Maybe now that we are parents, we will still hurt our children intentionally or unintentionally in the process of raising them.
As we all know, the psychological trauma of childhood will accompany people all their lives and affect all aspects of their lives.
So, how to heal the child's inner trauma? How to cure childhood pain?
The following six sentences are aimed at the corrective treatment of "inner children", and the wounds of inner children are repaired through the healing language of inner children.
1, excuse me?
"Sorry" is what many children expect their parents to say.
Every child doesn't want to be blamed, especially when his parents misunderstand him. Behind children's longing for their parents' "sorry", they just want to get their parents' understanding and prove that they deserve to be loved.
However, when this sentence "I'm sorry" is hidden by parents, the child's inner pain is also accumulating with anger, sadness, injustice and other emotions.
When parents realize that their words and deeds have misunderstood their children, they should apologize in time. Apologizing can not only eliminate misunderstandings in time, but also establish the image that parents are brave enough to take responsibility and set an example, which will undoubtedly have a positive impact on children.
When misunderstood by parents, no matter what kind of misunderstanding, what every child yearns for is nothing more than a sincere apology from parents to fill the gap in their hearts.
Although "I'm sorry" is only three words, the message is: you are not so bad, I misunderstood you and even hurt you. Something's wrong with me. I admit my mistake and sincerely apologize to you.
2. Not your fault?
There are many reasons for children's inner injuries, which may come from the outside or from the inside.
When a child is injured, it is often accompanied by negative emotions such as fear, sadness and self-blame. It is often easy to point the finger at himself and think that he is not good, so parents will not love, hate and deny themselves.
Trauma psychology believes that the most effective way to deal with trauma is to make the injured feel safe, establish positive experiences, temporarily stay away from negative experiences, and make them feel safe and supportive.
Therefore, when the injured child blames himself, parents should directly tell the child "it's not your fault".
Some parents may think that their children are really injured because of their own problems. It's not his fault to tell him at this time, not to encourage him to pass the buck. Therefore, many parents may use this time to preach and try to let their children learn from the painful experience.
Not knowing what to do at this time is like adding fuel to the fire and adding insult to injury.
Imagine, when you are in a strong negative emotional experience, and someone is still accusing or preaching in your ear, how do you feel?
The direct message of "it's not your fault" is: I don't mean to accuse you, and I won't deny you because of this. I still love you.
Moreover, on this basis, it would be better to say something encouraging to children.
It won't happen again?
When parents realize that their words and deeds have brought great harm to their children, they should tell their children firmly and decisively that "this kind of thing will not happen again" at the first time.
When many visitors complain about their growing experience in the consulting room, they often mention how their parents broke their hearts again and again.
Parents themselves didn't realize it, or they didn't have any reaction or performance when they did, and even prevaricated, denied and quibbled.
For example, a visitor's child said that her mother had insulted her by opening her letter. However, my mother denied it and said that there was no such thing. At that time, the child was flushed and tears fell.
For children, although they are not equal to their parents in generations, they often have a balance in their hearts, with their parents at that end.
Children are eager for equal and sincere communication with their parents. On the other hand, when the normal years are out of balance, parents seem to have won and defeated their children, but the children's hearts have long been closed to their parents.
This is a sentence that requires parents' own reflection, responsibility and courage.
As a panacea, it needs to be used with caution. If parents keep repeating their promises, but still do the same thing, then the trust of children will also decline with the dishonesty of parents.
4. I love you?
"I love you"-this is a sentence that many children dream of saying from their parents, and it is also a sentence that many parents want to express but are deeply buried in their hearts.
When children are hurt, especially when they feel that they have made a mistake, made a disaster and become extremely bad and unforgivable, they are often immersed in worry, fear and fear, and feel that their parents will no longer love themselves.
I once read a story:
A couple in Italy gave birth to a boy after years of marriage. Husband and wife love each other, and children are lovely. When the child was two years old, one day, the husband went out and saw a bottle of medicine with the lid open on the table. He loudly reminded his wife to remember to put away the medicine bottle and then hurried to work.
The wife was so busy in the kitchen that she forgot her husband's advice. The boy picked up the medicine bottle, was attracted by the color of the medicine, and drank it in one breath. Due to the large dose of the drug, although the child was sent to the hospital in time, it was too late.
The wife was stunned by the sudden accident!
She didn't know how to face her husband and fell into great fear. As soon as the husband received the news, he rushed to the hospital, hugged his wife and said "I love you" in her ear, even though he was very sad about the child's health.
How touching and shocking this story is. Husband's love for his wife shows us what unconditional love is. In the face of great pain, the phrase "I love you" is full of warmth and healing, simple and direct, reaching to the heart.
When a child is injured, it must be his weakest time. Please use love for his best. Psychologists say that carl rogers once said, "Love is deep understanding and acceptance".
The simple words "I love you" convey the message that I understand your discomfort and pain at the moment and I am willing to accept you as you are. No matter what you do or become, you will always be my dearest child.
I'm proud of you?
In the psychological counseling room, countless visitors always burst into tears when they mentioned their growth experiences, because their efforts and achievements were not affirmed by their parents.
How many children have worked hard all their lives,
Just to get positive comments from parents.
Injured children need parents' timely affirmation when their hearts are fragile. If children are always not affirmed and encouraged by their parents, they may go to extremes, give up on themselves, or break the jar.
In the face of the injured child, the message conveyed by the sentence "I am proud of you" is: I have seen your efforts and efforts, your achievements and progress, and you are great!
"Affirmation" based on "seeing" is the attitude that parents need to convey to their children. However, when children fail to meet their expectations, most parents will show an attitude of accusation, impatience and disappointment.
Although this attitude may promote some children to be angry and competitive to some extent, it often sends a signal that "I love you only if you are excellent", and the subtext is "If you are not excellent enough, I don't love you".
Imagine your parents' inner experience when they say "I'm proud of you". Maybe you will soon understand the power of this sentence.
I will never leave you?
When a child is injured, he often has strong fear and anxiety, fearing that his parents will abandon him, and the state is often a state of returning to the baby.
Children's fear of being abandoned by their parents can be traced back to their initial attachment to caregivers.
Generally, when the child is 6 months old, he will establish an attachment relationship with his mother (or the original caregiver). When the mother disappears from sight, the child will cry and feel abandoned.
If the attachment relationship between mother and baby is not handled well in the early stage, it will leave a trauma to the child.
When a traumatic event happens again after that day, the child will relive the traumatic scene when he was abandoned by his mother, which is heartbreaking.
Therefore, when a child is deeply traumatized, the child's psychological state is no different from that of a baby. As parents, children should experience the feeling of being taken care of by perfect love.
"I will never leave you" can bring children to the warm and comfortable scene of mother-infant integration, and let children repair the trauma rooted in childhood in a positive experience.
Everyone has an "inner child" inside. Everyone's "inner child" has been hurt to some extent and needs to be cured and nourished.
If you are a parent, you can tell your child more about the above six sentences to heal the child's trauma and let the love between parents and children flow smoothly again.
You can also talk to your partner and yourself more, heal your inner child, wrap yourself with love and understanding, heal yourself and have a happier life. Bless you.
Psychological counseling services of Heart Language include individual counseling, group counseling, spiritual growth group, psychological salon, parents' classroom, parent-child salon, group training of enterprises and institutions, counseling and treatment of workplace psychological stress, and private psychological counseling services.
Sincerely welcome you to enter the heart, enter the field of psychology, let the heart lead you to grow together, and wish everyone's life to be illuminated by love!
Xinzhiyu psychology consulting studio
Hotline:1390 4970057/13081735 321.