Wen | Heart Help
Tourists self-report:
Have you ever seen a man who makes his wife and mistress live in peace? Anyway, this is my first time.
I have liked the man who said this since college and got married after graduation. We have been together 17 years.
But since last year, I think something is wrong with him. He had a hair transplant and began to buy clothes for himself.
My best friend said he cheated, but I didn't believe him at first. Until I found the ambiguous message in his mobile phone, I collapsed and cried all afternoon.
At night, after I cried, he told me a showdown, saying that Xiaosan was gentler than me, and only when he was with her did he feel like a man.
However, in front of me, he always looks down on me because I am too strong to be interested in sex. He is always rejected and gradually disappointed.
When he is with mistress, he can always feel the happiness and satisfaction of sex. He also said that he had no feelings for me over the years and wanted to move out and live with mistress.
I was really shocked to hear him talk about the plan so slowly, because obviously, he was not on a whim, but the result of long and repeated thinking.
Faced with such a heartless person, I was so cold that I said without hesitation, "Well, please go away now."
Without saying anything, he began to pack his clothes. Soon, he packed his luggage. I couldn't help crying when I saw his luggage.
Later, I gave the child to my mother and stayed in bed for a week.
But life goes on. I tried, because only hard work can temporarily forget the pain of losing him.
When I thought everything was going to turn around, he came back. He said he was very unhappy and kept thinking about me. After so many years of feelings, he still can't let go, and we cry.
It turned out that I was still not used to losing him.
When I thought we could finally start over, he came to me three months later.
I cried. He can't forget his third wife after being with me. He can't stand the sound of his third wife making him cry.
I asked him, what do you want? He said, can you accept that I can keep my relationship with mistress while maintaining my marriage, such as 135 to accompany you and 246 to accompany her, and arrange Sunday according to my mood and actual needs?
I also said that mistress is the spice of our marriage, so let me pretend that he is on a business trip for three days.
I asked him, if I was at 246 with another man, would you accept it?
His face suddenly turned black and asked me if there was anyone outside. I said no, but why is it that only the state officials set fire and the people are not allowed to light up?
He shook his head and said he couldn't be a cuckold.
I said, can I wear it?
He said that men and women are different.
I said, why?
He finally said to me, in a word, think about it. If you take my advice, we will have a good life. If you don't accept it, I will simply divorce you, break up with that girl, and completely want nothing.
It should be said that points are points.
But now, it's really hard for me to refuse like the first time.
Because he couldn't stand being abandoned for the second time, the man was fine except for cheating.
My mother also said that this man is really a good husband except for cheating.
This is a new thing for the third wife. After a long time, it will naturally disperse. Don't be confused. If divorced, it is difficult to find such a good man. You're not too old.
I'm really struggling. Do I want self-esteem or interest? Is this man a good man or love rat? I don't know how to choose.
The consultant said:
First of all, we want to announce that no one in this world is qualified to tell you how to live.
But at least I can tell you that what you have to face is not the choice of divorce, but what kind of life you want to live for the rest of your life.
Women have two kinds of old age.
The second half of life is the second half of life that has been "keeping fit".
The second half of life is the second half of life that keeps getting fat and getting old.
The price of the former is that you should always be strict with yourself. The advantage is that you can get amazing figure and old-fashioned appearance, such as Yan Ni.
The price of the latter is self-identity in the face of inferiority, and the advantage is that you can eat black silk.
Which way is better? I don't know, there is no standard, only related to the person you belong to.
So the question you gave me, on the surface, is a dead end.
But if we look at the deep level and the other side of the coin, we may find a solution.
From a psychological point of view, when you are faced with a major choice in life and can't choose, it is often yourself.
It's time to grow up So where do you have to grow up?
The biggest bug in life is your "single ability".
It seems that you are an adult, and maybe a successful person in the workplace.
But emotionally, you are a rookie, because you have only been in love once in your life, and then you got married.
What does this mean?
You don't know what you want; Why are you with this man?
How do you know he is the most suitable man in your life?
We went shopping and decided which dress to buy after comparison.
But you didn't do it. The first boyfriend you found was him.
You don't know what emotion is; In those romance novels, you believe that falling in love is a lifelong routine.
This is the adolescent emotional view of junior high school students.
The emotional view of the adult world is more complicated than this, which requires the participants of emotional games to have the "mental" function of psychology.
What is an "intelligent" function?
You know what you want and how you feel,
At the same time, I also know what the other person wants and how they feel.
I finally know how to make the other side achieve a win-win result.
But both of you are poor in this respect.
Why?
Because it was 17 years before you knew that your husband was dissatisfied with you.
On the one hand, it shows that he has always distrusted you and refused to talk to you, on the other hand, it also shows that you have been living in your dreams.
You don't know how to solve emotional problems. Because one didn't say anything and the other didn't read it, you missed the best opportunity to repair your feelings.
Your husband is "almost identical" to you. It is impossible for him to develop a deeper relationship with one person, so two people must bear the needs of one person.
If you don't develop the ability of "intellectualization", then it is very likely that you will either accept the "unequal treaty" or divorce, and both sides will lose.
However, if you want to cultivate the ability of "intellectualization", it takes time and you need to put in a lot of efforts to be able to influence your husband to recycle all his love to you.
So how can we have this ability?
This may require you to learn two kinds of emotional dialogues.
One is to talk to your emotions;
One is an emotional conversation with her husband.
Both of these dialogues need to be trained by emotional accompaniment.
Simply attending classes can't completely improve your ability.
You might say that my husband is urging me to make up my mind now. How should I reply?
Don't worry, your husband is not the kind of person who can really make a choice, because he can't make a choice himself, so he throws the pot to you.
Before you have this ability, you'd better spend it first. When you have the ability to "stand on your own feet", there may be two endings.
One is that you find that this man is not the man you really want, and your previous love for him is just a kind of "dependent love".
Now you can rely on yourself, and he is not so valuable to you. You want to let go of this relationship and find true love.
One is that you find that this man is actually very influential, because your emotional intelligence has improved, and you can better repair your emotions, and tasks that you thought were impossible before can also be completed.
But in any case, you can fight your way out of the current predicament, and growth is always the best answer to despair.
Finally, I will give you a way to improve the communication ability of husband and wife: "pride humor method" 95% of marriage problems in the world are actually caused by poor communication. Over time, small problems become big problems. Click here → # Heart Helps Lu Yue # Give me a private message and get this method immediately, so that you can instantly change the existing chat mode and let a man's heart be firmly controlled by you.
Lu Yue #, founder of Heart-Help Emotional Psychological Platform, psychologist, senior media person, 15 marriage and love expert; CCTV, Phoenix TV and Beijing TV invited psychologists; Best-selling authors, including Love is Poisonous, Love Will Lead to Life, Being alive is like playing a game to break the barrier, and Rebuilding Intimacy, are available on all platforms.