1
Why is domestic violence forgiven?
If a friend around you experienced domestic violence, but chose to stay or forgive, how would you guess the reason? We will consider whether she has the financial ability, whether she has made "sacrifices" for her children, whether she has an independent personality, and even whether she has a social support system to rely on. But we often ignore that maybe she really loves him.
Most visitors who come into the consulting room are faced with this situation: it is painful to be hurt, but it seems more painful to lose a lover. Besides, he really loves me. So this conflict may be at the top. He sincerely apologized and admitted his mistake. Why can't I trust him once, so easily deny our love and ruin our happiness?
Stills of TV series "Big and Small Lies"
Therefore, even if everyone is saying that there are only zero or countless domestic violence, when it happens for the first time, there are actually very few people who can really make a choice and refuse to forgive. We tend to think that this is an accident, a product of stress, and the result of our mutual irritation. After all, the conflict of 10 minutes is too short in the face of 10 months or even 10 years of feelings. If you don't understand this, you may miss your visitors from the beginning.
2
Why shouldn't domestic violence be forgiven?
I can understand why I choose to forgive and accept, even though many girls who make this choice will tell me, "Growing up, even my parents never hit me." They will still choose to "trust him again" because love is really exciting. But I still have to say, zero or countless times, maybe not alarmist.
First of all, we believe that there will be no next time, because we understand domestic violence as an emotional impulse, and we have seen an extremely sincere apology and repentance. If we have deeply realized the mistake, how can we make it again? Just like a child caught stealing, he won't make mistakes again because he is possessed for a moment.
Wait, is that true? If stealing is just a simple education or even neglect, will this behavior disappear? Or will it increase? Similarly, from the perspective of behavior, in this process, two different patterns of behavior paths are often developed:
Victims:
Quarrel and conflict (behavior)-injury (punishment)-quarrel and behavior reduction (behavior reduction)
Offender:
Quarrel conflict (behavior)-injury, emotional catharsis, cessation (aggravation) of quarrel-no consequences or decrease (aggravation) of quarrel between the other party-increase (aggravation) of quarrel behavior/violence.
Therefore, immediate forgiveness itself may unconsciously lay the groundwork for strengthening bad behavior.
Stills of TV series "Big and Small Lies"
Secondly, we all know that domestic violence is emotional out of control, and forgiveness is because we think emotions can be controlled. But if I told you that everyone's ability to control emotions may be related to physiology and brain development to some extent, would you still think so?
It is completely different for a person to fight with passers-by because of a quarrel, and it is completely different for a person to fight with the person he loves. A simple question, even if you are angry again, will you hit your parents? Aside from moral reasons, an important reason why we won't is also because of love and care, and the rationality and self-control that exist from it. So the hands-on in this relationship may be more than just a matter of cognitive style.
Each of us will be controlled by the sympathetic nervous system and parasympathetic nervous system. Sympathetic nerve will increase heart rate and blood pressure in an emergency, activate the body to cope with the crisis, while parasympathetic nerve will help balance, offset symptoms and restore calm. However, some people have the characteristics of fast activation of sympathetic nervous system and slow compensation of parasympathetic nervous system, so they are more prone to impulsiveness and mistakes.
On the other hand, we all know that the human brain can be described as instinctive brain, emotional brain and rational brain. From the developmental point of view, the instinctive brain is relatively perfect in infancy, the emotional brain is not perfect until adolescence, and the rational brain is basically mature until adulthood. Moreover, our brain has 80 billion neurons, and the instinctive brain and the emotional brain have nearly 80%, so we have absolute control over the brain. Therefore, it may be difficult to expect the other person to overcome the instinctive and emotional reaction to deal with the problem rationally, especially if your partner is not yet an adult (25~30 years old), and you should even doubt the possibility that he will not commit it again.
So, zero or countless times makes sense, but do you have to choose only once?
three
You can choose not to be brave.
When doing psychological counseling, it is easy to encounter the topic of "domestic violence", and what makes me most uncomfortable is that the visitor is worried that I am disappointed because she did not choose to leave, and that I think she is not "brave" enough. I don't know when all our actions seem to be simply linked to whether we are brave.
As I said before, although domestic violence is likely to happen again from a behavioral and physiological point of view, not everyone can make a choice easily. Whether out of love, reluctance, or fear and responsibility. You, who have been hurt by your loved ones, should no longer bear the accusation or anxiety of "no choice"
As consultants, what we should do is by no means to give you more pressure or blame yourself. All we have to do is stand with you and help you resist the harm that may happen again. If you are not ready, if this is just a "small conflict" (of course, serious domestic violence is within the exception of negotiation), if you want to believe it again, I will stay with you, at least so that you won't feel lonely. At least, when the injury comes again, you can say it, or you can naturally tell me what you have encountered and you need my help.
Courage is sometimes not innate, and decisiveness does not necessarily belong to everyone. But we can learn to protect ourselves and choose through patient companionship and growth. After all, love should be cared for, not coerced. May everyone cherish what they love and let the damage be zero forever.