When he first came to the plateau, Shuoyang began Yang Jiajun's strict management style. From walking route, walking posture to walking speed, he must follow his own standards, otherwise he will be wrong.
Praise the child for the first time, Shuoyang gave the reward in a condescending tone, just because the child temporarily reached his so-called standard;
In a private interview, Shuo Yang said many times that Yang Yuchen is a boy and expects him to become a real man, and the standard of a man should be not to be sissy or lose his temper.
It is true that every parent wants their children to grow better when educating them, but most parents are not so correct when educating their children. They force their children to listen to themselves in order to meet their so-called standards. This is the typical "obedient education" of parents in China, and the core of this "obedient education" is "conditional love".
The so-called conditional love means that when we establish a relationship with each other, we bring a standard and expectation, and this standard and expectation means that I recognize you, encourage you and accept you. These are all conditional. Only when you meet these conditions can I love you. If not, I won't love you.
Conditional love is reflected in all aspects of our lives.
In family relations, parents force their children to listen to their own words, and children must follow their own standards and expectations. Sometimes there is no reason, just because I am your parents, so you have to listen to me. This "obedient education" permeates the minds of countless people, and even unconsciously, children will reproduce this "obedient education" from generation to generation in their own families.
In a love relationship, many people can easily rise to the height of "Do you love me or not" because of a small matter. The meaning behind this sentence is that if you follow my expectations, you love me; But if you don't live up to my expectations, you just don't love me. In such a relationship, we build our relationship with an expectation that you will love me only if you meet my requirements.
Conditional love means that the relationship between me and you is established by a standard. I will love you when you reach the standard in my heart. When parents educate their children with such standards and expectations, they are usually extremely harsh, rarely really encourage and recognize their children, and want to force them to become excellent through critical education. Even if some children really become excellent in external standards, they will still feel extremely inferior inside, because children will agree with the expectations thrown by their parents, "Why are you so bad?"
And unconditional love means that parents are full of heartfelt love and allow their children to be themselves without any expectations and conditions. Unconditional love is a nourishing relationship. In this relationship, what we see is deep trust, complete dedication and love.
How can we break the "obedient education" of China's parents, give children unconditional love and create a healthy environment for their growth?
Deep understanding and acceptance.
American humanistic psychologist Rogers has a famous saying: Love is deep understanding and acceptance. In his psychological consultation, he believes that the most important thing for psychological counselors is to understand and accept the feelings of visitors, which also applies to all kinds of relationships around us.
The so-called understanding and acceptance is to be able to put yourself in the other person's shoes to understand and accept each other, which is what we often say.
I once read the story of a mother whose children could not recite English. The mother did not blindly encourage her children to refuel, nor did she blame her children for their carelessness, but expressed her understanding of her children's problems. She said, "Mom just noticed you. She followed you carefully, but you couldn't keep up after watching it for half an hour." The child suddenly cried and said, "Mom, it's too difficult. I really can't." She cried for 10 minutes. When the child calmed down for a while, she took the initiative to say to her, "Mom, you have to help me make up my English." You see, this is a good example of love. You should really understand and accept each other.
In this process, the mother first saw that the child was reading carefully, and then she deeply realized that the child could not learn. After watching it for half an hour, she couldn't keep up, indicating understanding and acceptance. In the whole process, the mother didn't scold or look down on the child, but she could deeply understand and accept the child's feelings, so that she had the opportunity to accompany the child to overcome difficulties and catch up with English.
When we express understanding and acceptance, sometimes we need to understand not only each other, but also ourselves and handle our relationship well. When you want to express understanding and acceptance in a relationship, how do you show it? How do you feel when you feel the other person's feelings? Can you really understand and accept yourself when you are unhappy, when you lose your temper and attack each other externally or attack yourself internally? When you truly understand and accept yourself, you will understand and accept each other more easily.
Provide a hugging environment.
"Holding" is a concept put forward by British psychoanalyst Winnicott. He believes that good parents will provide an inclusive environment, give recognition to their children when they perform well, and support them when they encounter setbacks.
The basis of providing a maintenance environment is to allow anything to happen. When educating children, we can allow them to make mistakes, to be different and to develop their nature. For example, in the program, when choosing a house in Yang Yuchen, if a father can openly allow every situation to happen and help him adapt to the environment as soon as possible, instead of cynicism, then the children will be at a loss about which house to choose in the future.
When children behave well, you can give them encouragement and really appreciate them in your heart. For example, when Chen Yu shows street dance in front of everyone, if a father can give sincere encouragement at this time, it is definitely a great recognition for his children, and he does not have to be better than his children. Even when comparing himself with his children, he seems to have such pride.
When a child encounters setbacks, it is difficult for adults to give unconditional support to help him overcome these problems, instead of demanding that everything be perfect. For example, in the program, Chen Yu was angry with her sister and went to Shuoyang to seek comfort. As a father, you should first patiently calm your child's emotions and then figure out the specific details. In this process, he should really understand children, allow them to flow negative emotions, and give them enough understanding and support, instead of standing aside and sneering at children, forcing them to suppress their feelings, or even forcing them to smile, in order to show their absolute position in the family.
Maybe many of us, including those who have already become parents, were not given a supportive environment in their families, so we can't criticize anything anymore. The important thing is that we can try to make some efforts from now on. As we grow up, we can actually be our own "parents", create a supportive environment for ourselves, recognize ourselves, allow ourselves to make mistakes, allow ourselves to vent and flow negative emotions, and create a healthy growth environment for ourselves.
Fully trust each other and respect each other's feelings.
Montessori believes that everyone has a mental embryo at birth, and the nourishment for the development of mental embryos is feeling. Buffett also said that following his own feelings is the most precious trust and instruction that his father gave him in his life. It is because of this teaching that he can achieve "I am afraid when others are greedy, and I am greedy when others are afraid".
Fully trusting children means fully respecting their feelings, letting them listen to their inner voices and know who they are and where they are going. Instead of trying to control the children, it is euphemistically called for the good of the children, but in fact, in your heart, you don't trust your children. If you don't trust him, you can follow your heart and do what he wants.
If parents don't trust their children, impose their will on them and deny their feelings, they are destroying their feelings.
There are many such things, ranging from a mother's indifference to interfering with children's voluntary reporting and career choice, and even when children choose marriage partners, parents' distrust is everywhere.
If you don't trust your children, you can be responsible for your own warmth. If you don't trust your child, you can choose your favorite major. If you don't worry about your child's career path, it is promising. Even if you don't trust someone you really like, you can bring him happiness.
But when you try to trust your children, allow them to take responsibility for their own lives, allow them to make mistakes, allow them to learn from their mistakes, fully respect their feelings, let them choose their favorite clothes, their favorite majors, their favorite career paths, and their favorite people, and let them take responsibility for their own lives. As parents, they just give us advice as a reference when needed, so that the parent-child relationship may be more free.