As a result, many parents take time out to travel with their children, hoping to improve the parent-child relationship through travel, which has become the first choice for most parents who are tired of studying at home.
Parents choose this way because they want to use what they think is "good" for their children and want to compensate them.
Ayun is such a mother now, because her son has been tired of studying for almost a year, and she tries her best to "compensate the children".
Ayun's son is tired of studying at home, because he often feels lonely and helpless, so he hides at home all day playing online games or brushing small videos with a tablet, unwilling to go out, even if he is walking with his parents.
Ayun is worried that his son will have problems if he stays at home for a long time. She tried her best to express her "kindness" to her children and tried her best to compensate for the emptiness and lack in her heart.
Ayun's intention is only one: even if he wronged himself and suppressed himself, he should make his children as happy as possible and return to school as soon as possible.
One day, Ayun wrote me privately on the Internet. In order to get her children back to school as scheduled in September, she invited them to travel to Shanghai with her husband half a month ago.
At first, the children promised to travel together. According to Ayun's judgment, the children are looking forward to this half-month trip to Shanghai.
However, the night before departure, when Ayun helped her son pack, the child clearly told her that he didn't want to travel.
Ayun felt very puzzled and told the child that the plane ticket for the next day had been booked, and it would be more troublesome to refund the plane ticket now.
The child was silent for a long time and told his mother Ayun that he agreed because he took care of his mother's feelings, otherwise he didn't want to go at all.
Ayun resisted his unhappiness, thought for a moment and then told the child, "Thank you for caring so much about your mother. This trip was supposed to make you happy. Since you don't want to go and your mother doesn't want to make you unhappy, why don't we cancel the trip? "
After listening, the son quickly replied, "You don't have to cancel the trip. Next time there is something similar, you don't have to consider me. "
I asked Ayun, did you calmly tell your child the real reason why you didn't want to go, such as "Oh, you think so?" Then tell me why you don't want to go, okay? "
Ayun told me that afterwards, she asked the child why she didn't want to go temporarily, but the child refused to say.
I asked Ayun again: "So, what does your husband think of the fact that the child doesn't want to travel for the time being?"
Ayun's reply: "My husband said that the children don't want to go. He just wants us to turn around him and achieve the goal of attaching importance to him and paying attention to him. "
After listening, I thought for a long time. I asked Ayun, "What do you think of children canceling their trip temporarily?"
Ayun said that she really couldn't figure out why the children canceled the trip temporarily. At present, she can only guess. Over the past year, she has paid too much to compensate her children and be a good mother and wife.
Ayun's son actually told his mother a month ago that he would take the initiative to go back to school in September, but as the start date approached, the child's mood was obviously a little agitated.
Ayun was worried that the child would temporarily back down on the matter of resuming school, so she discussed with her husband and wanted to take the child to Shanghai for a trip before school started, so that the child could relax.
Since the children are tired of studying at home, the repeated negative emotions and the increasingly alienated parent-child relationship often make Ayun in a dilemma. This time, the child's temporary change of heart made Ayun almost collapse.
Ayun feels that she has been too "good" to her children this year, but the children always have this attitude, and she doesn't know what to do next.
We have met many mothers like Ayun, who seem to be more responsible for their children after they are tired of studying at home. They try to convey their love for their children with all kinds of self-righteous "good", but why are children always ungrateful?
Have you ever thought about the problem of parent-child relationship?
I believe many parents have not thought about this problem carefully. Most people, like Ayun's husband, think that children are intentional to attract the attention of their parents.
I want to tell you here, in fact, if you think so, you are all wet.
When the child can calmly tell his mother that I don't want to go at all, I promise just to take care of your feelings.
Here, we should see that this child, who was tired of studying at home for nearly a year, learned to express bravely to his parents and was able to express his true thoughts on this trip.
So I told Ayun that the child didn't stay at home in vain this year, and his views on all kinds of things around him gradually became clear, and his behavior began to be brave.
Why do I say that? Because many children who are tired of studying at home don't know how to express their true thoughts with their parents healthily.
Deep down, they are still ashamed of their weariness of learning, feel sorry for their parents and are always surrounded by deep guilt.
Therefore, most children who are tired of studying at home have too much loneliness, discomfort and irritability, and are prone to depression or anxiety. They can only play games all day or go out to find friends to play, gradually alienating and escaping from their parents.
Why do children who are tired of studying at home behave like this? Why can't children bravely tell their parents what they really think?
Because most parents usually don't really accept that their children don't go to school, adults say "accept" and want to "accept" in their hearts, but in fact they are very angry or helpless and feel humiliated, which children can see more thoroughly than parents.
So I said to Ayun, "You are very concerned about being a responsible mother. After the child is tired of learning, you make up for it with self-righteous kindness, but you never stop to pay attention to what the child is saying and thinking. The child will naturally resist, because he knows very well that everything you do and say is not suitable for him and can't help him. "
Ayun is puzzled. She retorted, "For a year, I have been reflecting on the mistakes I made in my past upbringing and learning to correct them. Why can't children always feel that I am good to him? "
Here, Ayun actually confuses the concept of "being good to children". I told her that "mom thinks it's good for the child" doesn't mean that "the child thinks mom is good for him".
The former belongs to the mother's rational evaluation, and the latter belongs to the child's perceptual cognition, which are completely different categories.
I have always stressed that adolescent children need their parents to listen attentively to their views on people, things and things, and get their parents' support or empathy, instead of reasoning with him, giving advice, giving answers or empty comfort.
Therefore, I often say: "Parents who can listen to their children well will express their inner kindness to their children well."
Only when parents are soft in heart can they naturally show kindness to their children, which in itself is the embodiment of compassion for another life.
When children are unwilling to communicate deeply with their parents or refuse some demands from their parents, I think this is a normal process of their inner self-construction, as long as children express this unwillingness or refusal in a healthy way.
Because parent-child communication is not-children should listen to adults, and children should take the initiative to communicate with adults.
Parent-child communication is more about making children feel that their parents have been listening to him carefully. If the child doesn't want to talk or refuses to connect, parents should also respect his choice and allow him to have such behavior.
This kind of parent-child communication will be a free and equal connection, which will make children truly feel the care and "good" of their parents.
When Ayun's children express the view that "they don't want to travel, but only agree because they estimate their mother's feelings", adults don't have to worry about whether the children's views should not be broken, let alone evaluate whether the children "don't see their parents' kindness to him".
Here, my advice to Ayun is to find out whether my intention is "we take our children to travel" or "we accompany our children to travel".
If it is the latter-"traveling with children", then the specific matters such as travel strategy and booking of this trip to Shanghai will make the children fully participate, even take him as the leading factor, and the adults just help him complete it.
This practice is a concrete manifestation of respecting children. If Ayun had done this in advance, he might not have suddenly refused to travel before the child left.
Secondly, Ayun should also know that she thinks she is good for her children. Is it really suitable for them?
"Really suitable for children" here refers to what adults say, do and think, which makes children feel warm and willing to keep the mentality of "striving for the top".
Later, Ayun asked me, "Coach, what would you say if you expressed your courage to your child like this?"
I smiled and then gave my answer: "Son, it turns out that you agreed to travel to Shanghai together because of your mother's feelings. I'm sorry to have wronged you for half a month. You can refuse your mother's travel advice at that time, because it is your right, and you are free to choose whether to go with us. "
A few days later, Ayun sent me an insight: "Coach, after finishing mindfulness practice last night, I found myself verbally saying that I should be kind to my children, thinking that I could accept that my children were tired of studying at home. Actually, I care about my face. My body feeling tells me that I haven't accepted this yet. I have been angry with my children and I am also angry with myself. "
Finally, I want to remind you that when you feel that you are "good" to your children, please calm down and realize yourself clearly, because if you have such an idea, it means that you care about your face, not what really suits your children.
The author is Brother Yixin, a rebellious parent-child communication coach, a parent's spiritual growth consultant, 1 to guide the parents of rebellious children who are tired of learning, clarify the truth of the problem, and master the parenting methods suitable for their children from the aspects of wisdom education and self-growth!