Economy = right path willpower (both are indispensable! )
If your recovery is getting worse, it is often because you only have willpower and lack the right method.
Because of love, there is actually an invisible balance. When two people can be together, it means once balance.
The essence of breaking up is that he wants to take away the chips on this scale and start another life. At this time, the imbalance has begun. Your ending becomes heavier and his ending becomes lighter. And if you just insist on saving, if you continue to increase your chips, the balance will only become more and more unbalanced.
The best way to restore the balance of love is to draw a few chips first, and then guide the opponent to raise. Let it try not to' roll over' because of imbalance.
The chips you want to take away: your negative emotions, your expression of needs, your obsession with him, and your purpose of getting back together.
You should guide the other party to improve their chips: pave the way for comfort, accept the negative emotions of the other party, remove the obstacles to breaking up, let him see your changes, implant the guiding value of thinking, and guide him to invest in sunk costs.
In short, when your's relations are restored to an equal state, reunification is just around the corner.
Make it clear, is your salvation expression or acceptance? The most basic thing to save a person is' falling in love with someone'. Maybe you will say, this is not nonsense. Of course I want to save him, because I love him. Not necessarily! The person you fall in love with may not be the real person, but the ideal partner you expect. Maybe he met your ideal partner in some way, but he didn't tailor it for you. He has his own ideal life plan and has no obligation to accompany you to the end. If you can understand this matter, learn to accept each other first, instead of taking everything for granted. Accept each other's negative emotions, respect each other's decision to leave, and try to understand what kind of life you want.
For example, many girls can't accept boys lying in bed with a bunch of socks playing games. Because for most girls, a good life should be based on neatness and cleanliness. A boy's self-discipline, enthusiasm and obedience are manifestations of love, while laziness and dullness are manifestations of selfishness. When you use this setting to limit each other, your perception of intimacy is narrower. You'd rather have someone who can meet your standards than work together to adapt to each other's living habits. Therefore, when saving money, there are often many just-right ideas.
You should not let me down. I'm too good to you. '
What it should be like for two people to live together '
I compromised. Why are you still indifferent? '
Once you fall into self-imagination, you may miss each other's true wishes.
On the other hand, if there are two people in front of you now. A says to you,' I need you to love me and give me all the feelings I want.' B says to you,' I can accept and tolerate your emotions.' Which one would you choose?
The answer is obvious.
So stop your output and expression. I believe that since the other party has chosen to break up with you, they just want to start a better new life. When you try to drag him back to the past, you are obstructing him, persuading him and putting yourself on the opposite side of him. How do you get him to react? It must be more antagonistic than other emotions, so it shows resentment.
Respecting and accepting each other's choices is the first step to recovery. Make him believe that you don't want to save him. This has two advantages. First of all, it weakens your purpose. When he chats with you again, he will be more comfortable and comfortable. The second is to improve your sense of value and let the other person know that since you are not his best choice at present, he is not your only choice.
Actual operation steps:
1. Call him 3-5 days after you last contacted him.
Tell him that I give up. I don't think this is the right time for us. I understand your feelings and concerns now. I hope I didn't disturb you before.
At this time, the other party will be very surprised, so there will be two reactions. One is to soften your attitude and say hello to you. In this state, it is entirely possible for you to explore step by step as a friend. Second, I still refuse you and say,' I hope you can understand, and I don't have to contact you again.' If this is the reaction, take advantage of the situation to suppress each other and tell him,' It's just a breakup, there's no need to die of old age. I don't care. You can't get over it, can you? This time, it's hard for the other person to say malicious words to you, so he has to bite the bullet and add back his friends to stay friendly.
The premise of repairing the relationship is to remove obstacles, not to express attitudes! I found that the different sexual thinking between men and women will inevitably lead to different ways to deal with many problems. For example, when men and women quarrel, boys' thinking is vertical logic and pay more attention to solving problems. But girls are divergent in thinking and pay more attention to each other's attitude. So many girls have a very, very common thinking when saving boys:
Ight: automatic; "> I have put down my attitude to apologize. How can you treat me like this? "
What boys consider is "can the problem of breaking up be effectively solved?" "If you get back together, will you continue the previous question?" "Do you meet my expectations for my future partner?"
Therefore, it is useless for girls to make a statement, because what boys consider is not "Do you love me enough" at all, but "Are we suitable?" At this time, girls will think, "Why am I the only one trying to change and save?" "It depends on two people working together!"
Sorry, the other party has made what he thinks is the best solution at present, and that is to leave. And if you want to make it back and change the status quo, then the task of eliminating the barriers to breaking up naturally falls on your shoulders. To put it bluntly, people have jumped out of their intimate relationship with you and are looking for their own life. And you're still in that intimate relationship mode, and you want to hold people back. Who will be happy?
Ok, so how do we get rid of the breakup barrier? Today, I will simply divide the reasons for breaking up into two categories: internal breaking up and external breaking up.
Internal breakup: that is, you can't meet each other's needs. It may be that his emotional value is not high and he loves to make trouble, which has caused some emotional troubles and injuries to the other party. He feels too tired to be with you, so he is not as comfortable as a person. Perhaps it is the lack of sexual value and material value that makes the other party feel that they can't see the future.
The way to deal with internal breakup is very simple, one word "change"!
Practical steps:
1. Don't promise each other that you will change. (Expectations are too high to be realized, but even more disappointing)
3. Change requires the right medicine. The other person needs a family, so don't take photos of going out to play every day, and cook a few dishes at home. The other person needs an independent and capable person. Don't have sex all the time. A night scene of overtime positioned by the company is more curious without a copy.
4. Is it too difficult to change? You don't have to give up on yourself. Many times, the other party is also holding a "cross-line mentality." For example, the passing line in the other person's mind is 60%, while you only achieved 40% before. Now as long as you improve by 20%, the other party can clearly feel that you are not required to achieve 100% perfection. Do you understand?
External reasons for breaking up: it is difficult to solve because of some external obstacles. For example, a long-distance relationship that can't be overcome for a while, such as a great difference in family conditions, which leads to parents' opposition and so on.
Dealing with the external causes of breaking up is relatively complicated to operate, but there is an advantage, that is, if you are willing to stand on the other side's camp to solve the external causes, then your internal relationship will be very United!
Practical steps:
1. Find out whether you broke up for external reasons or studied both inside and outside. If it is simply because of reality, you can generously propose a solution and test the other party's reaction. )
2. dispel each other's concerns. For example, in a different place, you can give the other party a deadline to end the different place and plan the future for him. For example, if the other family doesn't agree, you can learn about the needs of the other family and then strive for an opportunity to show value to his parents.
3. Implant your thoughts. Indoctrinate each other with an idea, and we will eventually form a new family. The most important thing is what do you want in the future? If the other party refuses you only for external reasons, but is actually dissatisfied with you, then repeat the internal operation steps.
0 "The more they dislike you, the more they care about you." We are often afraid to bear the negative emotions of others in our life, because we instinctively feel that being denied and hated is a bad thing. But it's actually the opposite. The reason why you can arouse each other's emotions and stimulate each other shows that you are the "important person" of each other.
Therefore, the most terrible emotion after breaking up is not rejection, disgust, complaint and accusation, but strangeness. If you are really a passer-by in the other person's heart, why bother to stimulate you and resist you? An adult with normal cognition should have a strange and gentle attitude towards a stranger.
He will dislike you, which means he needs you subconsciously. This demand is mainly reflected in his expectation of you. He thinks you can understand him and be gentle, but you show something he doesn't want to see, so he doesn't like you. There is a kind of disappointment in his choice about your refusal and escape. At this time, he doesn't even know that he cares about you. You should subvert his cognition and stimulate his positive emotions.
Practical steps:
1. Jump out of each other's thinking frame and take the initiative. For example, the other party tells you, "Are you bored? Can you stop coming to me? " First of all, don't collapse, don't admit mistakes, and don't refute them. You can ask him, "What is boredom? Tell me and I'll pay attention. " You can also make a joke and say to him, "I really want to be bored, but unfortunately we don't have the luck!" " When the other party refuses you, he just wants to use such angry words to force you to go back and take the initiative in the situation. If you are scared away by him, he will think it works. Next time you look for him, he will still refuse you like this.
So jump out of the other person's thinking frame to answer, let him know that such refusal is useless to you, see the move, resolve the embarrassment, make the other person laugh and cry, and enter your chat rhythm. Believe me, when your emotions can be unaffected and you can answer freely, your eyes will shine and the other person will passively obey. The premise is that what you say is positive, and don't let the other party have an excuse to refuse.
2. "Fishing" emotional leadership.
Let's talk about something deep. Although I generally don't advise people to talk about emotional problems in the early stage of recovery, if it doesn't work after a period of recovery, then this trick may be the specific medicine to win, so use it with caution!
As a bystander, you can calmly and easily ask each other, "Although we broke up, I still don't understand some questions. Can you tell me the impression I gave you and tell me more about my shortcomings so that I can pay attention to it next time I fall in love? "
Give each other an emotional outlet and express their dissatisfaction and opinions reasonably. Not to mention whether he will feel guilty about you after venting. Guide him to say these words, and the fish will take the bait. At this time, no matter what he says, you keep a vague answer, and you don't agree or refute it. You can say, "What you said is very helpful to me and worth pondering."
At this time, the other party often has two reactions. One is to ask what you think of him and his shortcomings. If he asks, it's actually a sign of getting back together, which means he still cares about you and hopes to have a chance to make up and repair the relationship. At this time, you hit the nail on the head and pointed out his shortcomings and needs (this demand must be the point where you can meet him). If the other person can generously admit what you said, you can chase after the victory, give him some advice calmly, appear at his side as a companion or teacher, let him talk more about spiritual things with you, and gradually rely on you mentally.
Although it is easy to say, it is still very difficult to really guide each other's emotions and take the initiative to attack. You need to have very strong emotional control, judgment and perception, and flexible communication skills.
The three things I said today are the three problems I encountered most in the consultation process. Having said that, I still hope you can understand that breaking up doesn't mean anything. Sometimes, if you push too hard, it will make your recovery tense and depressed. Always remember the sentence "Don't complicate simple problems".
If you are determined to save each other, put aside your's emotions, solve the reasons for your breakup, re-establish the trust mechanism, and pave the way for a positive and comfortable emotional atmosphere ... Don't think about whether the other party still loves you or not, and don't be hit by the other party's current attitude and prejudice.
You know, what he doesn't like is not you, but your current mood and state. So, for you now, remember five words: "gentle restraint."
Psychological test: test the probability of getting back together after breaking up.
Have you ever thought about the possibility of getting back together after two people break up? This set of test questions helps you test the probability of getting back together after breaking up. Let's try it together.
Do you still have your ex's contact information in your mobile phone?
It's five points.
No, all 0 points have been deleted.
What is the reason why you broke up?
Due to objective reasons, the family disagreed with 1.
Long-distance love, no future 2 points.
TA thinks I have a bad temper and our personalities are incompatible. Three points
There is a third party involved in our relationship.
After our quarrel, no one would bow their heads and broke up in a rage.
I think TA has a bad temper, always complaining, and was dumped by TA for 6 points.
Of the following four statements, if you had to choose one statement that you agree with most, which one would you choose?
If a person loves another person, he should love all of TA, regardless of its advantages or disadvantages. Otherwise, it is not true love. He likes 2 points at most.
Although feelings are what you want, but it depends on people's efforts, the other person's love can also be controlled, as long as it can meet the other person's psychological needs, love can guide 4 points.
Twisted melons are not sweet. If TA doesn't want to get back together, I respect the idea of TA 1 minute.
The emotional world can never be equal, and those who want to get back together must not be stingy with their 6 points.
When you express one thing, you value it more.
The accuracy of verbal expression is 2 points.
Talking to the other person gives the other person a strong impression of 1.
Are the people around you comfortable with what you said? 6 points
The ultimate goal that words can achieve is 4 points.
What do you think are your basic emotional characteristics?
Emotional, often unable to control his temper 0 points.
Self-control ability is strong, the surface is calm, but the inner mood fluctuates greatly, and it is difficult to calm down 2 points in case of contusion.
Everything is a cloud, and it is not easy to get angry by nature. My friend praised me for my good temper by six points.
Feelings are not slow and direct, but once they are unstable, they are easily excited and angry. Three points
Did you save your ex?
I saved it, but it was rejected. I didn't save four points.
No, I don't know what the other person is thinking, so I dare not say 2 points.
I saved it several times, but the other party was very exclusive, Lahei, and I don't want to see my zero again.
I tried to talk, but the other party thought we were not suitable. Hope to find happiness 6 points.
I'm Chen Yu, an emotional counselor, and I know more than you think. If you are emotionally confused, you can ask for a private letter or comment.