Adler's psychology clearly denies that psychological trauma, our pain, is a factor that conforms to our own purpose.
What determines us is not the past experience, but the meaning we give it.
Do you want to be someone else? Maybe it's because you think you will be as happy as he is.
But you will never become someone else, you can only be "you". But this doesn't mean that when you are dissatisfied, you can't change and feel unhappy. You can't "keep doing this". You can't stand still. You must move forward. So what did it become?
This changed mentality may also be because you focus on "what do you have", but in fact it should be "how should we use what we have". So, when you are not satisfied, should you focus on how to change? No, should we pay attention to this? Change is a normal state.
If the lifestyle (the tendency to think or act in life) is not given by nature, but you choose it yourself, then you can choose it again.
Now that you have understood the lifestyle, it's up to you to decide whether to make changes.
The key is, why should I accept the premise that "you choose your lifestyle on your own initiative"? Well, if you don't accept this premise, so what? If lifestyle is passive, what else can you do? Aren't you here for a change? Maybe you are wondering, is it theoretically possible to "change your lifestyle"?
Of course, if you choose not to change, it may not only be because you believe that "lifestyle is a passive choice", but also because "keeping the status quo" is reassuring, because you are in a familiar environment, even if you are not satisfied.
Life depends on now. First of all, ask yourself, do you have the courage to abandon your present lifestyle? Change may lead to failure, but it will certainly not stagnate. When you think you should do it, you pull out a bunch of reasons why you can't. This is really a painful way of life.
When you hate yourself ... wait, think about what's good for you.
Candidates will think, "If you are admitted to Peking University, your life will be bright.
"single dog would think," If I had told her, her husband would be me now.
"First of all, it is very difficult to encourage people to accept themselves and build up the courage to move forward.
Why can't you see the advantages in yourself? Why don't you take the initiative to communicate? Is it really just because you think there is another possibility of wasting time: you are afraid of being hated and being hurt in interpersonal relationships. In order to achieve this goal, just hide in your own shell and try not to get involved in interpersonal relationships.
People's troubles all come from interpersonal relationships.
What is interpersonal inferiority complex? It is a kind of "perception" with less value.
But some characters, characteristics, just characteristics, characteristics, do not have the judgment of value, but the judgment that you have given it value.
So since it is subjective, you can choose with your own hands.
Adler believes that people live in the world as a powerless existence, and we all have a universal desire to get rid of powerlessness. For us who can't realize our ideals, there will be a sense of inferiority. This is completely different from inferiority complex. Inferiority is a state of using one's inferiority as an excuse. If you think about it carefully, inferiority can also be a reason to promote people's progress, which is entirely possible.
Inferiority refers to the fear of going forward or not wanting to make real efforts, and it also includes the pain and risk brought by taking efforts.
The more conceited people are, the more self-abased they are, and they act as if they are excellent, in fact, in order to cover up the fact that they are not so good.
Life is not about competing with others. Don't compete with others, just keep moving forward.
The value lies in constantly surpassing oneself.
If there is competition in interpersonal relationships, it is impossible to really get rid of the troubles caused by interpersonal relationships.
Where there is competition, there are winners and losers, and this is endless-even if the winner is invincible, he can't feel at ease for a moment and doesn't want to be a loser.
What meaning to give to the past is the subject you are facing now.
When you argue with others, the focus has gone beyond the question itself, but you are thinking, "He is wrong, I am right! I want to knock him down. " Really? Is it really possible for you to knock down a person? Even if you "win" this short argument, will he really be convinced? He will enter the stage of "revenge" and wait for other forms of revenge in the future.
Don't be fooled when you are angered by the power struggle.
Admitting your mistake doesn't mean that you have failed. After all, the anger caused by an argument is a means to an end. You can choose other more efficient and peaceful ways to solve the problem. Admitting mistakes, apologizing and quitting the power struggle do not mean failure.
Pursuing superiority-getting rid of inferiority is not done by competing with others.
There are three major topics in life: making friends, working and falling in love. In the topic of life:
The behavioral goals are: "self-reliance" (self-acceptance) and "harmony with society" (contribution of others).
The psychological goals are: "I have the ability" (self-acceptance) and "everyone is my partner" (others trust)
These goals can be achieved by facing the topic of life directly. The so-called topic of life is that when individuals want to survive as social beings, they will encounter interpersonal relationships that they cannot but face.
So the topic of life is a kind of interpersonal relationship.
We should consider the distance and depth of the relationship.
Adler's psychology is not the psychology of changing others, but the psychology of pursuing self-change. Only when people can feel "freedom with this person" can they feel love.
Without inferiority, you can show your true self. Is this true love?
Of course, it also mentioned "can't escape". Adler psychology tells us that no matter how difficult it is, we should face it bravely. The most undesirable thing is to stay in a state of "dissatisfaction". Difficulties will not disappear because you dare not face them.
Life lies: trying to find an excuse to avoid the topic of life. Why can you call it lying? Because it is not others at all that decide your life state, but yourself. This fact is indisputable.
Adler has no intention of using good and evil to distinguish between "life topics" and "life lies", but we are concerned about "courage". Adler's psychology is the psychology of courage, the psychology of use rather than possession, that is, not what to give, but how to use what to give.
Instead of seeking others to change their minds. Trusting others is your topic, and how to treat your trust is another topic. I love you, it has nothing to do with you.
Topic separation means that you can no longer let others control your life topic, which means that you can no longer control other people's life topic. How much easier can it be to let go of other people's projects? Just as my father loves smoking, that's his subject. All I can do is tell him: I can provide accurate information, I will help you, and I will never laugh at you.
The "interpersonal card" is in my own hands. According to teleology, bad interpersonal relationships are due to your own purposes. As long as you change your purpose, things will be solved.
Have the courage to be hated.
The way to treat people as inseparable beings and "complete me" is called "holism"
The separation of topics is the starting point of interpersonal relationship, and the feeling of * * * is the end point of interpersonal relationship. Treating others as partners and being able to feel the state of "one's own position" is called * * * empathy. * * * empathy is the most important relationship in a happy interpersonal relationship. That is, can you feel that you have a place in other people's lives?
People who know nothing about the pursuit of identity and desire are extremely self-centered. If you don't care about what others think, you just care about me, which is a self-centered lifestyle.
I am a hero in my life, but I am just a member of the same body. The so-called isomorphism includes all the concepts of the universe from the past to the present. People who only care about themselves often think that they are at the center of the world, surpassing the "hero of life" and then being offside as the "hero of the world". When they are in contact with others, they often think, "What can this person bring me?" But often disappointed, because others don't live to meet your expectations.
Only by paying can you find your place. The sense of belonging is not innate, and it must be obtained by your own hands.
Establishing horizontal interpersonal relationships is "different, but equal". Where there is encouragement, there is courage. One way to encourage is to say thank you. The most important thing is not to judge others.
Only when people can realize that "I am useful to the same person" can they feel their own value and gain courage.
What is "useful" is the subjective belief that "I can contribute to others".
You can't move freely because you are bound by self-awareness. How to solve this problem? //To change one's attachment to oneself into caring for others, we should establish a sense of empathy and start from three points: self-acceptance, trust and contribution of others.
Self-acceptance means accepting the imperfect self now,
Then work hard in the ideal direction. The same is true of sub-topics. Distinguish between "changeable" and "unchangeable". We can't change "what has been given", but we can change with our own strength about how to use what has been given. This is not about "unchangeable", but about "changeable", which is self-acceptance. Accept the irreplaceable, accept the real "this me". Then, about those things that can be changed, take out the "courage" to change. This is self-acceptance. Self-acceptance is a positive attitude.
Others trust, and there are no strings attached to trusting others. You just need to think about "what should I do". "I will give trust if the other party keeps its word", which is just a credit relationship based on mortgage or conditions. Of course you are willing to trust others and hope to have a good relationship with others. If you don't want to have a good relationship with that person, you can also cut off the relationship completely with the scissors in your hand.
The purpose of your trust is to finally establish a deep relationship with some people, which is your subject. Betrayal is someone else's subject. If you are sad, angry and scared because of being betrayed, it doesn't matter. Because I dare not act to escape sadness, anger and fear, I can't establish a deep relationship with anyone.
The contribution of others influences and contributes to others as partners. The essence of work is contribution to society. This dedication lies in being able to regard others as "partners". It may be hypocritical to regard others as "enemies" to make contributions. However, if others are partners, all contributions will not be hypocritical.
There will be a lot of unpleasantness in interpersonal relationships, but in any case, it is only the "attacker" who has problems, not the fault of "everyone". After all, this is a small matter. Interpersonal relationship is not smooth. The real problem is that people can't accept themselves, others' trust and contributions, but they focus on a trivial aspect and try to evaluate the whole world. This is a wrong way of life that lacks harmony in life.
For people, the greatest misfortune is not liking themselves.
The greatest luck should be to like yourself. The idea that "I am beneficial to the same person" or "I am useful to others" is enough for people to realize their own value.
That is, "other people's contribution", other people's contribution can also be intangible, because it is not you who judge whether your contribution works, but the subject of others.
Happiness is a sense of contribution, and the recognition of desire is a means to gain a sense of contribution. Once the means to gain a sense of contribution becomes "recognized by others", you will eventually live according to others' wishes.
There is no freedom in the sense of contribution gained by acknowledging desire, but we humans are pursuing happiness while choosing freedom.
Happiness is based on freedom. If you really have a sense of contribution, you don't need others' approval. Because even if you don't deliberately seek the approval of others, you can realize that "I am useful to others."
(Independent of other people's judgment) That is, people who are bound by the desire for identity have no sense of * * * and cannot realize self-acceptance, trust and contribution of others.
The two ways to pursue the ideal-no matter whether the hope is particularly good or particularly bad, the purpose is the same-attract others' attention, break away from the original "ordinary" state and become a "special existence". In order to achieve some results, it takes some efforts. However, "especially poor hope" can get the attention of others without effort. Adler psychology calls it "the pursuit of cheap superiority".
Be content with ordinary courage.
Ordinary does not mean incompetent. We don't need to show off our superiority at all.
Adler psychology understands life as the continuity of points, and life is a continuous moment.
We can only live in this moment, and our life only exists in the present. It is impossible to plan life, as long as the dancing "this moment" is full.
If a strong spotlight is aimed at the present, you can't see the past or the future. What happened in the past has nothing to do with your "this moment", and what will happen in the future is not a problem to be considered at this moment.
Focusing on "this moment" means doing what you can do now seriously and carefully, and making a little progress every day, that is, insisting on dancing. In this way, there is bound to be "what can you do today."
Pay attention to how to spend this moment. It doesn't matter if there is no goal. Take this moment seriously. This is dancing. Don't take life too deeply. The biggest lie in life is not to live in the present, not to dwell on the past, not to pay attention to the future, not to shine a faint and vague light on the whole life, not to think what you have seen. Always ignore "this moment", only pay attention to the past and future that doesn't exist at all, and tell a big lie about your life and irreplaceable moment. It is not yesterday or tomorrow that determines, but "this moment".
The meaning of life lies in yourself, and life has no universal meaning. If you encounter a major natural disaster, what's the point of looking back at the past from the perspective of causality and asking "why?" Because of this, when we encounter difficulties, we should look forward and think more about "what can we do in the future?" "
The freedom of life is given by oneself. To choose freedom is to choose a road that is not afraid of trouble, not to live for others, but to live for yourself. People may get lost when they want to choose freedom, so Adler's psychology puts forward the "guiding star", which is the contribution of the other. No matter which moment you live in, even if someone hates you, as long as you don't lose the guiding star of "others' contribution", then you won't get lost and you can do anything.