With the increasing pressure of social survival, do you often feel anxious about life? So do you want to know the root of your anxiety about life?
Why do parents put so much pressure on their children?
Dr. Xu Haoyuan said that the simplest explanation is that parents pass on their anxiety to their children. Parents, especially mothers, are stagnant in their own growth and have great anxiety about whether they can adapt to society. However, they did not solve the problem through their own growth, but pinned more hopes on their children. As a result, the children were under double pressure.
Parents, don't pass on their anxiety to their children.
? Parents want their children to be well, but they often don't know what to do. ? Dr. Xu Haoyuan said: The most common thing is that they do not consider their children's psychological needs, but design their lives for their children from their own psychological needs. As a result, they educate their children out of love, but in the end they develop non-love behaviors that constrain their growth. ?
? Can you give an example? I asked.
Hearing this simplest question, Dr. Xu, who is in his fifties, suddenly choked up. She told a story in tears. The true story that makes her cry every time? ：
Xiao Gang (a pseudonym, the same below), a pupil, suddenly committed suicide by jumping off a building. He left a suicide note to his parents, saying that he felt that no matter how hard he tried, he could not meet their expectations and he was very tired. Mom and dad often say they are disappointed in him. He didn't want to disappoint his parents again, so he thought of death. Before committing suicide, he smashed his piggy bank and left the pocket money he had saved for several years to his parents. He said that when he left, mom and dad wouldn't have to work so hard. If he doesn't leave enough money, mom and dad can add some money. Why don't you go and play by train or by boat? Don't work so hard. ?
Recalling this, Dr. Xu couldn't help crying. She said, Xiaogang loves his parents so much that he wants them? Why don't you go and play by train or by boat? Stop trying so hard, okay? This is actually his own greatest yearning. He thinks this is the best thing, he can't do it himself, but he hopes his favorite parents can do it.
Xiaogang's psychological mechanism is projection. He wants to do one thing most, but if he can't get it, he wants his favorite parents to get it. He pinned his wishes on his parents. In fact, parents' expectations of their children are often projections. They have all kinds of psychological needs, but they don't realize them through their own efforts, but expect their children to realize them. Children are their favorite people, and their realization is like their own realization.
? What kind of psychology is this? Children don't worry, parents worry? Root cause. ? Dr. Xu said: Parents can't meet their psychological needs, but they pass the psychological pressure on to their children. ?
Pass one: give all your energy to your child. Are you all with your mother? Force your son to succeed? Young bald head?
Mrs Dong's daughter Rong Rong is a sophomore, and now she doesn't do any housework. Mrs. Dong didn't use it on purpose. At first, Mrs. Dong also asked Rong Rong to do some housework, but as long as Rong Rong shirked it, her mother could not help doing it herself. For example, watching her daughter's dirty clothes pile up at home, if she doesn't wash them, Mrs. Dong will feel distressed. You'll feel better only if you wash it. The apparent reason is that it conforms to one's own hygiene habits. But another important reason is that she saved the study time on Daughter's Day.
Doing everything possible to save her daughter's reading time has become Mrs. Dong's initial psychological need. Why is this happening? Because subconsciously, she feels anxious about social changes and feels that she can't adapt to the fierce competition now. But she didn't have the courage to improve herself, so she secretly hoped that her daughter could be admitted to a famous university and compete in society? Occupy the commanding heights? And I have a great sense of accomplishment.
So, if she has the energy, she will do it to her daughter, not to herself.
This psychological transfer mechanism is more common in mothers. But Mrs. Dong's practice is very common, and some mothers' practice has reached the extreme.
For example,? Middle school Chinese teaching resource network? An article called "So? Peiyou? The article "heartbreaking" tells a strange phenomenon: in Wuhan, some mothers spend all their spare time with their children to participate in various activities? Peiyou class? Besides work, they are always with their children, leaving them without a moment's leisure. They must go all out to improve their competitiveness. This article was written by a father. He wrote:
My son has been forced by his mother since the third grade of elementary school? Peiyou? Never had a weekend. For six years, his wife sent him to prison? Peiyou class? Not less than 30. The son laughed at himself as a man who can't see the sun. He leaves at 6 o'clock in the morning and has a rest at night1/kloc-0. His voice is often not heard at eight or nine in the evening. At first glance, he leaned back on the bed, drooling and sleeping soundly, and the book in his hand fell to the ground, which made people feel distressed!
My son grew a few white hairs in the fifth grade, and I didn't care at that time. After junior high school, my son has more and more white hair. Now he looks like a little old man? We were worried that our child would get sick, so we took our son to many hospitals, western medicine and Chinese medicine. The doctor concluded that the child was under too much mental stress. According to the doctor's advice, I bought my son walnuts and black sesame seeds to eat, but my son's white hair is still there.
Every morning at 6 o'clock, the wife wakes her son up on time to review his lessons. Even when going to the bathroom for breakfast, the wife wants her son to recite a few more words. My son goes to primary school and finishes school at 5: 30 every afternoon. My wife took her son directly from Hanyang to Wuchang at the school gate, at 6 o'clock? Peiyou class? . On the bus, the wife carries rice in one hand and water in the other. Son, in the car after dinner? Peiyou class? Yes When he comes home from class at 9 pm, his son will finish the homework assigned by the school teacher.
Moreover, such mothers have become a group and they exchange information with each other. Which one have you heard of? Peiyou class? Ok, let's tell each other and sign up the children.
These? Are you all with your mother? Spend all your spare time? Improve children's abilities? Although it has obvious negative effects, it still refuses to stop. Why is this happening? The simplest explanation is that this is extreme? Do it on children when you are energetic? They seem to be for their children, but deep down they are anxious that they can't adapt to society.
Dr. Xu said: many mothers have stopped growing at all. Can they not be anxious? But instead of trying to grow up, they put all the pressure on their children. They say it's love, but you're welcome to say that they are conveying anxiety. ?
Chuan 2: release? Ideal self? Imposed on children, intellectuals asked them to go up a flight of stairs.
In the previous transfer mode, if one parent stops growing, will it? Improve competitiveness? The pressure is completely passed on to the child. But there are still some parents who have not stopped growing up, but their children have become their tools to prove themselves, not another person who has grown up independently. Only when children succeed can they have face. If children can't excel, they will feel humiliated.
Xu, a famous educator, said that she found working mothers very satisfied with their children's development. They said that my son studied well and wanted to go to college. My daughter's grades are not very good, but she has dreams and will definitely have a future. But? Knowledge mom? Children's standards are generally harsh, because they are not comparing whether their children have been admitted to universities, but whether they have been admitted to Tsinghua, Peking University and Harvard.
This is a kind of? Ideal self? With what? Who you really are? Gap problem. ? Ideal self? Better than what? Who you really are? Higher floor, worker's mother's? Ideal self? It may be to become an intellectual, and children only need to reach this level. But? Knowledge mom? The ideal self is higher, and children must reach this level to be satisfied. But in many ways, the starting line of children in workers' families and knowledge families is the same. Children from knowledge families have no advantage over children from workers' families, but they are under greater pressure from their parents.
A mother complained that she had listened to many lectures and read many educational books, hoping that her daughter could learn painting, English, dance and music, so she bought a house near the Children's Palace. Although this house is not very good, it is also very expensive. But after entering middle school, she found that her daughter's grades got worse. She? Omnidirectional? The design failed, and my daughter became particularly disobedient. I paid so much, why did I get this result? Mother is in pain.
Xu believes that what do these parents actually think of themselves unconsciously? Creditors? Even force children? Pay off debts? , thus standing on the opposite side of the child, family relations become like? Creditors? And then what? Debtor? Due to nervousness, such a family environment is not conducive to the growth of children.
Transfer 3: Children are the objects to achieve goals, educators? Perfect education? Forcing a child to commit suicide
Dr. Xu Haoyuan also said that the parents of some Kochi families are under extremely heavy pressure. She knew that there were two families whose parents were professors of education, but their children committed suicide.
One of the parents is a teacher at Normal University. They designed a set for their children? Perfect? The route requires children to develop in strict accordance with the route. Children are not bad when they are young, but the bigger they are, the more problems they have. I didn't get into a key university in the first college entrance examination. At the request of his parents, he took the re-examination the next year. Just the day before the exam results were announced, he committed suicide by jumping off a building for fear that he would not be admitted to the key university required by his parents. Unfortunately, after the results were announced, his scores exceeded the admission scores of key universities.
Dr. Xu said that the parents of this child, as professors of education, obviously could not tolerate it? Your own. Children's education is unsuccessful? Such a result. Because in their view, this result is undoubtedly a mockery and denial of their profession.
Jewish philosopher Martin? Buber divides relationships into two types:? Me and you? 、? Me and it? . What are the characteristics of the former? Me? Think of each other as people who are completely equal to me. What are the characteristics of the latter? Me? Use another person as an object or tool to achieve a goal. No matter how great the goal is, when one person regards another person as an object or a tool, what is this relationship? Me and it? The relationship.
According to this theory, what is the relationship between these two education professors and their children? Me and it? Because children have become the experimental objects of their educational theory. The child is an independent person with his own psychological needs and personality, but these two education professors, what else? Are you all with your mother? Similarly, they all forget this, and they impose their dreams on their children.
Chuan 4: Beating children to vent their emotions. Beating is kissing, scolding is love? The subconscious is not great.
Xiaolong failed in the Chinese exam, and his father beat him up and told Dr. Xu: We love such children very much. I hit him for his own good. At this rate, he won't even find a decent job in the future. what can I do? Beating is pro, scolding is love, why don't I beat the neighbor's children?
But what about the result of love? Xiaolong's Chinese performance has not improved, and he also has a sense of disgust for Chinese classes. Obviously, Xiaolong can't stand his father? Love? .
But is this really love? Dr. Xu said, yes, but it won't happen again. Consciously, Xiaolong's father is for love, but subconsciously, his father can vent his negative emotions suppressed in other places by hitting his children.
She said that parents must learn to ask themselves. Have I really considered the psychological needs of children? Have I passed on my psychological needs to my children?
For example, Xiaolong's father did something like this: Xiaolong clamored to buy a pair of expensive Nike shoes, which would cost his father half a month's income, but Xiaolong's father gritted his teeth and bought it anyway. Why are you doing this? Because he saw the neighbor's child wearing a pair of Nike shoes, if his son didn't, he would lose face. Letting my son wear brand-name shoes seems to meet the needs of children, but in fact it meets the vanity of being a father.
Some parents, when violence doesn't work for their children, will point the finger at themselves and do some extreme things of self-harm. ? Middle school Chinese teaching resource network? There is an article in the newspaper: one in Chongqing? Looking for a woman to become a phoenix? Dear teacher Zhang, in order to pay? Do not change after repeated education? A little daughter? Color? Look, I cut off my left little finger with a kitchen knife. Seeing her father's blood, her daughter panicked, knelt on the ground and slapped her face hard to apologize to her father. The 45-year-old father said: My daughter has been spoiled since childhood. Although she is 16 years old, her psychological age may be only 12 years old. Really can't. I can only do this. ?
Why is parental transfer easy to succeed?
During the interview, Dr. Xu lamented several times:? Why are parents so forgetful? Have they completely forgotten their childhood wishes and feelings? Have they forgotten the depression and pain controlled by their parents? Why do they put more pressure on their children now that they are parents?
She analyzed that this is because of two reasons:
First, personal reasons. Parents are conveying their anxiety. They are worried that they can't keep up with the pace of society and are eliminated by society, but they lack room for growth, so they put all the pressure of growth on their children.
Second, social reasons. Modern society is really insecure, which seriously increases parents' anxiety.
In a forum, the second reason can be seen everywhere. A mother said, I can't do it without forcing. In the face of fierce competition, only? Starting with dolls? You can't let your child lose at the starting line.
But these two reasons are always combined. A mother said that both of them were laid-off workers, but they still gritted their teeth and sent their children to education. Since the second grade, I have sent my children to excellent classes: Chinese, mathematics, foreign languages, martial arts, art and music. There are more than a dozen. I spent more than 20 thousand yuan back and forth. I hope he will have a decent job when he grows up and will not be laid off.
We used to be in the same boat, not talking about competition. At present, we are more competitive than western society, and further studies seems to be the only competitive route. Most families pin their hopes on this route, only success, not failure. At first, it was just the pressure of the college entrance examination. Later, the pressure of the senior high school entrance examination increased, and now the difficulty of the senior high school entrance examination in some places has exceeded that of the college entrance examination. Slowly, the pressure has penetrated into primary schools, kindergartens and even prenatal examinations. The game starts with dolls? .
Children are very concerned about their parents' emotions.
Dr Xu has given lectures in dozens of middle schools. Every time at the end, she would ask the child:? Who do you want to attend my lecture most? Children answer almost the same every time? Dad! ? Mom! ?
Teachers and parents are two chains that directly deal with children in exam-oriented education, but why do children almost only want parents to listen to psychologists?
Dr. Xu said that because children care not about learning, but about love. The core of teacher-student relationship is learning. And the core of parent-child relationship is love. Parents think that the way to love children is to let them study hard, and children know that grades and love are equal.
In the letters received by reporters, many middle school students mentioned? Only when I get good grades will my parents praise me. ? Only when I study well will my parents give me a good face. ? The child drew an equal sign between learning and love. They know that only by studying hard can they win the love of their parents.
Not only that, children also love their parents. Just like the schoolboy who committed suicide mentioned in the article, how much he loved his parents. Dr. Xu said that children are more like sensitive psychologists than adult parents. Parents only consider their own survival, but they are particularly concerned about their parents' emotions and are very sensitive to their parents' psychological changes. They can easily turn around their parents' emotions, and parents will control their children with their emotions intentionally or unintentionally.
A male college student posted on Dr. Xu's website that he is now? I can't do what I want. If I do, not only will my parents be unhappy, but I will also be unhappy? . Why is this happening? In Dr. Xu's online consultation, he said a sentence that originated in middle school. At that time, he wanted to climb a barren hill next to Mount Tai, and his parents strongly opposed it. He worked for a long time, and his parents finally agreed. He had a good time climbing the mountain and returned home unscathed. But when he came back, he found that his parents were still unhappy and didn't ask a word of concern. From then on, he vowed never to do anything to upset his parents again. For example, he doesn't want to go to this university, but it is his parents' wish. He came to please his parents.
What is the fun of children's learning? Pass?
Parents control their children by transferring pressure and let them develop according to their own design. They got what they wanted, but, Dr. Xu said, it would lead to a series of psychological problems.
First, it intensifies the children's learning pressure. A senior three class teacher said that her graduating classmates all said that the most feared thing in college was mom's nagging. Moreover, children are not only under double or triple pressure. Because parents are not parties, they can't really feel the pressure of children's study, so putting pressure on children is easy to get out of control. Like that? Are you all with your mother? Put pressure on her and she loses control.
Second, it infringes on children's personal space. Dr. Xu said that in parents? Close surveillance? Children who grow up in the world lack the concept of psychological boundaries. When you grow up, you are either easy to rely on others or easy to control others. Parents don't respect their personal space, and they can't learn to respect their own and others' personal space.
Third, let children form an external evaluation system. When I was young, children cared too much about their parents' comments. When he grows up, he tends to care about the comments of his classmates, teachers, bosses, colleagues and others. He lives in other people's comments all day, and does things not for his own inner needs, but for the praise of others. Dr. Xu said that a child with an internal evaluation system will enjoy learning itself, which has become the biggest motivation to motivate him to study hard. But do children who are controlled by the external evaluation system have a natural motivation to love learning? Is it? The motivation to study for parents? Instead, they will pay too much attention to others' praise and exam results in their studies, which will easily lead to exam anxiety.
The way to change: growing up with children
Is it a way to transfer pressure to children? Lose-lose? This situation is harmful to children and uncomfortable for parents. Because children are not easy to be grateful, many parents feel very sad and complain that their children are not grateful. How to change this? Lose-lose? What's the situation? Dr. Xu suggested starting with the following points:
First, give children space.
Dr. Xu said that she especially doesn't like listening to children? I am a filial child? . What is filial piety? On the one hand, filial piety means respecting parents. But many times, what does filial piety mean? Listen to your parents? .
But the parents' opinion is right. Are they mature? Dr Xu doesn't think so. She said that in fact, when parents are angry, they are often as irrational as their children, and they always ask according to past experience, but what about them? Either the requirements are unreasonable and inappropriate. Or often just to defend the authority of parents. ?
Dr. Xu said that if parents take care of their children's growth and make decisions for them, then children will not make their own decisions or think decisively at school. Only when parents leave enough personal space for their children can they develop a complete independent personality.
Second, self-growth.
Dr. Xu said that many parents are actually shaping their children according to their ideal selves, but if the real self is too far from the ideal self, the child will easily have a strong rebellious mentality when he grows up, because he will find that his parents are actually? Say one thing and do another? .
More importantly, if parents themselves are growing up, they will not easily have fear and excessive anxiety about adapting to society. Moreover, if they pay more attention to their own growth, they will not easily interfere with their children's growth.
A psychological teacher who has been counseling students for many years said that if it is only the growth of children, it is actually easy to solve. But if the children's problems are behind their parents' problems, it will be difficult to solve them unless parents make changes first. He also asserted that children's problems can't be solved if parents just look for solutions to their children's problems instead of finding their own reasons. Therefore, parents should grow up with their children, which is the best way.
Dr. Xu said that parents should understand that family is a system. If the child has a problem, it is necessary to find the relevant reasons from the parents. If we want to change children, we must change the whole family system.
Third, the way of love evolution.
Dr. Xu said that in the past, survival was prone to problems because of lack of materials, so the concentrated expression of parents' love was to sacrifice their own materials and ensure their children's material living conditions. But now, the lack of material has been in a secondary position. Parents should evolve the way of love, break away from the previous way of paying attention to material things, and pay more attention to their children's personality growth and psychological needs.
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