We often hear parents say that you don't listen to me 100 times, and children don't listen to me 100 times. Our communication is invalid. How can we make communication effective?
We should make full use of three important factors in communication, body language, pronunciation and intonation and writing. Scientific proof accounts for 55% of body language, 38% of pronunciation and intonation, and only 7% of words in communication, so when communication fails, we often focus on the content of communication. To communicate effectively with children, we should be good at using our body language, that is, our loving eyes and hugs, so as to convey love and acceptance, which will make children feel that we love him from the heart, which is very helpful for the establishment of our parent-child relationship. When praising a child, try to look at him with more loving eyes. When a child is wrong to criticize him, we should avoid looking directly at her with fierce eyes. Parent-child relationship was cultivated overnight. I wish every child a parent who loves and understands him.
It's my pleasure to answer your question. I grew up in family education in the last two years. Now family education is really a headache for many people.
First of all, it is normal for children to make mistakes while growing up. I think we made many mistakes in the process of growing up. Children should be given the opportunity to learn from their mistakes.
Secondly, parents can't bring emotions, they must be calm, wait for the children to calm down, find a suitable time to communicate, and make them easy to accept.
Finally, I want to say that parent-child relationship may depend on the usual accumulation, spend more time with children, and establish a good parent-child relationship with children.
In family education, force is definitely not a means we admire. There are two reasons for this. The first one can't solve the essence of the problem. After all, the second one is my own, and I am not willing to start. In that case, you can't get through and can't keep up. In this case, he won't always remember his pain. It will be fine if he doesn't feel pain in a couple of days. So since you can't reach that position, it doesn't matter.
Of course, persuasion education often doesn't work, because since he made a mistake, it's useless for you to reason with him again. Many times he understands the truth, but he just doesn't want to listen, so at this time we have to understand why we sometimes use force in traditional family education, that is, we will use beatings to solve this problem. In fact, this is a warning to let him know that his consequences are very serious. However, the seriousness of the consequences, in fact, is not just to make him feel pain. As long as he thinks this is an unbearable result, it may actually be effective. So whether you hit or not, or threaten, or use other, er, means, as long as you can feel the consequences, hitting children is absolutely unnecessary and inevitable.
Usually, you should spend more time with your children. This is the sparring education I have always insisted on. You should cultivate children's companionship slowly. A habit is imitation, he forms a habit, and he imitates your behavior. In this case, the chances of him doing these things that you can't stand, or doing these things that are completely out of standard are even smaller. Basically, you won't show up, and you have to hit him.
As for some really outrageous things that he may do, especially when they have seen the signs of doing these things, such as deliberately not attending classes, insulting classmates, insulting teachers for their tendency to steal violently, even breaking the law, and even being too close to students of the opposite sex, these will be consequences in the future if they are not stopped, so we should actively stop him and let him understand the consequences of doing so.
For example, you can communicate with the school through the organization of educational institutions, and visit correctional institutions more often, so that he can understand the consequences of doing these things, such as being imprisoned and sentenced, and then understand that if he does something he shouldn't do, he will be guided in society and beaten by people who don't cherish him so much in society.
In fact, it's just a sentence to let him know what the consequences are. If the consequences are too serious for him to imagine, he thinks he will lose a part of his body. Faced with the threat of death, in that case, he won't challenge. At the same time, some pain experiments can be arranged deliberately to let him experience some pain. For example, the child doesn't know whether to touch the switch or the wire, but what if you say he won't listen? Actually, we can arrange some on purpose. Electrical appliances with relatively low power deliberately electrocute children. In this case, not only will it not make him feel pain, but it will also not really hurt his body, so that he can understand that the consequences of doing so are serious, mainly producing a nervous reaction, that is, a stress reaction. In the end, it will basically not be intentionally violated.
So, I have two opinions. Point 1 means that fighting is not the only means, and we can achieve the same effect by other means. The second point: persuasion and persuasion education are basically useless in corrective education, so there is no need to say anything reasonable.
In family education, how can we solve the problem better without doing it?
The following points are shared with you:
1. First of all, children are disobedient, playful, do not do their homework, or do their homework with ink. Understand the reasons why children are disobedient, confront their parents, pretend not to hear you, etc. And analyze whether their usual way of speaking is to open their mouths and make sounds. Do you always like to label your children as always disobedient, or do you bow your head and play mobile phones or computer games when you get home every day?
In fact, many times children don't express themselves, just silently protest. When a child encounters a problem, he should kneel down and hold the child and ask him what is wrong. Can I help you? Is there something wrong with me? Give me your advice, and we'll make corrections and progress together. ...
2. I usually ask my child for advice when I encounter something, and treat him as a little teacher and a little adult. Let him feel that he has a sense of participation, good answers are adopted, and praise and encouragement are given in time, so that children can have a sense of accomplishment in solving problems and develop good habits of thinking and dealing with problems themselves.
3. Use trivial time to play games with children, make friends with children and have fun!
4. Give children more power and respect them, instead of condescending, standing aside as a judge and saying to the instructor: You are not doing well here, that won't do, what should you do! In the long run, it will only make children feel frustrated, timid and unconfident, afraid to express, afraid to think independently and interrupt their attention. Parents must pay attention! Let the children do what they want quietly!
Occasionally, adults and children exchange identities, so that children can understand their parents' difficulties, such as cleaning, keeping clean, cooking and washing, and taking care of their parents.
6. Read more books and travel with your children. Your body and soul must be on the road, and you will treat life with more tolerance and wisdom and will not turn to a dead end.
Let me analyze:
Many parents can't handle "freedom" and "management"
A few days ago, a fifth-grade parent came to consult with his children. My mother seems to be very instructive. As soon as she came up, she talked to me about the education methods she has always advocated: free-range, relaxed, respecting children's independent rights, never tutoring him, and not paying attention to his academic performance. ...
Then I asked: Is there anything wrong with this child's math?
"He didn't understand what the teacher said in class and didn't do his homework at home. Now, not only does he talk about this subject, but also our parent-child relationship has many problems because of his study of mathematics. Besides, junior high school is coming soon. There are no good educational resources in our region, and we are still facing school choice. I don't know how he is now ... "
When communicating with my child, I found that his math level in the fifth grade could not even reach the third grade.
Finally, my mother asked me. Teacher, can you make an overall plan for my son? Facing her anxiety, I really want to say to the mother: Now you know your anxiety, and you know you need to make an overall plan. What did you do long ago?
Yes, respect the relaxed and free parenting environment, respect the child's independent rights, respect his hobbies, talk on an equal footing, and encourage him to live high ... I quite agree;
I don't care about grades, because the process is more important than the result ... I agree;
Don't interfere too much with children, don't interfere in their lives, and give them independent space ... I still agree.
But, in that case, why are you anxious?
In this case, the only thing you have to do is wait, wait for him to grow up, wait for him to grow into what he should have grown up, isn't it good?
Kung fu must be in peacetime.
I have a friend who teaches composition in Taiwan Province Province. Many of the students who go to work and study there are children who have reached the stage of writing and don't know how to write. There are often countless words written, and there is only one composition topic on the paper. And children don't like reading at all.
When she communicates with her parents, she often asks several questions:
Do you love reading by yourself?
Do you spend a lot of time with your children's parents?
Do you often tell stories to your children when they are young?
Do you often take your children out to experience?
She often gets this answer:
We are all too busy to travel often. How can I have time to tell him stories and read books? My grandparents brought them when I was a child, so I seldom. ...
As many parents around us often say:
When we were young, we didn't have time to read and tell stories, but we bought him many picture books, but he didn't like reading. At that time, we thought: it doesn't matter if you don't like reading now, maybe you will like it when you are older. I still don't like reading.
Because there is no accumulation and no experience, when it comes to writing a composition, of course, there is no way to start.
"Waiting for bloom" is not "giving up"
I remember that some time ago, a bowl of very nutritious chicken soup broke the circle of friends, probably like this:
"Every child is a flower, but the flowering period is different. Some flowers bloom in spring, others in other seasons.
When someone else's bloom is in spring, don't worry, maybe your bloom is in summer;
Don't stamp your feet if it doesn't bloom in autumn. Maybe your tree is Chimonanthus praecox, and the meeting will be more touching.
If your flowers don't bloom in winter, don't be angry. Maybe your flower is a cycad. Cycas does not bloom, but the flowers are amazing.
Real gardeners don't care about the flowering time, they just work silently and wait for bloom ... "
What a beautiful passage. However, I think many parents don't really understand the meaning of this sentence.
They only saw "waiting for bloom" and ignored "silent cultivation"
When you admire other children's strong expressive ability and good composition. Please don't ignore:
People insist on parent-child reading when children are young. Whenever you have time, take your children into life, smell the colors of flowers, watch trees dance in the wind, watch the stars all over the sky, and listen to frogs in a pool. ...
When you envy other people's children's good physique and strong athletic ability. Please don't ignore:
When people are free, they take their children swimming. On weekends, a family of three climbed mountains, camped, rode confident cars to the suburbs, walked to the green top of the mountain, looked at the clouds in the sky and looked at the tall buildings in the distant city. ...
When you envy other children's good math scores and good logical thinking, please don't ignore:
When children are very young, people take them to play math games, build building blocks, consciously let them distribute chopsticks, talk about math picture books, play Sudoku with them, or find a good teacher to lead them forward.
When you envy other people's children for being so thoughtful, planned and creative, you ignore:
When he was a child, you never opened a window for him to see the richness of the world, nor did you plant a seed in his heart to make him look forward to the future. You didn't give him some guidance when he was confused, so that he could see the way to go and get closer to her dream. ...
Therefore, the original intention of waiting for bloom is to oppose pulling out the seedlings and encourage them, to respect the law of children's growth, and not to ask children to do things that do not match their physical development prematurely; Respect the characteristics of children as individuals and don't try to turn cactus into roses; When we do what gardeners should do, some of us get up early in bloom, and some of us get up late in bloom, so we need to wait patiently.
Waiting for bloom is not demanding results, nor is it inaction in the process. On the contrary, it needs more work, and this process is not easy at all.
Many times, we will hear some mothers in Niu Wa say in the media that she didn't do anything, and the children just made efforts spontaneously. I think this just shows that this mother is in a high position and has internalized the fundamental concept of raising children into eating as usual, but she is unaware of it.
Flowers need many conditions, suitable soil, watering and fertilizing according to the characteristics of plants, some plants need to see more sunlight, some may not need to see sunlight, some pests and diseases need to be killed, and redundant branches need to be pruned from time to time, so they may bloom if they fail to catch up with natural and man-made disasters.
There is an article about Li leading his daughter to observe the solar terms on the 24th solar term every year, 24 times a year, rain or shine. This persistence is really admirable.
Therefore, growth is the responsibility of children, and watering is our responsibility, which cannot be shirked.