behind a door, and there will always be a beam of light to guide you, but in the end it depends on whether you want to come out or not. 、
You must know yourself clearly first. Some things are often just thinking without action. We never know what the result will be, and our interface can't change or replace anything.
Put down unnecessary things. Don't cry, sadness will become strength.
I hope you are well, and I hope we are all well.
I love you. Honey. "
eight
I sent her such a long paragraph and felt ridiculous. This accent makes me look like a homeless poet. Alas, alas, alas
If I don't look at the recipient, I will still feel that I wrote this to myself. I smiled at the computer screen.
The scene that happened later was a bit confusing, and it was hard for me to say clearly. I was pretending to be a homeless poet.
Anyway, I was taken to the police station.
I forgot to mention, at first I also went to the Internet cafe, the kind of black Internet cafe that allows minors to enter without a license.
Recently, there should be some media reports that minors enter internet cafes and so on, so the difference is particularly strict. I saw my usual summer in a corner of the police station. We smiled at each other across a hall.
Nine {Future}
What happened afterwards?
Later they called their parents and were taken home.
I called her home that night. She said, I was beaten. I said me too.
She also said that this was the first time her father had hit her. I said me too.
What happened afterwards? Later, her father spent some money to get her into a key class.
My dad also spent some money to get me into a key high school.
A month later, my period came as scheduled. Just more special.
Then I knew it was over. A new life is about to begin again.
We will never argue about that dream again, because we all seem to understand the truth that "the dream we are talking about is just a dream".
We should fight for ourselves and the future from now on.
Everyone has a future, good or bad. We can only try our best to make this future better now. But in any case, we can't be defeated by reality.
Man is not made for defeat. A man can be destroyed, but not defeated.