Because on the one hand, this concept has been recognized and accepted by the public; On the other hand, it also describes the general state of our generation of young people (especially men):
Although the physical age has reached adulthood, the psychological state still retains the characteristics of infancy, which brings troubles to people around.
In this issue, I will share with you a story about how a girl gets along with her "giant baby" husband.
Let me analyze the key plot of the story and give you some suggestions as a reader, hoping that you can gain growth strength from it.
I'm zhou wenbin. Welcome to visit.
1
"Is the game really more important than me?"
Ye Zi and her husband have been married for three months. They should be newlyweds, but she said she couldn't stand her husband and wanted to consider a divorce.
She had been in love with her husband's army for nearly three years before deciding to get married. She thought she knew all aspects of the army's personality, but after she got married, she found out that the army had a very serious problem: she was extremely addicted to computer games.
The army plays games almost freely. He often plays until three or four in the morning, and sometimes even stays up all night.
If this is the case, the leaves are not unbearable. But even worse, the game played by Dajun needs to be connected with his teammates. When he is emotional, he will make a hullabaloo about and won't control the volume at all. This will not only affect the sleep of the leaves, but also disturb the neighbors.
After repeated complaints and warnings from neighbors, property and even the police, the army did not converge at all.
Ye Zi is also aware of the seriousness of this problem, and has seriously communicated with the military many times to limit his time to play games.
When the army doesn't play games, the communication with Ye Ye is rational. He verbally promised Ye Ye not to play too late and pay attention to his volume.
At first, Ye was satisfied with the army's attitude of admitting mistakes, but he didn't expect the army to verbally promise well. But once he started the game, he put on headphones, just like a different person, emotional and irritable. Even when Ye reminded him several times, he shouted without looking back:
"Get out!"
Ye really broke his heart, persuaded and persuaded, but the behavior of the army did not change at all. He decided to seek the help of a consultant.
Ye Zi is very painful. She is 30 years old and doesn't want to give up this marriage easily. However, it is really chilling to see the 32-year-old army so immature and so indifferent to their feelings.
Listening to Ye's talk, as a man, I have a feeling of disgust in my heart. Although I occasionally play games to relax myself, I think it's really too much for Dajun to be so unrestrained at his age. But as a consultant, I know I need to adjust my mood in time and help Ye with the attitude of "everything happens for a reason".
So I tried to calm Ye's mood, advised her not to make a decision in a hurry, and discussed with me why her marriage became like this.
2
I really like him, so I am willing to tolerate and pay.
Ye Zi and Dajun both grew up in the same small city. At that time, Ye Zi was 27 years old and Dajun was 29 years old.
Both of them are only children, and they are also over-age unmarried young people in the local area. Their parents are anxious to find someone for them. So, through the introduction of the middleman, they met.
The face value of the leaves is acceptable, but the petite figure is only 155, which makes people feel like the innocent girl type. The army is studying physical education, and its height is 183. It looks tall and powerful, and it is very safe.
Ye Ziben thought that the other party would dislike being too short, so she was very serious about this blind date. I didn't expect the troops to take the initiative to be nice to her. He often waits for her to have dinner after work, gives her some small gifts from time to time, and is very attentive to her various needs. Of course, the leaves were irresistible, so the relationship was quickly determined.
She really likes the feeling of being with the army, especially when it is strong. When they are laughing and fighting, the army can always easily pick up the leaf and hold it high, or carry her on her back and run forward, making the leaf feel pampered like a little princess.
But after less than a year of love, Ye learned that the army had told him a big lie.
It turned out that the army told Ye that he was a civil servant in an institution. However, in fact, the army is not a officially established civil servant, but a contract worker.
Ye Zi was very angry when she learned about this incident, and told her parents that the whole family suddenly felt that the army was incompetent, and their character was more suspicious, and they resolutely disagreed with each other.
However, when Ye really broke up, she found herself very sad. And the army is also very sincere to retain, saying that it has made up its mind to stay with assists for a lifetime.
Faced with the constant opposition and pressure from my parents, I came up with a solution:
Let the troops be admitted to civil servants as soon as possible, so that parents will not object.
Ye Zi actually knows that an army with a sports background has no advantage in exam-oriented study, but in order to be with him, she is also determined to try her best to coach this army. She has been top student since she was a child, and she is quite confident in this respect.
In the next year or so, Ye Zi tutored and supervised the army as carefully as her mother and teacher. In fact, the army wanted to give up many times, but Ye threatened and encouraged him by breaking up. In the end, he insisted on being admitted.
On the day when the results came out, the two men jumped for joy. Ye Zi's parents saw this result. Although they were worried about the deception of the army at first, they couldn't say anything. After all, seeing that the leaves are almost 30, the marriage can no longer be delayed, so I discussed with the parents of the army to arrange the marriage.
three
Eyes blinded by love can't see his shortcomings.
However, the happy life after marriage that Ye once yearned for was gradually shattered after the two lived together. Because she found that the lifestyle of the army was very problematic.
In marriage, the army needs leaves to take care of its food, clothing, housing and transportation.
In fact, the work of the army is much more leisure than that of Ye Zi, and the working hours are also early. But every day when the troops come home from work, they just take off their clothes, shoes and socks, then throw them around and go straight into the room to play games. Many times, I don't even take the initiative to eat and drink water. If the leaves don't bring food and water to his computer desk, he may not know hunger and thirst.
What leaves can't stand even more is that after playing the game in the early morning, the army will directly get into the bed of leaves and fall asleep without taking a shower.
Ye Ziben is a clean girl. Naturally, she can't stand the army that sleeps without taking a bath, but there's nothing she can do.
On the weekend, the army played day and night, and Ye asked him out to play many times, but the army was unwilling to agree.
The inconsistency between two people's work and rest has also caused a more serious problem: little sex life.
During her love, Ye Zi was quite satisfied with the performance of Dajun in this respect. I thought they should be closer after marriage, but I don't think it is necessary for Dajun to have sex as long as he has games to play.
But the army really relies heavily on Ye Zi. Sometimes Ye Zi lets the army sleep in another room after playing games, or Ye Zi wants to ask friends out to play on weekends, but the army refuses and always wants to stay at home with her.
I asked the leaves:
"I have been in love for more than two years, haven't you noticed these bad habits on him?"
The leaves said:
"I always knew he liked playing games, but we never lived together. We usually chat with him on the phone and WeChat until about 12 in the afternoon, and he will tell me to go to bed. We spend the night together occasionally, and his behavior is normal. At other times, he was also very kind to me, and in the later period, we mainly prepared for the exam, and we didn't find any bad feelings about living with him. I didn't expect him to be like this after he got married ... "
At this point, the leaves could not help sobbing. Although, she once thought that marriage would be happy as long as the army was really good to herself, she never thought that she could not stand it soon after getting married.
Ye Zi's description of various behaviors of the army made me unconsciously think of a word: giant baby. So I learned about the situation of the army in its hometown from Ye Zi.
According to her, Dajun is the only son in the family, and his parents have been very fond of him since he was a child.
Although the army's academic performance was average since childhood, his father was very proud of this tall and strong son and often praised him in front of outsiders.
However, his father, as a local center teacher, has a very bad opinion, because he is addicted to gambling, very irresponsible to his students, and has a bad temper, and his students and parents hate him very much.
To make matters worse, he often loses his temper at home because of losing money, but he loves his son, so he usually only takes it out on his wife. The mother of the army is used to being obedient and doting on her son. She is obedient to him and spends much more time with her son than her husband, so she will go to the army for comfort every time she is wronged.
I was afraid and hated my father's army since I was a child, so I naturally relied on my mother.
Although with the growth of the army, my father beat and scolded my mother less often, but my gambling habit has not changed. I don't pay much attention to my father's praise in front of others, but I feel sorry for my mother, so I don't like to communicate with my parents since I was a child.
four
The problem is not that simple.
I asked the leaves:
"If your husband is no longer addicted to games, do you think your marriage with Dajun will be happy?"
Ye's answer is not so sure, because she also knows that even if the army is not addicted to games, he does not work hard, has no plans and ambitions for the future, or even other pursuits and hobbies, and lacks the fun of life.
Ye Zi is more thoughtful and capable, and has always planned to travel with the troops in big cities when he has no children.
But the army scoffed at Ye Zi's idea, because he thought his current job was easy and stable, so why go out to suffer?
Ye's uncertainty is very reasonable, because the army's addiction to games essentially reflects his lack of self-control, self-motivation, sense of responsibility and empathy. And it's really hard to be happy living with such a man.
According to the mainstream view, there are three points in the army that conform to the psychological characteristics of the typical "giant baby":
1.*** Students are very entangled-they need to maintain a close and dependent relationship with an object all the time and lack independence.
When the army was young, it relied heavily on its mother. Even in adulthood, it relies heavily on its mother's care and never travels far. After marriage, this dependence is transferred to the leaves, and their self-care ability is extremely poor.
2. All-round narcissism-I always feel that I am the center of the world, and I don't consider the feelings of others and lack empathy.
For example, when the army plays games, it will not consider whether it will affect neighbors and wives. On the other hand, although Dajun is not self-motivated and often makes mistakes in his work, he often privately tells Ye Zi's colleagues and bosses that they are better than himself when he is obviously incompetent, and Ye Zi often doesn't know how to respond to this.
3. Paranoia and split-they are hard to accept other people's suggestions and advice, and their stubborn opinions will not be changed easily, so their temper is also stubborn.
Ye communicated with the army to play games, and the army agreed, but in fact he would do it according to his own ideas. If he is strongly accused, he will fly into a rage When not playing games, his attitude towards leaves is still good.
five
It's not easy to be the mother of a giant baby.
After listening to my analysis, foliage is confident to go on with the troops. After all, he is in his thirties, which is really hard to change.
In fact, in a small city like theirs, most men who are a little self-motivated will choose to go to a big city, and most of them will stay like an army, but the difference is only in degree.
So I told Ye that it is almost impossible to change my husband's personality and make him stop playing games in a short time. And to accept the reality, he is not as good as he thought before. If you want to go on, you must not only be a wife and be good to the army; She is also a mother, guiding her husband to grow up in a more appropriate way.
Even though she knew it was not easy, Ye still wanted to do her best. After all, she has only been married for less than three months. So, I gave her advice from the following three general directions.
1. Reduce excessive care for husbands
Ye Zi cares too much about her husband's life. In essence, she has become another mother who dotes on the army. The relationship between husband and wife needs two people to support each other and grow together.
At the very least, Ye needs to reposition his role and learn to be a "mother with a sense of rules and a bottom line" and a "wife who needs to be respected by her husband".
As I said before, the army has the habit of littering dirty clothes. I suggest that Ye should never help him clean up again, at least let him put the dirty clothes into the washing machine himself.
This is not easy for a slightly tidy leaf. In the first few days, she couldn't help cleaning up the army herself.
To this, I seriously said to the leaves:
"Your husband's self-care ability is so poor, do you also need to bear some responsibility?"
Ye Zi couldn't deny this, so she made up her mind not to help the army clean up.
The longest one lasted more than a week, and the troops had no clean clothes at all, so they had to put their clothes into the washing machine themselves.
In addition to the problem of dirty clothes, I also suggested that Ye should stop eating and drinking for the troops. And Ye Ye was worried that he would be hungry, but I told her:
"A healthy man in his thirties deserves to starve to death if he can't even arrange his own diet."
Ye Zi smiled when I said this.
Of course, when Ye Zi made these changes for the first time, the army was very angry, and the two had quarreled many times about it. But for her husband to really grow up, she had to stick to it.
2. Let the husband learn to take responsibility.
"Giant Baby" always habitually pushes his responsibility to others.
The army is mainly responsible for some financial reimbursement work in the unit, but it is careless in its work and makes mistakes in financial accounting, which is criticized by the leaders.
So he simply took the work home and asked the leaves to help him check the mistakes. Ye Zi works in a bank. Before, she thought this kind of thing was nothing, so she naturally helped the troops.
I suggest that Ye Zi immediately stop this excessive help. After all, it is the army's own work. She can give appropriate advice, but she can never do it for him.
In addition, the salary of the army is much lower than that of Ye Zi, so he handed the salary card to Ye Zi after marriage. He never asked about the expenses at home, and asked Ye Zi to buy everything he needed directly, whether he overspent or not. Ye Zi always thought it was a sign that the army loved and trusted her.
But I think: an adult who has the ability to earn money should arrange his income and expenditure within a reasonable range and enjoy life. The army has no such consciousness at all. On the surface, it is a trust to his wife, but actually it is irresponsible to himself and his family.
Therefore, I suggest that Ye Ye transfer part of the troops' salary as family expenses every month, and let the troops arrange their own personal expenses for the rest. Don't ask about the balance or overspending, but don't spend too much money on him.
3. Establish an appropriate punishment mechanism.
For the giant baby, because he can't distinguish between himself and others, he doesn't know how to respect others' feelings.
Therefore, the army is very grumpy when playing games, and will not consider the feelings of leaves. He lost his temper with her and will take the initiative to coax her the next day, but he will do it again next time.
This is of course a disrespect for Ye, but he didn't pay the price for his disrespect, because Ye was always easily coaxed by him.
I asked Ye Zi, what does the army fear most from her? She said that the army was most afraid that she would not be around.
I asked again, after the army yelled at him, did she try to punish him by leaving him temporarily? She said, never tried,
Because she is also very dependent on the army.
Therefore, I suggested that Ye Zi take this behavior as a punishment measure without respecting herself, and she expressed her willingness to try.
One night, when the army swore at Ye Zi again for playing games, Ye Zi simply packed her bags and decisively returned to her family.
It was not until the next day that the army realized that his wife was missing and hurriedly called her. But Ye Zi thinks that now that he has come out, he will simply be cruel and ignore the army for three days.
Finally, the army had to go to Yezi's house to find her, and promised not to lose his temper with Yezi easily in front of his parents-in-law. Yezi forgave him, but the army did rein in.
six
An unfinished story
In the communication with Ye, I guided her to operate in more ways than these, but most of them revolved around the above three major directions.
But after all, it was Ye who asked for help, not the army. The most difficult thing is whether Ye Can realizes her role without being easily influenced by her husband, who was an important factor to attract her at first.
The woman who walks with the giant baby is also a "virgin" at heart, and this is where the leaves need to grow.
Fortunately, Ye Ye's efforts are still effective, because the time spent playing games in the army is really reduced, and he will try to sleep with Ye Ye. Fewer people lose their temper; I know how to live my life better than before. But objectively speaking, the performance of the army is far from the level he should have at his age.
Ye Ye is happy to see these changes, but he is also worried that the army will be repeated. I don't know how far the army can develop, because the army still has no ambition and no plan for the future.
However, growth takes time, so I sincerely told Ye at the end of the consultation:
In the future, we should follow three directions in getting along with the army, and at the same time set a deadline for ourselves, and we should not be a mother indefinitely. After all, marriage is an equal relationship of interdependence and cooperation established by two people with mature age and mind, not the relationship between parents and children.
Ye Zi agreed, but she still needs to go by herself. The story of Ye Zi and the army ends here.
seven
Advice for you
Many people may think that people who play games like this are only special cases and will not meet them often.
But if we look at it from this angle, are some people around us addicted to gambling, drinking too much and playing mobile phones without restraint? Even if they are not addicted to games, they are not motivated at work and are irresponsible for their own lives. ...
However, if people who show these behaviors are "giant babies", it is a slap in the face. I only hope that when we look at people's behavior, we should think more, maybe we can see more information behind the behavior, and then decide whether to get along with others.
Through this story, I still give you some practical suggestions:
1. How to avoid entering a long-term relationship with "Giant Baby"? Judge whether a man is worth marrying?
A) Observe whether the psychological maturity of TA is in line with age from life, work and other aspects;
B) Understand TA's family situation and relationship, whether there is excessive dependence on family members, and how independent she is in life;
C) After entering the intimate relationship, it is best to arrange for a few days to a few weeks to live together occasionally, and learn more about TA's living habits and shortcomings.
2. What should I do if I read the story and think that TA is a "giant baby"?
First of all, don't label TA easily, because "giant baby" is just a popular concept, not a professional and rigorous psychological term, nor can it be simply used to define a person.
What you need to consider most is: Are you comfortable with TA? Can you accept TA's personality shortcomings and lifestyle? If the answer is yes, and TA does have the characteristics you like, then the your relationship can continue.
If the answer is no, then try my advice to Ye in the story to guide the growth of TA and set a deadline for myself.
3. How can parents avoid cultivating their children into "giant babies"?
A) Always put the relationship between husband and wife first. Especially women, don't transfer it to their children because they can't get emotional sustenance from their husbands;
B) When children are sensible (when they can communicate with others in normal language), they should learn to be responsible for their own lives (eating, bathing, cleaning the room, etc.). ).
I'm zhou wenbin. See you next Saturday.
The following is an answer to the story message in the last issue of "About Chatting, Men's Real Voices".
@ Only one
Teacher, there is a problem that has been bothering me; What is the sense of security? Do you want others to give you a sense of security or do you want to give it yourself?
Because I have taken a course similar to knowing myself before, but I have never figured out where the sense of security comes from.
Someone told me that I want to give myself a sense of security; What others can't give; But I don't particularly understand the meaning of this sentence.
A: I don't think you need to worry about what "safety" is, because this concept, like the "giant baby" in the story, is not a rigorous concept, and there is no clear and accurate definition.
You should feel better when, where and with whom you feel most relaxed and comfortable, and then pursue this feeling in an appropriate way without affecting others!
Carol
Every time I read such an article, when I finally analyze the protagonist's personality, I will write that my parents divorced when I was a child, my first love or my best friend died ... It feels like a routine. You know the end after reading the beginning, but there are really children who have a healthy and warm childhood and often cheat and chat, just like the hero mentioned above. What is the reason?
A: Actually, in my opinion, no one really grew up in a healthy and warm family, because people grow up every day and experience many people and things, which will affect our character and psychology. Those who think their growth experience is simple and beautiful may have many stories in their hearts that have not been told or even forgotten. Everyone is very complicated, so don't easily define others with your own experiences and opinions. This is my original intention of opening this series of columns, and I hope you can understand this.
@JinJin- only
Why are men mostly avoidant and women mostly anxious (leaving aside the safe type here)? Are you curious about this? Avoidant styles, especially men, are not suitable for establishing stable intimate relationships.
A: This is a good question, but I haven't seen any in-depth research in this area. My understanding is that from the perspective of evolutionary psychology, males are more accustomed to and more capable of obtaining survival resources on their own; And females generally need to rely on males for survival resources. Therefore, most men avoid (independence) and most women are anxious (dependence). Of course, this is just my personal opinion. You can think about it. And I don't think avoidance is not suitable for a stable relationship. Every normal person needs intimate relationship, but the avoidant type needs to find a suitable relationship model when establishing a relationship, which is more difficult to master.