If only because of this behavior, Carrie is really a "love rat". But in fact, she felt deeply guilty about her affair with Mr. Da, knowing that she had done something wrong, but it was difficult to stop. How should we treat "infidelity" if we put aside the moral judgment of black and white?
"Cheating" may be the biggest secret in a relationship. Understanding the nature of infidelity can help us understand exactly what kind of intimate relationship we want.
1. What kind of behavior is "cheating" in your opinion?
Psychotherapist Esther Perel has consulted hundreds of couples who are experiencing an extramarital crisis. She found that most couples have completely different definitions of "infidelity". This will make them defend their "deviant behavior" in different ways: some people have sex with others, but they are not enthusiastic about this kind of sexual behavior, so they claim that it means nothing to me.
Others will emphasize that they just had an affair: nothing happened. So, what exactly is cheating? In dangerous liaisons, Esther Pairel pointed out that in order to define "what is cheating", we should first understand the essence of intimate relationship: emotional contract. Everyone has his own standards about what our relationship should be like. When two people communicate these standards together, they form an "agreement" with each other.
The focus of the matter is not what happened, but whether it violated the "agreement" between you. Therefore, in a relationship, it is very important to discuss "what behavior is deviant" with the other half. It can help you understand each other's understanding of this relationship and let two people know the "red line" that should be carefully stepped into in this relationship.
Esther Perel summed up the three elements that define infidelity. When a relationship meets the following 1 or above factors, it may constitute infidelity: this is a relationship that needs to be concealed: your relations cannot be made public. Emotional involvement: you have feelings for him/her, and even think it is "love".
Sexual attraction: not necessarily sex, but also desire. (These three standards are not strictly defined after research. But it can provide a framework to help you straighten out the needs and taboos of yourself and your partner. ) In the part of "sexual attraction", the author talked about a very interesting concept.
On a date. It means that two people engage in activities that are generally considered as "dating" without any physical contact (such as eating, drinking coffee and watching movies). For example, you meet a very attractive opposite sex at a work meeting. After the meeting, you made an appointment to have dinner together and then go home.
It seems that nothing happened. In fact, you know that the meal just now made you more passionate than the previous sex-in a way, "cheating" has actually happened.
2. The reason for cheating is not necessarily "no love"
Many people think there must be something wrong with cheating. It's either a relationship problem or a human problem. This concept contains an assumption that if a relationship is healthy enough, extramarital affairs will not happen. There is a "perfect relationship" to avoid cheating. Such a concept will make the betrayed people can't help asking themselves: Did I do something wrong?
However, Esther Pairel found in her consulting work that there was no obvious causal relationship between them. A happy relationship can also be derailed. If we stay in the "problem theory" and don't explore the more real reasons, we will be more hurt and it will be difficult to grow up in the derailment. In addition to "relationship or personal problems", cheating may also be due to the following reasons: 1) the need to explore yourself.
Some cheating seems to be a relationship problem, but behind it is a self-growth problem. Esther Pairel received a case that her wife was having an affair with a truck driver, but she was not dissatisfied with her current marriage: she loved her husband very much and didn't want to hurt him, but she still cheated. The counselor later found out that this wife's infidelity is actually a kind of "rebellious" desire: she has been living a life that meets other people's standards, and is a good daughter, wife and mother.
But when she was 47, she began to have an identity crisis: who would I be without these roles? "Cheating" is actually an attempt to find yourself again, even though it may bring devastating consequences. 2) There is another reason for the charm of "derailment" itself: "derailment" itself is very attractive. This makes cheating clearly bring a strong sense of guilt to a person, but it also makes people want to stop.
Everyone has a desire to break the rules, which makes people feel dangerous, but it also makes people feel free. However, although "deviant" is very cool, in a rational situation, everyone will still consider the consequences and will not easily cross the line. What makes a person have enough motivation to touch the "red line" in a relationship? Here is an interesting concept: sexual independence.
Many couples will have the illusion that "this person is mine now" after entering a committed relationship. But because in a committed relationship, respect for "sexual independence" is often ignored, which actually strengthens a person's motivation to cheat. Just like a candle in a glass cover, the more intense it burns, the faster the oxygen is consumed, and the easier it is for the candle to go out.
This concept may inspire us how to keep the existing relationship alive: give each other some room for sexual desire and plan a "deviant" with each other. The "deviant" here is not to support the other party's derailment, but to continue to take some actions to get out of the comfort zone of your relationship without violating the relationship contract. Esther Pairel also mentioned some "deviant behaviors" planned by couples in her counseling cases.
For example, a couple who are used to taking care of their children began to choose to leave their children at their parents' home one day and arrange a "date night" for themselves; Others set up a social account only belonging to each other, flirting with each other at meetings, rest days and even parent-teacher conferences like lovers.
Have you ever heard the saying that the most effective way to keep a marriage fresh is to pretend that the marriage is not married? This "deviant behavior" will remind us that our other half doesn't belong to us, we just fulfill a contract in * * *, and whether to renew it depends on our daily efforts. It can keep us curious and awed about another person and the relationship itself.
3. What should I talk to each other after betrayal?
For the cheating party, being "betrayed" may be a serious trauma. It makes people doubt self-worth, destroys trust in the world, and forces a person to deal with multiple crises of emotions, relationships and self-identity. Besides, you will think about an important question: Do you want to separate? Or, do you want to continue living with ta?
This requires serious communication between you and your partner about the direction of your relations. This is very difficult for both parties, especially the betrayed party, and it is easy to fall into the "information trap": you are eager to know all the truth, but the more you know, the more painful you will be.
The danger liaison officer pointed out that in order to avoid entering the information trap, it is necessary to distinguish between two types of questions: detective questions and questioning questions. Detective question: in order to dig out the details of this matter. Ask questions: in order to find out the meaning and motivation behind cheating.
For example, if a partner has sex with someone else, detective questions may ask about the details of the relationship, while exploratory questions will focus on: "What does this mean to you?" "Are you satisfied with our sex life?" The former will lead you into an information trap, and the latter will help you judge the value of this relationship to yourself.
4. Conclusion
In the face of betrayal, it is easy for us to enter the role of "victim" and stay there, and these questioning questions will make you focus on yourself: Do I still want to be with this person? What kind of relationship do I want? This will help you get really valuable information and feel a sense of control when making decisions for yourself.
Finally, back to the topic of cheating, no one wants to cheat. When we talk about it, we are actually talking about whether we can not experience infidelity, but we can also learn some relationship lessons from this incident. It requires us to face the fact that the person around us is always mysterious, even if he is already your partner.
Only by making this clear can we know how to make efforts for the relationship. The best way to deal with the relationship crisis is to admit that it may happen at any time.