We often hear or see couples quarreling, and more or less they all break up. In fact, quarreling itself is the certainty of communication ability. Because I can't communicate well, my words are too excited. And this problem exists on both sides. There is also a very serious situation, which is domestic violence. We hate this, and this phenomenon appears because of the loss of emotional management ability.
Actually, all love is not perfect, because everyone is not so perfect. The ability to fall in love also needs to be improved through constant experience, which may seem a bit cruel. Those lucky people, in the early days of getting along, constantly run in and tolerate each other, gradually improve their love ability, and also gain a beautiful love; Unfortunately, in a period of endless feelings, people lost, lost and found back, and finally had nothing, even their only ability was taken away, and then there were one indifferent person after another. We often say it's cold.
Why is the marriage rate of post-90s generation low, and more and more people insist on being alone, or explicitly advocate not getting married, even though parents and the elderly are urging them to do so, why do they insist on it every year in the face of the embarrassment of the Chinese New Year holiday? Because most people are in the era of fast food love, most people have lost the ability to fall in love. Even in my opinion, there are very few childless families, and it is even difficult to love and experience love again. This is related to the development of the whole society and personal life experience.
The ability to love is cruel and beautiful. I hope everyone can have less twists and turns and gain the super power of love!
To be exact, Fromm should say that love is a kind of ability, not that love is a kind of ability.
Fromm mentioned mature love and immature love: immature love means I need you, so I love you; Mature love is because I love you, so I need you.
Literally, it is easy to understand that immature love is what I want from others, that is, what I want from you. Mature love, fully accepted love, inclusive love.
It is not easy to love others in a mature way, which requires the ability to accept things as they are.
As for love, love hardly needs a threshold. Love does not mean intimacy. Love is only the most basic kindness of any two people.
There are many people in society who can't love. What they lack is the ability to love. Because they haven't cultivated the ability to love themselves since childhood, a person who doesn't love himself won't love others and doesn't know how to love others. So I think that people who love others must love themselves first. How much you love yourself, you will love others. In this way, you can slowly change yourself from a cognitive point of view. Change is a long and difficult process. If you don't change, there will be all kinds of troubles and unhappiness in your life. Or bring unhappiness to your partner, children and family. If you want to live a happy life, everything starts with changing yourself.
Seeing this topic, I immediately thought of a popular sentence on the Internet: Phoenix is coming, Hua Hudie is coming! Excellent to excellent, naturally fall in love. But I immediately thought of another classic lyric, sung by Richie Jen: Love is always simple, but it is too difficult to get along with! Therefore, whether it is mutual attraction or getting along later, those who can start and go on are capable and loving!
First, we should correctly adjust our mentality to love. On the basis of not exceeding the moral bottom line (perhaps everyone's moral bottom line is different, defined by personal standards for the time being), don't take your thoughts, your preferences and everything too seriously. Accept others more, and don't kidnap others with your own thoughts. We accidentally became kidnappers and kept saying that I care about you! It is selfish, ignorant and stupid to get angry and accuse each other without even considering each other's feelings. Suitable for parents, children, spouses, friends, colleagues and so on.
The ability of love is that a person is a living person and puts his energy into another living person: if I pour my love into this family when mopping the floor, my family will feel loved; If I am full of resentment, my family will be hurt. Love or not has nothing to do with how much you have done in things, but only depends on whether you have the energy to invest in love. Apples cut with control and resentment are also poisonous apples. The way the baby looks at his mother's face intently is the best interpretation of love. That kind of complete energy perfusion, even if the baby can't do anything for the mother on the practical level, the mother will be dizzy with happiness.
All love and injury are a kind of disease, which needs the right medicine! The most romantic thing is not the perfection of orgasm, but also a natural desire. When it becomes dull, we can really understand each other's shortcomings and deficiencies, and we can remind and encourage each other to find the best of themselves, which is a kind of love ability!
Living in human society, everyone needs the nourishment of love.
Most people think they know how to love and how to love someone. However, throughout the ages, many couples are not happy, quarreling, cold war, cheating and divorce; Many parents and children are also full of contradictions; Between strangers, "people are indifferent" ...
The development of network information seems to bring us a lot of convenience, but it also brings all kinds of hidden dangers-marriage, which was once regarded as a sign of maturity by many people, is now gradually rejected by people.
The world is like a giant breast. We are like hungry babies, always longing for it, but always frustrated-the divorce rate is rising year by year, which makes many people suddenly feel that they no longer believe in love.
All these practical problems reveal a fact to us: we may not know as much about love as we think.
Fromm said, "Love is a kind of ability, which requires efforts to develop one's personality and make one's vitality fully bloom, so as to obtain advanced emotions", which is completely different from the "love" in most people's eyes. Do we really know and have the ability to love? Li Wei, a psychological counselor, came to talk to you.
In society, a group of single people are generally considered as people without partners. It is true that you are single and have no object, but this view misleads people's wrong cognition and regards love as an object problem, so there is a saying of "being an object". Most people don't understand the fundamental difference between "falling in love" and "lasting love", and even think that "falling in love is nothing to learn"
We think that love is just an emotion. We long for love, but we don't know how to love in the fog.
For example, if a person wants to become a doctor, he must first learn theoretical knowledge such as the structure of the human body, the composition of drugs, the causes and treatment of various diseases, and then need a lot of clinical practice. Even so, this person may not become an excellent doctor. Because he still needs to accumulate experience.
For example, if a person wants to cook a delicious dish, he needs to determine what ingredients he needs first, then choose the ingredients, then clean them before cooking. In this process, you also need to have skilled knife skills and pay attention to the temperature, otherwise the food will turn into coke, which is terrible.
Skills and majors in life still need to be learned, and love, as a good medicine to heal the human mind, is it natural?
Love is not only an emotion, but also an attitude, an ability and an art. If you really love one person, then you must love all people, the world and life.
Fromm said that everyone has his own needs. This demand makes individuals have the need to love and be loved, hope to know others, understand and care about others, and be willing to take responsibility for others.
People often use five psychological mechanisms to cope with loneliness: acceptance tendency, deprivation tendency, storage tendency, market tendency and creation tendency. The first four are either unable to produce or provide love and can only rely on others; Either take it from others to satisfy your own selfish desires; Either regard the outside world as a threat and gain a sense of security through storage and possession; Or treat yourself as a commodity and buy and sell at the same price. These are not healthy and normal love. Only when a person's love has a creative tendency is it a healthy performance.
For example, when two people fall in love, they will think about how to create romance or surprise for each other. This is a creative tendency. On the other hand, if you are thinking about how the other person creates romance or surprise for yourself, then this becomes a requirement.
The basic element of "true love" is "giving" first, not "getting".
Between lovers, we can see all kinds of giving and taking. Some of these efforts and demands hide the longing for parents and the unfulfilled wishes of childhood.
Between parents and children, without maternal love, life will become empty, because the essence of maternal love is a blessing. Fatherly love needs our efforts, because the essence of fatherly love is obedience and control. However, when a person can finally be both a father and a mother, he has separated himself from the external images of his father and mother, but established these two images in his heart. We say he is a mature man. He is both his father and his mother. Such people have the ability to love themselves and others.
An undeniable fact is that in the eyes of most people, the problem of love is first of all the object problem, and it is a question of whether you can be loved. On the one hand, people long for love. On the other hand, they value achievement, status, fame and power more than love. We spend almost all our energy to achieve the above goal, but few people use it to learn to love.
The practice of love in our imagination should be affection, understanding, listening and other elements.
However, Fromm proposed in The Art of Love that,
Love is not only a positive concern for life and what we love, but also a sense of responsibility to respond to the needs we love. It is mutual understanding and mutual respect-two people grow and develop in their own way, rather than obeying each other. You may have heard the saying "Because I love you, you must listen to me", but this is just a kind of control, a kind of taking, and often lacks patience.
Abide by the agreement and discipline of love, listen attentively to each other's words, understand his emotional changes, get to know each other patiently and get used to each other. Such lovers can not only focus on their own life meaning, but also be willing to go out of their own world to understand each other's life meaning, and give intimacy, support, listening and understanding that others can't give in their respective development processes.
Love is not an emotion that only requires devotion, but requires efforts to develop and perfect oneself, otherwise all attempts at love will fail.
However, it is generally believed that loving others is a matter of course and a virtue, while loving yourself is a sin and a manifestation of selfishness. But in fact, our life, our happiness and our growth are all based on our ability to love ourselves. If a person doesn't even love himself, then he just won't love. A person who only pays for others and doesn't think for himself is actually a disguised form of soft control. Get along with such people, there will be a sense of moral bondage, which makes people suffocate and want to escape. If we give to each other, we will feel much more relaxed.
Loving others and loving yourself is not an option; you can't have both. On the contrary, we can find the attitude and ability of self-love in all those who have the ability to love others.
If you have any other questions, please leave a message in the comments section below.
Love is both an ability and an experience. The main experience of emotion will be profound. The things you have experienced are: ignorance, heartbeat, blushing, expectation, worry, lovesickness, insomnia, hugs, kisses, weddings, vows, honeymoons, happiness, quarrels, anger, fighting, reconciliation, separation from bed, leaving home, sublimation, buying food, cooking, washing clothes, pregnancy, anxiety, doubt and parenthood.
In short, marriage and love are a thrilling experience, more like a drama, which can fully understand the joys and sorrows of life, and accept it frankly, because everything is the best arrangement.
The general personality combination in marriage and love is:
1. Be yours
2. What's bothering you
These two combinations are for your growth, neither good nor bad! Therefore, if you have a good experience and face any problems in your marriage relationship with gratitude, understanding and acceptance, you can complete the task as quickly as possible.
The whole world thinks that making money is an ability and success is an ability, so falling in love and getting married is an ability.
Why?
No matter which era, money can solve most emotional crises.
If you don't have money to love, you have to take money to maintain family ties, let alone lovers.
Some people will say that many people who have no money are also very happy together; I don't deny this, then they must be an extraordinary couple, and money is useless in their eyes.
They only pursue spiritual needs.
But since ancient times, laity is still Doha!
If love has no first condition, then it is good to have the ability to deal with contradictions.
For example, quarreling between the two sides is an escape, a walk in the cold war, talking with the opposite sex about bad sales or looking at the problem objectively, rather than targeting people.
This is easier said than done. When quarreling, we try to kill each other with the language that can best knock each other down. The couple who were originally in love became the bad reviewers of both sides.
Spiritual needs are the pursuit of most people all their lives. They want to find a soul mate, but there is no soul mate in this world.
Maybe when we are together, let's start with the face value. It must be that "you know me" who decides to be together. You're the one I'm looking for. It's easy to be with you. No pressure, three views are the same.
Try to be with someone who has a different outlook on life.
Summary: Why do two people who clearly love each other finally break up?
Isn't it the ability to fall in love?
Love without ability is pale and powerless, what a painful understanding!
Fromm devoted his life to the perfect combination of Freud's psychoanalysis and Marlowe's humanism. 1956 published The Art of Love. Fromm believes that Adam and Eve can't help eating the forbidden fruit and feel ashamed to see each other naked, thus knowing that people need love and reason, that is, to respect responsibility and care. It's better to meet for one night than to meet. Because only happy feelings, without the skills and ability of love, can't make this love last long and bear fruit.
So I agree with psychologist Fromm that love is an ability. With this ability, we can love forever.
Fromm said that love is an ability, because he found that only people with mental health can fall in love. Fromm's love here is to distinguish between pure physical desire and possessiveness.
Under the background of European culture, love is dedication, giving, appreciation and worship. This is true from the biblical tradition and chivalry. In the sense of love, spirituality is higher than, or even excludes, physical materiality. China people accepted western ideas during the May 4th New Culture Movement, and only then did they have a clear concept of human equality and "free love".
As for physical needs, it is the natural basis of love (stipulated by God), but it is meaningful to discuss love as "psychological ability" (people prefer to say emotional intelligence now). Fromm's theory tells us that having "the ability to love" is the pride of people and the guarantee of the sweetness of marriage.
I agree that love is an ability!
Love involves complicated interpersonal skills, and only those who have the ability to handle the relationship with all parties can gain happiness and sweetness in love.
1. Love is the relationship between two people, knowing how to be warm and cold, and speaking irrationally. They should be tolerant and please, but they should not lose themselves and please. Strict interpersonal communication.
2. Love is to handle the relationship with yourself. We control ourselves by thinking and thinking, and negative emotions such as inner fear, worry and self-distrust may ruin a beautiful love. Dealing with yourself and your relationship is often a lifelong progress!
3. Being in love is to handle the relationship with others, here others are our parents, relatives, friends, leaders and colleagues … because other people's comments and opinions may affect the relationship and feelings between lovers.
Therefore, love is an ability.