We can't choose our birth family, but we can choose our own life. People's birth is unpredictable. When we came to this world, it was our parents who first met us. Parents are also parents for the first time. Many things are in a hurry. There is nothing wrong with their starting point, but there may be deviations in their actions. This deviation will always accompany us to grow up, which will affect our growth subtly.
Let me be your kind hunting to help us know the deviation, understand it and correct it. Through a large number of scenes, we can illuminate the knots hidden in our inner world, see them, understand them and untie them.
As the saying goes, "it takes a person who tied the bell to untie the bell." In the book "Let Me Be Your Goodwill Hunting", you can learn about "Origin and Fate" and teach readers how to internalize themselves, reconcile with their former selves, and reconcile with their parents, which is the beauty of live high.
Huang Zhiying, a licensed psychological counselor and tutor, is also a psychological columnist of many magazines. She has rich experience in consultation and counseling, is committed to the healing of family relations, and has rich experience in clinical psychotherapy.
In the process of our growth, we will always encounter some disappointments, some from our parents and some from other aspects of our family. When we grow up, these seeds buried deep in our subconscious will slowly take root and sprout, making us begin to doubt ourselves and deny ourselves.
The saddest thing is that the person who hurt you the most gave you the sweetest memories.
Tolstoy once said: happy families are all similar; Every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way. We have no choice but to control our own lives.
In the scene "Let Me Be Your Goodwill Hunting", the child's performance is closely related to the parents' comments, and the parents' attitude completely determines what kind of person the child will become. We disassemble the expression of parents through three types of children: forbearing, saving and unable to invest.
Tolerance type
Tolerance is a virtue, but it needs moderation. Blindly tolerance will only limit the two sides to imbalance, and over time there will be a big outbreak.
In a family, if either parent always blames and contrasts, it will definitely hurt the other parent, which is what we often say. Everyone has self-esteem. We often don't pay attention to our families and always feel at ease.
In our daily life, we often see the combination of "gentle and kind gentleman-naive and selfish wife" or "perfect goddess lady with good ability-Mr. Lu snake who can't take care of herself", which seems to others like flowers inserted in cow dung.
There is an interesting question and answer in Zhihu: What is the most important thing for two people to be together after marriage? Let's just say that this marriage is not yet married. Family problems are often due to the fact that both husband and wife have contributed to the current interaction mode, so both sides have responsibilities and are responsible for the current relationship.
There are certainly many factors that attract two people, but in intimate relationships, the cowardice and compromise of one party will inevitably lead to the bossiness of the other. This vicious circle will only make the feelings weaker and weaker, and both sides are very weak.
When a child sees this interaction at an early age, there may be five choices:
Agreeing with mom's loud speech and girls means being strong.
I don't agree with my mother talking loudly. In fact, many children understand the helplessness behind their parents' quarrel. When he absorbs, he will try to coordinate.
I agree with my father's silence and his depression, and I will take a "not doing well" approach when I encounter something.
If you don't agree with your father's silence, as a child, you will want to untie your parents' heart in your own way, but parents have been avoiding it.
Others. They wander between the roles of rescuer, victim, coordinator and unloved person, hoping to learn from their parents' marriage in order to get along with their partners better.
In intimate relationships, there are both bad and good. We should examine and adjust the bad ones in time, and continue to maintain positive feedback for the good ones. It is said that praise is the best language, learn to see more advantages of others, and don't be stingy with praise.
Savior type
No one is perfect, as long as he is human, he has shortcomings and cannot pretend to be the savior. Learn to reconcile with yourself and accept your imperfect self.
"No matter what the other party wants, I promise. Why did she leave me? " This is exactly what should be said: what you can't get is always in turmoil, and what you are optimistic about is fearless. Paying without bottom line and principle will make you look cheap, which is one of the reasons why many people meet love rat and love rat.
A good partner grows up together, not fetters each other. If one party walks too fast, it can stop and wait for the other party, and good interaction and mutual assistance can last longer.
Many times, we love others more, but we just need to learn to love ourselves. Only by learning to love yourself can we love others better. At school, the teacher said to be modest. At home, parents say we should respect the old and love the young, but no one teaches you to love yourself, which leads us to love others habitually and forget to love ourselves.
When giving, we need to draw a bottom line for ourselves, instead of falling into an endless abyss without a bottom. When you have no bottom line, it is easy to be trampled endlessly by the other side. Intimacy is fair and an interactive process. You can't let the other person think that this is what you should do, but let the other person respect you.
If in a relationship, you have made your own demands, but you are still worried that the other party will dislike you or look down on you, maybe it's time for you to end.
Unable to invest
This type is quite common in life, that is, what we call a mother-child boy, who always asks his mother about everything. But why is there such a character? The main reason is that parents' desire for control is too strong, which leads to their children becoming giant babies and losing their independence.
After many people get married, especially women, the whole person revolves around the children completely, and the whole person's focus is entirely on the children. It is not so much that the child grew up to be a giant baby as that the mother trained him.
When children want to spread their wings and fly, mothers can always predict accurately. This will cause the child's inner fear. He needs love, but he has no confidence in girls, and he is even less sure of his mother's "early knowledge".
When we are in school, the more we don't want the teacher to call the roll to answer questions, the more likely we are to be called. This is mainly due to our inner escape, anxiety and uncertainty. But sometimes it is. The more things you don't want to happen, the more likely it is to happen.
This mother has been interfering with her children because of her inner anxiety and fear, and I hope we will not repeat the detours they have taken. The original intention was good, but it was wrong. Parents are new parents, and this course is not taught, so we should learn to distinguish whether our parents' requirements for us are self-growth motivation or lack of motivation.
We should express our parents' anxiety in time. I know you care about me, and you are anxious and worried, but please let me have a try, ok? Thank you for loving me so much.
You need to go your own way in life. Parents can only stay with you for a while. Learning to reconcile ourselves, accepting ourselves and others, and living a good life are the best gifts for those who love us.
Everyone is born unique, and growth needs wind and rain. It is lucky to love and be loved. Your existence is a kind of value. You don't have to cater to others, let alone wronged yourself. You've never been alone.
About the author: Wen Wen, a post-90s Aries girl, works in the workplace during the day and writes quietly at night, sharing her growth and dry goods, accompanying her youth and wandering around the world.