Marriage is the eternal theme of interpersonal relationship. Recently, marital infidelity and infidelity of celebrities have been frequently exposed, involving people from articles to Wang, and recently to Bai Baihe. Commentary articles have been widely circulated in the circle of friends. As people with high income and many fans, it is really difficult to maintain their marriage because of their economic independence and many temptations. So for ordinary people, is it ok to get married and have children? That was not the case. I learned in the process of marriage mediation that the local divorce rate is as high as 50% and the remarriage rate is 10~20%. So what is the reason for the high divorce rate? Why is the remarriage rate not low?
Among the divorced couples I contacted, these reasons were repeatedly emphasized by the couples:
1. Emotional basis
? Marriage is introduced by people, because the age is up and the conditions are right. Because of the lack of emotional foundation, it is easy to have extramarital affairs.
So couples who lack emotional foundation before marriage really have no feelings after marriage? Actually, it is not. If both sides can attach importance to each other's feelings and give them care and understanding, they can gradually cultivate their feelings and establish their emotional foundation after marriage.
I met a middle-aged couple in marriage mediation. They have been introduced to get married for almost twenty years, and both of them were smiling when they entered the mediation room. The husband is working hard outside and the wife is at home. But the wife had an affair, and the husband felt that his self-esteem was hurt. Both sides insist on divorce. Some people may accuse their wives of cheating in marriage. First of all, it must be her fault, but in fact, this marriage has no emotional foundation and is related to her husband's belief. Husband often eats, drinks and entertains outside, so it is difficult to see him at home. He seldom cares about his wife and children, and often uses language to belittle and satirize his wife. The husband feels responsible for the family, but he feels that the children are a burden. He is not grateful to his wife for raising a pair of children alone, saying that she has no job and nothing at home. In other words, before the affair, their relationship was actually problematic.
2. incompatible personality.
? "After many years of quarreling after marriage, I don't want to quarrel anymore."
? Quarrel is not a bad thing, but also a way of communication. If you can understand each other's voice in the words of a quarrel and let go of changing each other's mind, then this quarrel is very valuable. If this quarrel continues, the intimate relationship between the two sides will get better and better.
This type of divorced couples are mostly in middle age. When they came, they all angrily refused to communicate, refused to talk about the specific reasons and what happened, and said, "Refuse to mediate and resolutely divorce." There is a phenomenon worth thinking about. The party who filed for divorce scored lower than the other party when filling out the divorce will. Or both sides are unwilling to evaluate their wishes. It can be seen that the other party has been angered and turned into a more determined person.
? When they regard quarreling as the only way of communication, they can't understand each other's real needs in quarreling, but just overwhelm or control each other in momentum, then this marriage is not far from separation.
3. Second marriage
? "The previous marriage ended in divorce and there were no children." .
In this case, the husband and wife's awareness of each other's prevention and the mentality of comparing with their predecessors will be particularly strong. Moreover, the emotional foundation and contact factors of both sides are very weak. Once something goes wrong, I will not hesitate to break up. Moreover, it is easy for the second marriage party to think of divorce to solve the contradiction.
? I happened to meet two couples in similar situations, both very young, and their wives were married for the second time. They are grumpy and strong-willed, and almost the same problem appeared in their second marriage. They deal with it in the same way and are determined to divorce their gentle or indifferent husbands. The husband is also skeptical about whether his wife can manage a good marriage relationship.
4. Property issues
? This situation involves property or real estate problems, which are found in different age groups, with a high proportion, second only to personality incompatibility.
? One is indifference. Because I am old, I have been dragging on, but the distribution of children and property is over.
? One is a good relationship. In several cases of marriage mediation, both husband and wife openly admitted that they were buying a house, but the government's purchase restriction policy forced them to divorce. I don't know whether a fake divorced couple will remarry after the house is finished, but such a divorce is actually risky. Maybe after the situation changes, their ideas will be different, and one party may take advantage of it and pretend to do it. This phenomenon has research value for relevant institutions and departments, and relevant real estate policies should be improved.
5. Domestic violence.
? Domestic violence is often the husband's violence and the wife's forbearance. After the wife is beaten, she is often explained by her husband that "it's all your fault, you didn't do it right". Or after hitting someone, the husband has a good attitude towards admitting his mistake, but he often does the same thing again. There is a noteworthy phenomenon: a domestic abuser does not beat others except his wife, which shows that he has restraint. The main reason for this divorce is that the wife has decided not to tolerate it any more. In the past, most of them chose to endure because they were financially dependent on their husbands or afraid of threats from each other.
6. unequal status.
? In a special case, the woman is an urban hukou and has mental retardation. The man is from the countryside, eats and lives in his mother-in-law's house, and gives the money he earns to her. The man has a bad temper, because he is controlled by the old man economically, and he is often dissatisfied with getting angry and smashing things. The woman's family filed for divorce but didn't really want to leave, but the man was determined not to look back. The unequal status of this couple is manifested in many aspects such as intelligence and economy, and there is a certain exchange here. Couples with unbalanced marriage are prone to divorce.
? There are also disharmony in sexual relations, contradictions between husband and wife, interference from relatives and so on.
? So how to reduce the divorce rate? In fact, marriage mediation is one of the methods, but when it comes to divorce, it is too late to enter the marriage registration office. And it is related to the later stage of marriage "disease". Without follow-up counseling and follow-up, the success rate is very low. A good way to solve the problem is to "plan ahead" and learn to run your own marriage before the problem becomes serious. In fact, it is not easy to establish a good relationship in marriage. It is inevitable that two people with different backgrounds will live together for a long time and get along with each other day and night. So if we want a good marriage relationship ourselves, how can we manage a good marriage relationship?
1. Accept and allow the other person to be different from himself.
? Don't impose your wishes on each other, allow them to be themselves.
? The most likely contradiction between husband and wife is to hope that the other person can become what he wants and get rid of what he thinks is wrong. The wife keeps talking to her husband, which eventually leads to quarrels, husband's unwillingness to go home, serious extramarital affairs and even divorce. This is common. However, the living habits of adults have been formed for twenty or thirty years, and it is difficult to change them, not to mention that some right and wrong are relative.
2. Cultivate the ability to love yourself.
Pay attention to your inner voice, accept who you really are, accept who you really are. Only those who have the ability to love themselves can love others.
? When husband and wife get along, they often encounter the efforts and selfless dedication of one party, expecting the other party to be the same as themselves. In fact, from a psychological point of view, this is an anti-golden rule: "What you do, also ask the other party to do", which is difficult to do. It is best to use the golden rule, "If I want someone to do something, I will do it myself". Originally, husband and wife grew up in two family backgrounds, and their understanding of the same behavior and the same thing was quite different. For example, some wives think that their husbands will not love and are not romantic, but their husbands think that they have given their income to their wives, which is already very sincere love.
In marriage, we often focus on each other or children, but ignore our own existence and love. After a long time, you will feel neglected by the other party, you will feel resentful, and you will attack the other party violently. At this time, both sides lost and there was no winner. If we can care about ourselves, love ourselves and satisfy ourselves, we won't have so many regrets and demands in our hearts, and we will be more capable of loving others.
3. Understand each other.
The first thing to understand is to understand words.
? The other party has a lot of information when talking or quarreling. If you understand, there will be fewer quarrels and better relations. Pay attention to the other person's complaints, don't guess what the other person means, but confirm what you want to express with the other person. For example, he complains that "these dishes again" means that he hopes to get your attention and realize it by cooking delicious and diverse meals.
The second one understands emotions.
? The premise of effective communication is to feel each other's feelings and accept each other's emotions before communication. For example, a husband who is usually taciturn has been talking today, indicating that he is more excited or excited today. Communication after understanding is more acceptable.
4. Give each other some space and freedom.
? Give each other time alone or spend time with friends and family. Respect each other's privacy.
? Some people think that there should be no secrets or privacy between husband and wife. Often invade each other's privacy in the name of love, or monitor and inquire about each other's activities, or forbid each other to associate with the opposite sex. If this goes on, the other party will feel like a rope, suffocate and just want to escape. There are also many couples whose relationships have deteriorated because of distrust.
5. Be independent in marriage.
? Both spiritually and economically, we need independence. This is especially common among women. Or from another point of view, it is precisely because women are becoming more and more independent in economy, with higher quality, and less and less dependent on their husbands' lives, which is also one of the reasons for the rising divorce rate.
? No matter whether men and women are equal, independent and respectful in marriage, marriage will have basic conditions for a long time.
6. Avoid moral kidnapping.
? Don't communicate with each other in the form of accusations and criticisms. It is recommended to get along with each other with appreciation and tolerance.
? Avoid using words such as "should, must and must" in the conversation between husband and wife. Although they are husband and wife, the other party is an independent person first. Don't turn the relationship between husband and wife into a relationship between parents and children, or a relationship between judges and prisoners. "You must ... or you just don't love me." Ask yourself first, don't ask what you can't do.
? Because of my own limitations, the article is inevitably inadequate. I am satisfied if it can make you think about marriage.
? I am very grateful to meet marriage mediation, which benefited me a lot and made me grow up in my marriage.
? Finally, I wish everyone who reads this article can reflect on themselves, grow themselves, manage their own marriage relationship and have a harmonious and happy husband and wife relationship.