Not to mention the three questions of the soul, it is some insights after watching "Because I am arrogant" recently.
Tell me about myself and the way I get along with Lu Xiansen. Lu Xiansen was born in science and engineering and was good at logical analysis. I am a liberal arts woman, and I prefer emotional expression.
Before having children, it can be said that the logical analysis of Lu Xiansen is more of an admiration. Looking back now, I can't remember the specific things clearly, but the feelings are clearly visible, full of envy and pride. Not because he didn't, but because he is my teammate.
After having children, as parents who love children, they all have their own theories on how to raise them. At first, I thought I knew more, which was right, because I loved learning and focused on education and learning. In the face of the differences in parenting styles, although I know some theoretical knowledge, I have not paid attention to communication methods. What Lu Xiansen felt was being criticized.
No one likes to be accused and criticized, because it means that he is wrong, and behind it is a blow to his self-worth. Lu Xiansen will use his logical analysis to "correct his name" for his parenting style. When he finally said that "a letter is better than no book", I often felt speechless and out of breath (covering my face).
To tell the truth, in order to better cope with Lu Xiansen's "self-justification", I read books on logical analysis and thinking mode. When he "justifies himself", find out the flaw and fight back at him. When I hit him back, I found that I was not happy, but even worse. Is this a win, a quarrel and a loss of feelings? !
Personally, I think that the way to raise children is different for everyone, and there is no absolute right or wrong. But the starting point of Lu Xiansen and I are all for the better growth of our children. If we only discuss things without seeing the positive motivation behind people's behavior, contradictions and frictions will arise.
After I focused on the positive motivation of Lu Xiansen's behavior, I noticed the way of communication. At this time, Lu Xiansen felt seen and recognized, and he was more willing to listen to me. Of course, the result is that it is easier to achieve communication results.
I wonder if you are familiar with the sentence "Mom doesn't like your behavior, but she loves you"?
I will say this whenever Ann doesn't like it, doesn't like it, or talks unkindly because of something that makes Ann feel my love. But after saying this, my inner feelings are not good. It's like having a feeling that I want to be a good mother and find a reason to express my love.
I care about feelings, I believe everyone does, because feelings don't lie. When I realize the problem, I am also willing to rethink and practice. The reason why I feel uncomfortable after saying "mom doesn't like your behavior, but mom loves you" is because "I don't care about people", which is my understanding. From the perspective of these two sentences, the front is behavior, which is right, and the back is right. Before dealing with things, we should first see people, affirm their positive motives, and then communicate solutions.
There is no need to emphasize "mom loves you" in words. Children feel maternal love in many forms. When we can see children, understand children and deal with problems under this premise, even if we don't say "mom loves you", children can deeply understand their mother's love.