? Something happened to me last year. I was under great pressure and decided to see a psychiatrist. When I filled out the form, I saw the option of whether the immediate family members had a history of mental illness. I hesitated, and then checked "Yes". Later, when I consulted, I forgot what to talk about specifically. The counselor asked about my family's medical history. I was silent for a while, but I still said it.
? This is the first time I have admitted to others that I have a history of mental illness at home.
? I realized that grandma was mentally ill, much earlier than the rest of the family expected. They think I'm too young to know anything. In other words, they are not aware of the disease at all. Because grandma's mental illness is much less harmful than the madman reported on TV, she won't laugh, jump on other people's children, or cut people with a knife. So until now, whenever my mother mentioned grandma's illness, she would say that she was mentally ill because of her eccentric personality.
? Mental illness is a curse word, and no one wants his family to be mentally ill.
? When I was a child, my father gambled and my mother was busy with work, so I didn't have time to take care of me. My grandparents don't like me because they prefer boys to girls, so I have lived with my grandparents since I was a child. Grandparents are actually very, very kind to me. Grandpa has a good temper and culture. He taught me many hobbies. When grandma is not sick, she likes to cook good food for me, take me to the market and buy me story books.
? However, more often, grandma will be inexplicably neurotic. She will think that she is a god, that she can save other people's lives, that she will smear my hands and feet with urine when I have a fever, and that she will "cure" other people's diseases with a pack of yeast tablets from the drug store and the Shuangfei potion brought by her hometown. She suspects that the neighbor who has been getting along well with each other is a monster, and the neighbor will murder her. She will create a "language" by herself and suddenly communicate with others in her "language". When watching the news broadcast, she would shout "Fuck you, nonsense". When I saw her crying like this, I shouted to cut off my head.
? So between her intermittent normal and abnormal, I gradually explored that maybe her world is different from the world in our eyes.
Second,
? In 2003, when I was still in primary school, I didn't want my friends to know that my family was mentally ill, so I deliberately avoided other students coming to play at home. But at that time I had a good playmate, Xiaoyan. She and I are classmates. Even more coincidentally, after her family moved once, the rented room and grandma's house were in a community. We usually go home together after school, and she often invites me to her house to play. Her parents are very kind and often ask me to bring some steamed bread and steamed buns home. Xiaoyan has always wanted to go to my house to play. I told her that she could wait for the weekend and come back to my mother's house with me. She didn't want to. She said it was too far, so she went to grandma's house. I hesitated many times and tried to politely refuse many times in my immature language. Finally, I followed her to my grandmother's house to play.
When I got home that day, my grandmother saw me coming back with other children. I didn't welcome other children to my house as I should. There was a disgust on her face, which made me back down and want to take Xiaoyan away. But Xiaoyan may be too young to feel my thoughts at that time, or maybe she just thinks that her grandmother doesn't welcome her or likes her, and she insists on staying there because she is a child.
After playing for a while, Xiaoyan said that she was thirsty and wanted to drink some water. I'll get my cup and give her water from the water dispenser. Anyone who is used to drinking water from a kettle knows that bottled water tastes a little bit. Maybe it's for this reason, or maybe it's because she drank too much. She choked and kept coughing. Grandma suddenly said in a strange voice, "It's a leak." Then she had to pour the incense ashes from her incense burner dedicated to bodhisattva into Xiaoyan's drinking cup. There is a lot of noise. Xiaoyan was a little scared, but she remained calm and said, "Grandma, I don't want this. This can't be drunk. "
Grandma couldn't see the soft advice and began to lose her temper. She said nonsense: "Your father is a weasel and your mother is a whore! You suck sperm if you don't drink perfume! "
Xiaoyan can't accept such strange words any more. She was very angry. I tried to convince her that my grandmother was ill. She asked me what was wrong, but I just couldn't say it.
I told Xiaoyan to go home first. After she left, grandma locked the door and told me sternly that if she came to my house again, she would unscrew my head.
I'm really scared. I'm afraid she'll really rip my head off. So I listened to her and never played with Xiaoyan again, and Xiaoyan never looked for me again. Later, her father became ill, and the steamed bread shop at home moved away. We never met again.
Third,
Later, when I was a little older, I began to miss my mother who worked outside. Maybe she also thinks that if the child is not around, she will become less and less intimate. My mother often makes an appointment with me to pick me up on Friday and take me back to her home. She was busy with work from Monday to Friday, so she put me at home with her grandparents.
One day, I was ill and missed my mother inexplicably, but I also knew that my mother must be very busy, so I didn't make any noise. But grandma suddenly said softly, "Your mother said she would be back soon." I am happy and anxious. I'm glad to see my mother again. I had lunch in a hurry and went to school at two in the afternoon. I don't know if I can see her. So I asked my grandma and mom when she would come back, and grandma said she would come back before you went to school.
I waited left and right until 1 half past one, and I didn't wait until my mother came back. Grandpa came back from busy outside and asked me why I didn't go to class. I replied that he was waiting for his mother. Grandpa is also very strange, why don't you go home on weekends, and then ask grandma what happened, what happened to mom, and call her? Grandma said, "I saw it. I saw Xiao Ran riding home. " Grandpa was so angry that he pulled me and quickly sent me to school. I still don't want to go I told my grandfather that my mother would come back later. I want to wait for my mother. Grandpa, who has always been gentle, suddenly got angry and shouted at me, "She talks nonsense! Don't believe! "
I feel very sad in my heart. Why did you lie to me? But I can't be angry with her. She is ill. I can only be angry with myself.
Fourth,
As I get older, I feel more ashamed that my grandmother is mentally ill. I found that close classmates would visit each other at home, so in order to avoid other students coming to my home, I tried not to be so close to everyone. No matter how well I play with everyone at school, I will find a reason to go home alone after school and refuse the invitation of other students to go home together in various ways. When I got home, I saw grandma's gloomy eyes, clutching something and talking to herself. When I watch TV, I ask to mute it or turn it off directly. I was scared at first, then I was cold, and then I was bored. In fact, at that time, I was just a child who had not graduated from primary school, because the TV made a knock.
Grandma's condition is getting worse and worse, and she has less and less time to be conscious. I'm getting used to her putting some strange things in my cup of food that she thinks is sacred. Before drinking water, if it tastes wrong, she will throw them away. She put something in my mouth to eat, even if it has been put in my mouth, I will spit it out. Later, my mother and several other friends thought I was too vigilant. But they don't know where my vigilance comes from. Grandpa quarreled with her. I hope she won't do this to me. Over time, grandma began to think that grandpa was also a monster, the kind of bad guy in her heart. She began to find fault with grandpa and hit him. Grandpa always sighs for a long time, then cleans up the stall, cooks for me, pumps hot water and washes clothes to protect me from being crazy by her. Later, when I grew up, I asked him how he endured it. He sighed as he did many years ago, and then said, "She is a patient and can't be as knowledgeable as she is."
In 2005, grandma began to run around, sometimes sitting in the middle of the main road and cursing the sky, sometimes going to the surrounding small counties to smash and rob, and sometimes she couldn't go home for three or five days. At that time, the main job at home was to look around for grandma and then apologize behind her ass. The farthest time grandma went to a city in the north of the province, the traffic was not very convenient at that time. I really don't know how she changed trains all the way to get there. When I came back, my grandmother was unkempt and in high spirits. When she entered the room, three people held her and pushed her, but she couldn't get in. I still remember that grandma finally calmed down after taking medicine that night. Her hyperactive nerves relaxed, followed by a long sleep. She slept soundly that night, and grandpa, mom and aunt didn't sleep. Lying in my room, I heard them talking in silence, discussing what grandma would do in the future, whether she should be hospitalized or not, and so on. They think I'm asleep, or I don't understand these things, but I'm not asleep, I understand.
At the beginning of 2006, grandma had a stroke because she stubbornly refused to allow others to get close to her. She firmly believes that the bad guys, monsters and evil spirits in her mind are all on her, so she refuses to see a doctor. By the time her family forced her to go to the hospital, she had missed the best treatment time. So she fell into paraplegia and couldn't walk, which limited her ability to run around. The family is very sad, but also very grateful to God-every cloud has a ray of light, so that she will not go out and run around, smash and rob, and endanger society.
Five,
After grandma recovered a little, the life of the whole family also entered normal. Mom and aunt continue to work, and grandpa and I take care of grandma. As time goes on, I gradually feel that her limited activities will no longer affect our normal life. I went to the senior grade of primary school and had several close friends. I used to go to their house to play. Whenever I see the hospitality and comfort of other people's homes, I am envious and ashamed. I began to look forward to inviting my friends to my home.
In the fifth grade of primary school, I took part in a volunteer activity near my home. Several children were thirsty and hungry after sweeping the road and cleaning the railings. I don't know who said, "The town is near here. Can you go to her house for a drink? " So all my classmates' eyes are on me. I can't refuse, and at the same time I want to take everyone home to play. Some students who don't know me well said no when they saw my embarrassment. The remaining people who followed me to the gate of the community were my best friends at that time, Silver and Tian Yu. I saw that I had arrived at the gate of the community, so I had to say, "Well, I'll take you to my house for dinner."
As soon as I entered the door, I was cooking hot pot at home. The soup base was ready and all the dishes were served. The whole family is waiting for me to come back. I was followed by two little friends as soon as I entered the door. My mother was surprised that I took my classmates home to play, but I couldn't say anything. I still received them warmly and gave them bowls and chopsticks. Grandma is still in the other room, stumbling slowly to the table. I dare not speak. I watched her face change from a satisfied expression of a good meal to a gloomy expression when she took two classmates home to play.
"Hello, Grandma!" Two classmates said hello politely, but grandma ignored them and sat down by herself. Silver was bolder. She slipped her elbow. I asked who this was, my grandmother or my grandmother, and I told her in a low voice that this was my grandmother. I don't know why I was so timid. Probably because I was a child, I didn't dare to make my elders angry or talk more.
At the dinner table, my grandfather and mother talked about Silver and Tian Yu, and the atmosphere was once very harmonious. I felt a sort of surge of relief. Grandma eats by herself and eats everywhere with a spoon in her hand. She ate all the dishes my mother and I gave her at once, as if she were going to eat and leave quickly. Seeing that there were grains of rice on grandma's face, Silver offered grandma the tissue at hand and asked me to help her wipe her mouth.
Just then, grandma, who had been silent, suddenly shouted, "Get out! ! ! "I was shocked, and so should everyone else at the table. Grandma began to break the bowl, shouting dirty words and telling us all to get out. Mom quickly took the pot away, and grandpa quickly took her waving hand to stop her from arresting people and hitting people.
Silver was stunned, and Tian Yu began to cry directly. The food rolled all over the floor. I still remember that there were my favorite cuttlefish balls and ribs in the meal that day, which all fell to the ground and spilled soup all over the floor, which was quite disgusting.
Later, I have completely forgotten how I cleaned up the mess that day, how my mother comforted Silver and Tian Yu, and when my grandfather sent them home. I only remember that everything was packed, and my mother whispered to me how I remembered to take my classmates home to play today. There was no reproach or strong doubt in her tone, as if she was thinking about it herself. I didn't answer her, but after thinking about it, I said it wouldn't happen again. Grandpa and mom looked at me, embarrassed and said nothing.
Six,
After listening to my grandmother's story, the counselor asked what impact it had on me. I was silent for a long time.
I am suspicious of many things, and I am very vigilant. When I was lying in bed, I was used to turning over less even if I didn't sleep. Because grandma's old bed creaked when she turned over, I heard her yell many times when I was a child. I am used to crying silently at night. I shed many such tears when I was a child.
I told my family to have a psychiatric examination when they are old, and to find and treat them early, even if they don't want to. I think if I realize what's wrong with me, I must see a doctor early.
My friends are limited. My heart is hospitable. I long for close friends, but subconsciously I always feel that I can't do it. I have been avoiding building a deep friendship, and it hurts me to go against my heart.
Even though I know my family loves me, I want to stay away.