You are not mistaken. I just want to introduce you to the concept of "ex-girlfriend"
Many people regard their ex-girlfriend as their current girlfriend and do whatever they want, but the ex-girlfriend is a girl who has nothing to do with you for the time being. You must face up to your existing identity and boundaries before you can establish a basic comfortable relationship with each other. With comfort, normal communication can be established.
In feelings, many people regard each other as a life-saving medicine. The life-saving thing is to focus on the relationship between men and women, and to completely attach the characteristics of being accepted, recognized, believed and loved that should have evolved by oneself to a lover. Obviously, it is your own defect, but you always want to find redemption with intimacy and shirk your responsibility with feelings. This is really ridiculous. But it is often not recognized.
We big men, don't blame anyone blindly when we break up. When we men have problems in our relationships, we just need to find some "plug-ins" to solve the problems at the first time. You don't have to mourn, you don't have to mourn, you insist, there is a good chance that your sister will come back.
Let me teach you some practical chat dry goods.
Some fans left me a message saying that Chen Dage's tactics are too abstract, and I don't know what to do when you are finished. So today I'm going to tell you in detail how to talk about each step.
This is a case that I have been working on for four and a half months. Today, I have roughly sorted out some key details. You must finish reading it. Many words can be directly applied to break the ice.
The boy who wants to recover is 28 years old. He works as an ordinary civil servant in the tax bureau of a second-tier city, with a monthly salary of 7 thousand to 8 thousand. It is said that the annual salary, bonus and welfare add up to150 thousand or so. I introduced this situation because this boy said that his ex-girlfriend broke up with him because he had no money.
I asked at that time: Does she have a high income? He said that the other party was a primary school teacher, and they met each other on blind dates. Is that appropriate? Because the right eye soon fell in love, and they have lived together for a year and a half. The other party has said many times, "If the salary of civil servants is too low, and you still play games all day, when can you repay the mortgage?" Recently, there have been frequent quarrels, and the other party has proposed to break up. He felt that the other party was a realistic girl, and he broke up with him because the economic foundation was not good enough.
At the beginning, the boy couldn't see the reality clearly. He once blamed the other party for breaking up, thinking that the other party did not meet his own realistic conditions before proposing to break up. In fact, many boys have this argument, saying, "Women are very realistic. If I were Wang Sicong now, she wouldn't leave me so easily. " However, her heart ached to death. Why save a woman who worships money while cursing?
This is just an excuse for myself. Of course, material value accounts for a part of people's concept of mate selection, but as you know, emotional value is the most important factor in combining with each other. If you want to save each other, you must first change your mind, and don't deny your feelings in front of each other for emotional reasons.
For example, the love that parents oppose, can you really be together without parents? For example, a marriage without a house, can you get happiness with a house? Of course not. Every breakup has its deep-seated reasons.
This boy's situation is a typical emotional accumulation breakup.
1. From the analysis of personality characteristics:
schoolchild
The boy is the only child in the family. He has been spoiled since he was a child. His family is well-off, and his parents have a good economic foundation. He won't ask too much of his son. It is enough to be admitted to the civil service. Parents love and tolerate their children too much, which makes boys more emotional, selfish and overbearing. In an intimate relationship, he will unconsciously bring emotional negative effects to the other party. When living together, he would quarrel for two days and quarrel for three days because of trivial matters.
girl student
Focus on the personality characteristics of girls.
This girl is introverted, has a small circle of communication, and is very demanding on the details of the quality of life. When she is not satisfied, she will walk into a dead end. Such a girl is only mean to her partner, but tolerant to her colleagues and friends. In fact, she is essentially forbearing.
Girls have been brought up by grandparents since childhood. In fact, they lacked fatherly love and maternal love in childhood. In this growing environment, girls tend to form uneasy personalities and have low trust in intimate relationships. What will happen? One is that you may often doubt and doubt your partner, and the other is that you desperately grasp what you have to satisfy your sense of security.
When I lived with a boy, she would put up with many things and put up with each other's ego and emotions, but that's what people do. The deeper the relationship, the more exposed her nature and real needs.
To tell the truth, this boy's condition is quite economical and applicable, which meets the mate selection conditions of female students, but what are the fundamental needs of female students? It's a sense of security.
Boys have been spoiled since childhood, which is really childish. They seldom take the initiative to empathize with girls' thoughts. He showed a little slack, such as not washing dishes, playing games and not making progress. Restless girls will be infinitely associated, and they will be this boy's cattle and horses for the rest of their lives.
She wants the boy to make more efforts to prove that he loves himself, but neither side can find a harmonious way to communicate and solve the problem.
2. From the perspective of contradiction concentration:
Girls feel that boys don't do housework and don't understand her.
Girls think that boys are addicted to games and do not seek progress.
Girls feel that boys are not active in repaying loans and have no future plans.
If this girl is really materialistic, she won't choose the right person through blind date. When the two sides broke up, the girl's attitude was already very cold. Only that boy kept asking questions and asked her, "Do you think my conditions are not good enough?" "Are you in love with someone else?" "You think I have no future?"
The chat record is terrible. The girl didn't reply, but she hasn't blacked him out yet.
Most breakup problems stem from the inability to understand each other. This boy said a lot of self-righteous guesses because he was suddenly broken up, which is unacceptable to girls.
It is equivalent to misunderstanding each other and throwing dirty water at each other.
At first, what girls care about most is that boys can't understand why she is angry.
Girls are eager to get the guarantee of material life, and constantly urge their partners to face life positively, which is essentially due to lack of security. To put it bluntly, I don't believe that boys can give her eternal love. You must always see that life is moving forward in order to ignite more hope for yourself and think that the other person will get better and better.
The reason why she was angry was that boys could never understand her panic and where her emotions came from, and always attributed her anger to money worship, reality and other reasons, so she finally decided to break up and didn't even bother to explain.
After living together and getting to know each other, she already feels that this boy is naive, immature and responsible, and has been running in and coordinating in his own way. Disappointment accumulates again and again, and it is found that both sides can't handle contradictions well, which leads to emotional problems like snowballing.
However, from the time we broke up, the girl was still forbearing. It can be seen that she is in a great mood for that boy now and has great emotional needs. That is to say, she doesn't say anything now, as if her heart is dead and she doesn't want to say anything to you. In fact, it is precisely because she has never let go of her feelings for that boy, and it is difficult to let go of the harm that that boy has caused her. It can be said that I love and hate this boy now, and I am very angry with him and want to stay away from this man.
There are three main points to break the deadlock through chatting.
Relieve each other's emotions
Stimulate emotion
Express needs in a way acceptable to the other party.
1. Relieve each other's emotions
The other party has a lot of negative emotions now, so let's ease the other party's emotions first.
I know that male compatriots are good at coaxing girls, telling jokes when they are late, buying a bag when they are angry, and lying cheekily. However, after breaking up, all this is useless, because the negative emotions of the other party have accumulated for a long time, and all these efforts you have made have not come to the point, and it is useless no matter how hard you try.
The significance of breaking the ice with this girl lies in giving her a real understanding.
I must let the other party know that I know what my previous problem was, and I can understand your thoughts when we had conflicts before. Of course, you can't rush in and explain to each other. The first message of breaking the ice is very important. You must first pave the way for your purpose and relax the other person's guard, so that she can read your message.
It's not convenient to post each other's chat records, so I'll share some with you:
From what I said, I can actually sum up that this real understanding includes: understanding of her past mentality+understanding of her present situation+a rational foreshadowing.
An understanding of her past mood
That is, describe the reasons for the emotional changes of the other party when the main contradictions occurred in the past. For example, when we quarreled over those messy little things, I didn't consider your feelings at all. It turns out that you didn't mind those trivial things, but I lost my temper.
Know her present situation
That is to accept her decision and respect her right to vent negative emotions. For example, I know that you don't want to see me now, and I can accept that you break up with me, because I can't bear to make you angry again, and I can understand that you are in a bad mood now, so if you want to scold me, you must scold me. Don't hold it back. It's right to be angry with me like this.
Self-evident foreshadowing
That is to reassure the other party by giving in, for example, you don't have to worry that I will haunt you, I won't, I will respect your decision, and we can continue to get along as friends, just as you are helping me through the breakup period, and so on.
Usually this kind of self-incrimination is acceptable to the other party. Girls have never been black with each other. After making many such soft words and excuses to reconnect, the other party can basically communicate with boys.
But an accident happened in the middle. After breaking up, the girl moved back home and her parents saw the problem. Because it was a blind date, and we had walked around before, the girl's parents asked what was going on, and then the boy pushed all the questions on the girl, specifically telling the girl's parents that "she was going to break up with me", which caused the girl's parents to give her pressure. Then the girl's mood is repeated and continues to be cold.
At that time, boys were also panicked. When they were faced with an emergency, they didn't hold back, which destroyed their previous efforts to break the ice. In the next few days, boys sent a lot of apology messages, but they didn't get a positive response from girls. But we found a breakthrough. This girl was afraid of pressure from her parents, so I talked to a boy and went to her house to explain.
The girl replied immediately, and then the boy made a joke and made a careless eye, leading the topic to the daily chat between some friends. The girl suddenly seemed to be given a step down, without blaming each other.
If you don't know how to get to the point, you can collect more chat materials in your daily life. Think about chatting, hobbies, work, friends and new things when you are chasing girls. In short, don't talk about feelings, don't talk about getting back together in a hurry, talk for a while first, or refer to my other articles and listen to my courses.
Step 2 inspire emotions
In fact, women are more easily moved, which is part of the comfort. In the process of recovery, girls will always remember each other's past good because of the accumulation of a little touch, and their hearts will be easily shaken.
This girl works in a century-old prestigious school. Once the school held a celebration to catch up with her period (which is also the day when boys remember each other more attentively), and then the boys chatted with each other and said that it was raining at that time, and the other party was seriously unwell. Actually, people are needed at this time.
At this time, the boy was a little nervous again, but he seized the opportunity.
In fact, chatting is also very time-sensitive. If you send a message when the other party is upset, it is very likely that the other party will ignore it, but when the other party just needs someone at this time, your appearance is like a lifeline. This is an opportunity to meet the needs and create specific feelings for each other.
This is somewhat similar to the pursuit of "suspension bridge effect". Under certain circumstances, such as a rickety suspension bridge, a person's heart rate is accelerated and adrenaline is soaring because of fear of falling, so it will be considered as a heartbeat.
This girl's dysmenorrhea is a physiological factor. It seems that she got caught in the rain on the anniversary, but it is also an opportunity for this boy to keep chatting and caring. Only by grasping every opportunity, can she not miss any opportunity to impress the other party.
3. Express the demand in a way acceptable to the other party.
By the middle and late stage, the emotional state of the two people has returned to the past. During the period, the boy asked the girl to move back, but the girl refused because the boy said, "I want to sleep with you."
Of course, you will definitely have sexual needs for your ex, but if you use this demand as an excuse for invitation, as long as there is no sperm in your mind, it will be difficult for the other party to accept it.
The best way to express yourself is to consider each other's feelings and express your needs in the most acceptable way.
For example, this boy, my advice to him is, "I learned a new dish and want you to try it." In fact, inviting someone home really means something like shattered glass, but the girl agreed, because this expression of giving is more acceptable than that of taking.
When you say "I miss you very much, can you come to see me", it is better to say "I miss you, but if you don't want to see me, forget it and don't call me back".
In the process of this boy's reunion, it has actually been repeated many times. The state of both people is good and bad. It has been used for more than four months, and the final result is still good.
Sometimes it is almost impossible to get back together, but it can still make it fall short. In the final analysis, the method is still wrong. This expression varies from person to person, but the principle of "standing in the other person's perspective and making the other person feel comfortable" is unchangeable.
Sometimes your direction is fine, and you know what you are looking for, but you blow it when you open your mouth. In fact, it is your own mood and mentality.
I often say that redemption is to solve each other's emotional problems, especially in the process of breaking the ice. When the other party repeats, you must never repeat. When the other party loses his temper, you should remember the unchangeable principle, that is, take the initiative to solve the emotional problems for the other party. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this.
In my experience, love is a mutual compromise, and the process of recovery brings great growth to a person. The process of dealing with each other's emotions again and again is the process of finding your own problems. I hope each of you can be more patient and don't be afraid to repeat, because breaking the ice is only the beginning of repairing intimate relationships. The long road to recovery depends not only on chatting, but also on more efforts.
Psychological test: test the probability of getting back together after breaking up.
Have you ever thought about the possibility of getting back together after two people break up? This set of test questions helps you test the probability of getting back together after breaking up. Let's try it together.
Do you still have your ex's contact information in your mobile phone?
It's five points.
No, all 0 points have been deleted.
What is the reason why you broke up?
Due to objective reasons, the family disagreed with 1.
Long-distance love, no future 2 points.
TA thinks I have a bad temper and our personalities are incompatible. Three points
There is a third party involved in our relationship.
After our quarrel, no one would bow their heads and broke up in a rage.
I think TA has a bad temper, always complaining, and was dumped by TA for 6 points.
Of the following four statements, if you had to choose one statement that you agree with most, which one would you choose?
If a person loves another person, he should love all of TA, regardless of its advantages or disadvantages. Otherwise, it is not true love. He likes 2 points at most.
Although feelings are what you want, but it depends on people's efforts, the other person's love can also be controlled, as long as it can meet the other person's psychological needs, love can guide 4 points.
Twisted melons are not sweet. If TA doesn't want to get back together, I respect the idea of TA 1 minute.
The emotional world can never be equal, and those who want to get back together must not be stingy with their 6 points.
When you express one thing, you value it more.
The accuracy of verbal expression is 2 points.
Talking to the other person gives the other person a strong impression of 1.
Are the people around you comfortable with what you said? 6 points
The ultimate goal that words can achieve is 4 points.
What do you think are your basic emotional characteristics?
Emotional, often unable to control his temper 0 points.
Self-control ability is strong, the surface is calm, but the inner mood fluctuates greatly, and it is difficult to calm down 2 points in case of contusion.
Everything is a cloud, and it is not easy to get angry by nature. My friend praised me for my good temper by six points.
Feelings are not slow and direct, but once they are unstable, they are easily excited and angry. Three points
Did you save your ex?
I saved it, but it was rejected. I didn't save four points.
No, I don't know what the other person is thinking, so I dare not say 2 points.
I saved it several times, but the other party was very exclusive, Lahei, and I don't want to see my zero again.
I tried to talk, but the other party thought we were not suitable. Hope to find happiness 6 points.
The complete version of the test questions and answers can be obtained by private mail.
I'm Chen Yu, an emotional counselor, and I know more than you think. If you are emotionally confused, you can ask for a private letter or comment.