1
"I'm sorry." Hesitated for a moment, Ye Qiu sent the news to Yushan.
"There is nothing to be sorry about."
"That you can come out? Can we talk? "
Ye Qiu still won't give up. After waiting for a long time, the news finally came back: "Sorry, I have to study."
The tone is cold, but no matter how you look at it, this sentence is enough to reflect people's etiquette and self-restraint. However, there seems to be some contempt and indifference from the superior. This condescending attitude makes the boy feel uncomfortable. He was extremely disgusted with this experience, partly because of the long-term family repression when he was a child, and as he grew up, this long-standing resentment turned into strong resistance. He is particularly sensitive to this feeling:
Excuse me, do you want to study? I remember this is the second time you have said such a thing, probably because my humbleness and ingratiation gave you a bargaining chip, so that you can make such a tone, so that you can ignore it and be willful; Why should I always be so humble? Shouldn't love be equal, even if it is the pursuit of a person? ...
"Love is a game, and emotional people lose first."
Oh, what did the boy think? Those cold and indifferent words reminded him of some bad memories of the past: a family that thinks it is always high; Leave Eiko who he just wants to escape indifferently; Even the girl he tried to pursue but didn't treat well. ...
Oh, no-I am humble because I am sincere, and I am happy because I care about you. However, that should not be a reason for you to trample on my feelings and self-esteem. Even if you don't care, please take it seriously I remember there was such a boy who was really in pursuit.
No matter from family memories or later emotional setbacks, these emotions now have a common feature, that is, resistance-you should not expose your heart, you should wrap it in layers of armor.
2
Disappointment is spreading and darkness is occupying;
The warmth is receding and the cold is continuing.
—— Excerpted from 2018.11.16 Autumn Diary.
I have read a sentence somewhere before: "If I like you, I will take a step towards where you are and take another step.". If you are not going to see me, then I will stop. "
I really should stop, Ye Qiu thought. He quit the cycling association exchange group where Yushan is located. He thought he might be fit to be a lonely rider. But Qi Qi didn't stay, and didn't even ask why. When Ye Qiu checked his friend list, he found that Yushan had deleted him.
During a class, two girls in the front row suddenly turned their heads and asked Ye Qiu, "Hey, I saw the video of your confession that night." Ye Qiu shrugged his shoulders and smiled at the corners of his mouth. Then the girls who felt cut turned away and made some good comments in the front row:
"Hey, he stood alone on the stage that night."
"Well, I heard that the girl who was confessed didn't stand up at all, and some people would come out to make amends."
"Isn't that embarrassing?"
"Yes, that's funny. Too funny. "
……
three
"Qiu, do you have a virgin complex?"
When washing, Wang Yu suddenly asked aside, and Ye Qiu wondered why he asked.
"What's the matter with you?"
"My girlfriend is not a virgin," Wang Yu said, wiping her face with a towel and looking at the mirror in front of the washstand. "But I love her very much."
"Isn't that great?"
"She was my first love, and I cared a lot before I met her, but when I really met the person I like, it seemed that all those things didn't matter, as long as she really loved you." Wang Yu suddenly looked at Ye Qiu. "I want to know, do you care?"
Hearing these words, Ye Qiu suddenly fell silent. He looked at the shiny washbasin for a long time and then replied, "I care." "At least now I care." He then added.
"I thought so before, but she told me a lot of things before, including her first love. She was just cheated by that man and hurt by him, so I don't blame her, I just feel distressed. "
"Aren't you afraid that she will cheat you?"
"No, because this feeling won't lie," Wang Yu's eyes flashed. "So, brother, you have to cheer up, you will really meet the person you are looking for. As long as you love each other, everything will become unimportant. "
Ye Qiu nodded, but his eyes dimmed. He was silent for a while, and then he said, "I just can't convince myself." Although this situation is very common now, I really want to love only one person all my life and give my whole body and mind to each other. Not only do I have her, but she also has mine. It seems difficult to achieve in this society. "
"Brother, now is like this. You must learn to adapt. It is too difficult for a relationship to last a lifetime, and it is difficult for people to leave everything in these feelings. You must recognize the status quo and look forward. "
"This is the so-called open? Why do I envy the pure love of the ancients? If you are too stubborn ... "
Smell speech, Wang Yu patted Ye Qiu on the shoulder and turned away with a towel. He is used to Ye Qiu's silence, as is often the case.
Wang Yu has gone away, but Ye Qiu is still there. This seems to be an irreconcilable contradiction. He is destined to compromise his insistence on reality. Before, he thought Eiko was a person who wanted to spend his life with himself. It turns out that there are too many crises hidden in the gap between time and space, which can destroy what he once believed. Besides, he is no longer a clean boy. He gave everything to eiko, and now he can no longer give everything to the love in his heart. He was at a loss and confused.
Maybe, as Wang Yu said, one day he will learn to adapt, and one day he will meet the person who makes him give up everything.
four
"I don't think those who are physically disabled and determined are great. Instead, they just live by what supports them. What is great is not themselves, but the belief that has always supported them to overcome difficulties. This thing is called faith, some people call it dreams and careers, and I call it feelings and love. "
—— Excerpted from 2018.11.19 Autumn Diary.
five
Near the end of winter, the warm south will not have goose feather and heavy snow in winter like the north, but the temperature near zero may not bring much warmth. Moreover, people often can't see the scenery of the northern country wrapped in silver and endure the biting winter. In fact, compared with living in such a cold and lukewarm world, people are more willing to see the snow scenes all over the mountains, even if the temperature will be colder.
As long as you can see the beautiful snowflakes, even if life will be a little bitter. ...
Ye Qiu began to create day and night. His novel has several small chapters. Although there are still many shortcomings in writing and structure, he still enjoys what he has done. When he communicated deeply with his heart and expressed those delicate feelings on paper, he felt happy and full. Since writing a novel requires a pseudonym, Ye Qiu thought: What name should I choose? He remembered the QQ name he had used for 67 years-"Bing Xin Momo". Where did he first see this name? Ye Qiu has forgotten. He just knows that when he first saw this name, he liked these four words very much:
Bing Xin mo mo?
Bing Xin is cold.
As the weather gets colder and colder, the rain becomes more and more frequent. Ye Qiu often runs on the way from the dormitory to the library with an umbrella, dripping water with his feet in a bright puddle and splashing a transparent water stain. As long as there is no class, it is almost always like this. At first, he wrote all the words on the paper, but later he found that the cold weather made his hand holding the pen tremble. More importantly, he has more and more things to write, and the way of writing and writing is undoubtedly too slow. So, taking a computer, putting on headphones and finding a quiet desk and chair became what he would do every time he went to the library. He came alone and walked alone.
Every time I pass by the Little Square in front of the school cafeteria, it is next to the basketball court of the last activity, and it is also the venue for many on-campus organizations and off-campus interest groups to carry out publicity and marketing. Even in rainy days, there is a shed to sell telephone card network numbers, or to publicize the activities of a business associated with the school, and more is the consultation and registration window of various training institutions. Every year when school starts, it will be very lively here. Enthusiastic seniors and sisters are making announcements with various documents in their hands. Freshmen with heavy schoolbags are often stopped by them at intersections, but freshmen who are busy reporting often don't care too much, and diligent propagandists often don't dislike them. Even if the seniors turn their heads and leave, they will follow behind, stuffing two leaflets in their arms and saying, "Call me if you are interested."
However, in the winter when no one is there, the scene here is deserted, especially on such rainy days, only a few wooden tables in the shed can be seen, or one or two people on duty are sitting inside, playing with their mobile phones, bored. The same place seems to be bustling and deserted overnight. When Ye Qiu was a freshman, he was also engaged in promotion and publicity. He sells telephone cards, and he is also "enthusiastic" to help his younger brother carry luggage. Maybe he just missed it. They can leave a string of numbers on the list so that he can get back the commission from the head office. He worked as a driving school agent, helping to promote companies that make campus loans, but now he's suddenly tired of all this, and he suddenly doesn't like it:
"He is tired of everything, the promotion of shopping malls, the sales promotion of customers, and the flattery of superiors. He is tired of all the ugliness and hypocrisy that deviate from his original heart for life. "
—— Excerpted from Autumn Diary (2018.11.26)
At the end of the gathering in the forest, I noticed that there was a book stall on the side. The books that were not in the shed were covered with a thin plastic film and stained with water.
Ye Qiu saw a banner hanging on the shed: "Campus Reading Month, half price." Ye Qiu walked over and rubbed his finger on the vest of a book. He carefully looked at the names engraved on the cover one after another, signing one after another. How much he wants his name to appear in one of many books one day in the future, engraved with the words "Bing Xin Momo".
six
One day after class, Wang Yu said that there was a new restaurant across the back street, and the food was delicious. Ye Qiu said let's go together. As the bustling crowd squeezed through the narrow gap, the two of them came to a slightly spacious avenue. Wang Yu looked at his feet and frowned, because the narrow muddy passage stained his white shoes after the rain.
"Hey, when can the school repair this road?"
"This is not a place on campus."
Ye Qiu patted Wang Yu on the shoulder and they crossed the street.
When I walked into the restaurant, there were already many people in it, only an empty table was left. Wang Yudao said that he was lucky and quickly put two books on it. Down came a little sister in a red apron, not very tall, with a little baby fat on her red face. Her appearance is not exquisite, but plain and neat, especially her big black eyes. At first glance, she thought it was two black gems embedded in it.
Ye Qiu gave her a look, but then looked away. He took out an earphone from his pocket and put it in his ear, turning over the songs in his mobile phone. There is still an intruding female voice in the melodious music, but it is not abrupt at all, as gentle as music. "Hello, what would you like to eat?" Ye Qiu tilting her head just hit the girl's eyes, as bright as a black gem.
"A braised pork." Wang Yu sitting inside suddenly said. Ye Qiu added, "I just want a shredded potato."
Ok, just a moment, please. The girl nodded, tied on a red apron, turned and walked away, leaving a table of guests. The girl was busy clearing the table, and soon new guests came, and the girl was busy receiving and greeting. The same words: "Hello, may I ask ..."
"Few waiters are so polite." Wang Yu brushed his mobile phone and said thoughtfully.
"She looks like a friend I used to know," Ye Qiu murmured. "She really does." Wang Yu didn't answer the phone, and Ye Qiu turned his head and found that he was looking at the calendar on his mobile phone-it seemed like a long time.
"Why do you look at the calendar?" Ye Qiu asked doubtfully.
"I'm counting my girlfriend's physiological period. Every time she is in pain, I will try to stay with her, boil brown sugar water for her and apply a small belly, "Wang Yu said with a serious face, and then turned to Ye Qiu. "By the way, you must learn something. Don't blame me for not teaching you this' old master' after falling in love ... "Then she burst out laughing.
Ye Qiu gave him a white look and asked, "Do you have any plans for the winter vacation?"
"I want to take her to travel to Sanya." Wang Yu replied.
"Not going to Europe?"
"That's my plan after graduation. It's still early. "
……
The food was served soon. Ye Qiu turned to his little sister and said thank you. Wang Yu was still there, making noises.
"Okay, okay, I know. Will I come back to accompany you this weekend? You have to be good-"he said to the person on the other end of the phone, with an exaggerated smile on his mouth and his eyes narrowed into two cracks.
"To tell you the truth, I really envy you."
"envy what?"
"Care about each other, talk about marriage, and the future can be expected," Ye Qiu said flatly. "Happiness is almost in your hands."
"Oh, brother, you will ... Oh, I'm talking to Qiu, okay, hang up ..." The line of sight just laid on Ye Qiu, and suddenly moved to one side. Wang Yu smiled on the other end of the phone, his eyes narrowed into two slits. At the other end of the phone, he didn't forget to blow a kiss, ending with a "meow".
Perhaps this is the epitome of many couples in love now. Ye Qiu looked away indifferently. After eating the first bowl, he got up and walked to the rice cooker, but the lid on it was taken away first.
"Let me fill it for you." The girl said softly. Ye Qiu turned his head, just opposite to the beautiful eyes like black gems. The light in the eyes moved twice, and Ye Qiu turned his head to one side in silence. The girl took his bowl, took a big spoon with a small arm length, took two scoops, and said "be careful" when handing it over.
"Thank you." What I feel in my hand is a handful of warmth, cold and greasy as jelly. A smile on Ye Qiu's mouth tried to pop up, but it just patted his head and was smoothed away again. He nodded and turned to leave, his eyes still shining with indifference.
After dinner, it began to rain outside the window. Ye Qiu opened his umbrella and left with Wang Yu. When he left, he stayed at the door for two or three seconds, but he didn't look back. Only the corners of his mouth twitched twice on his expressionless face. He covered his eyes with an umbrella and put his feet into the rain.
seven
It has been raining, and Ye Qiu watched them fly in the air, from the white skylight to the orange street lamp. At night, they are like flying bugs, scurrying around in the cold night sky, often without seeing them. Often inadvertently, before you can tell the direction, you stick your head out of the darkness and smash it on people's skin. You also bring the cold in the air at night into your pores and just pass by. Ye Qiu likes to walk alone in the rain. If the rain is not too heavy, he is too lazy to take an umbrella. On the contrary, he likes the feeling of raindrops hitting his face. With his eyes closed, he could feel a little cold seeping along the pores of his skin.
Couples walk together from time to time. They snuggled up under the same umbrella, just like birds gathered in a nest. Because of the cold in the rain, the warmth gathered on them will be more easily felt. When Ye Qiu cocked his head and passed by, he would steal a look at them and listen to those frolicking and warm laughter. The rain would hit their umbrellas hard, and then fall to the ground along the ribs, splashing like a white light bulb protruding half outward. It's raining hard.
Open the umbrella, and the sound of raindrops hitting the umbrella surface will soon ring into a dense circle. Obviously, there is something to shelter from the rain, but it is colder than when it rained before for no reason, so that people hiding under umbrellas begin to unconsciously wrap their clothes and tighten their bodies. He pressed the umbrella face down so that his ears could be closer to the sound of beating the umbrella. Suddenly, a girl next to me said, "Why do you hold your umbrella so low?" Ye Qiu turned his head and found that it came from a small umbrella beside him. Another boy's voice came from inside: "so others can't see." Then the girl chuckled in a low voice, like a string of crisp and sweet bells.
The small umbrella that makes noise is drifting away. Ye Qiu passed a barber shop. He touched the lush hair on his head and went in. "Little brother, got a haircut again?" The proprietress greeted her cordially, and few people came to the store on rainy days. Ye Qiu opened the transparent plastic curtain, went in and nodded. This shop is run by a couple in their twenties. It's not the first time he's had a haircut here. Since he found this shop that feels good, he almost always comes when he needs it. "Sit down, I'll wash your hair first."
When you close your eyes, you will hear the sound of running water in your ears, and there will be an indescribable comfort when your nails cross your scalp.
"Where are you going?" The curtain was pushed open at the door, and the boss's inquiry was heard overhead.
"I went to the vegetable market." It's a male voice.
"Remember to wear more clothes. It's getting colder and colder. Take an umbrella. It's raining hard outside ..."
"Oh, I know, I'm tired of talking about it every day." A man's impatient voice came from the door, but when he left, he turned his head and asked, "What food do you like to eat? I will buy it for you. "
……
Open the curtain down, there was a crash. Ye Qiu closed his eyes and just used his ears to capture all the sounds that had just happened. The eyes under the eyelids are rolling back and forth, and then they are submerged by the rushing water. Transparent water drops fall from the corner of the eye, pass through the cheek, and then hang down from the tip of the nose. They are connected together like transparent pearls.
After cutting his hair, he looked at himself in the mirror. His eyes are sunken and nearsighted. In fact, after cutting his hair, he is quite handsome and energetic, like a soldier. Ye Qiu thought that if his hand was not injured and his eyes were not nearsighted, he might join the army.
Stepping on wet shoes, he went back to the dormitory, washed early and went to bed, but he still couldn't sleep. He took out his mobile phone and looked at the QQ dynamics. But in such a cold night, there are many intimate photos of couples, and the cold has produced a force to promote people to get together. Under this kind of power, people who are close to each other will be closer, and lonely people will be more eager to get together. Turn off the lights and close your eyes, those confused thoughts will still bind people's brains, like countless dark algae sticking out from the dark seabed, dragging people deeper and deeper into the bottomless black abyss.
This is not the first time. He was tortured countless times by such a night with wild thoughts like weeds, and he couldn't sleep at night. Ye Qiu looked at the photos sent by the so-called "show loving" couples. Most of the comments below are blessings. Some praise handsome men and beautiful women, and some bless "999". Occasionally, a few slightly sentimental people will take a picture of a rainy night that is half covered by an umbrella, and then say "thank you for giving me an umbrella" and attach a few "kisses" or ". This is unusual, especially for young couples who are still in college in their twenties. When they are sweet, they are afraid that love will be broken in their mouths and palms. Once you finally break up, you will often be heartbroken and go to the other extreme.
Soon, Ye Qiu shut down those trends that people thought were "disgusting". While wishing them the happiness they want, he is also lonely for himself. He is afraid to look at those warm things again. He remembered a poem he wrote:
"... we meet every lonely night, snuggle up to each other, ask for warmth, and stay together in the dark until dawn. I love you, not only because of the warmth of the moment together, but also because of the warmth of whispering at night ... "
This is also the expectation between him and Eiko. The thought of XingChu made him feel crazy. His hunger for that kind of care is almost hunger. He longs for such care, just like a vampire's thirst for blood and a long-term drought field's thirst for rain. He shouted at the bottom of his heart over and over again, banging his head over and over again, but those longing thoughts could not leave his mind-he was like a hiker crossing the desert, who had been drinking water for a long time, and now he could only lift his godless eyes and barely open his chapped and white lips to the sky. He didn't even dare to say it, because some people would call him "melodramatic" and some people would call it "moaning without illness", but if we knew that half of the boys' experiences were similar to his, they might not think so.
The fingers were rolled up, leaving a deep scratch on the sheets. The movement is not very big, but I can feel the bed board under the end shaking slightly under this force. He murmured this short poem, and his voice gently filled the dark room; Roommates also slept, snoring everywhere. Ye Qiu discovered that time has passed for a long time, and the rain outside the window is getting smaller and smaller. The bright moonlight shines on the floor tiles in the house through the screen window, like a layer of frost. ...
"Sometimes I often think that maybe everyone in this world just depends on a little love to maintain. Whether it is love, affection or friendship, it is a little warmth, pulling the bright direction and maintaining the temperature of life, so that people can overcome everything no matter how miserable. And when they go out, or the love they originally believed is injected with doubt, everything will collapse in an instant, and the final outcome is painful despair and eternal nightmare darkness. Perhaps, people have never lived by themselves. After human beings have wisdom and love, their existence is based on some needs that are beyond their own. Because it is meaningful to be aware of your existence, you will make extra efforts, especially to protect what you want to protect. It is a very happy thing to have this perception. "
—— Excerpted from Autumn Diary 20 18- 12-2.
eight
"Hello, what would you like to eat?"
"I ..." I just sat down when I walked into the store. Ye Qiu quietly looked at the menu and waited for a while, having no idea.
"Why don't you try the braised pork your friend ordered last time? The braised pork in this shop is delicious. " The girl standing in front of her wore the same red apron as last time and looked at him with a smile.
"Well, I'll have a braised pork ... thank you."
The girl wrote a note in the notebook, said "wait a minute" and turned to leave. There are few people in the shop at the moment. Ye Qiu is almost the girl's only customer at this time. She brought tea and asked Ye Qiu, "Why are you alone today?" "Oh, my friend didn't come to get anything," Ye Qiu replied. "In fact, I often go out to eat alone." "Oh oh ..."
It's dark outside after dinner. Ye Qiu didn't stay in the restaurant on purpose. The time he chose tonight is very coincidental, just when the evening dinner peak has passed but the restaurant has not closed. After paying the money, he took out a tissue and wiped his mouth, then turned to leave.
When I walked into the street, the ground was still wet and muddy, and it was raining lightly. Only the occasional headlights in the distance will illuminate the raindrops flying in the air, like stuffing a group of tadpoles into a cylindrical container, suddenly approaching and suddenly far away. But when the traffic lights move to the intersection, the boy left in the corner can always reveal his origin-he has been waiting there for a long time.
The night is getting deeper and deeper, and there are few pedestrians on the cold street. Occasionally, there are two passers-by, mostly lovers who are unwilling to part on a cold winter night. It's raining harder and harder. Ye Qiu opened his umbrella and hid in the shadow of the backlight under the tree. Sometimes passers-by will cast a puzzled look at this strange boy, so he simply hides his whole head under an umbrella and occasionally reveals his eyes to peek under the umbrella. The direction of his eyes is the restaurant with lights on across the street.
Until the door locked by her eyes for a long time was pushed open, the eager girl took off her apron, put on a small bag and walked into the rain with an umbrella. Ye Qiu's eyes would swim with her movements.
So he waited for her, and every night, no matter whether it rained or not, no matter how cold the winter wind was, he stood there as always, day after day. Every time he sees the girl's figure coming out of the restaurant from a distance, he will feel his heart suddenly move and his eyes will light up like a fire. He watched the girl's every picture move, watching her slowly approach and walk to the front-but Ye Qiu wouldn't let the girl recognize him. If it rains, he will cover his head with that small black umbrella, so that he can only watch the girl's feet pass under. If it is sunny, he will bury himself deeper in the shadow of the backlight under the tree, or turn his back directly. When he felt that the girl had gone away, he quickly turned around and anxiously looked for her again.
He humbly guarded this feeling. He hopes that one day the girl will know, and then he may be a little moved by his waiting, but he won't let the girl see it every time, and every time he follows it, it is far away. He looked at the figure in the line of sight and watched her walk from the school gate to the dormitory. However, he was afraid of getting too close. He was afraid that it would disturb the girl's quiet life. He is afraid that he will personally destroy this precious touch again, and what prompted him to do all this may only come from the warmth of that moment.
It was late at night, but he thought it was all worth it. He still writes all his feelings in words, and then records them in personal messages in space, so that it won't be seen by too many people.
"In every rainy day, there are white raindrops in the air. I will follow your figure, watching from a distance, humble, like in your world, never leaving any traces of my visit. Watching your back slowly disappear, in the dense white fog, in the dream formed by transparent raindrops, from bright to hazy, gradually disappearing into the light and shadow of time-every footprint behind you will leave a warm breath. "
—— Excerpted from 2018.12.18 Diary of Autumn.